Who Ate All The Pies

Burmese keepy-ups video

This lot make Cristiano Ronaldo look like Gavin McCann.

Shit England manager week: Kevin Keegan thinks he abuses Jean

Women of the world, wouldn't you love it, just LOVE IT, if you could go out with the hotness that is Kevin Keegan? Just watch how he carries his blouson/jacket over his shoulder, not to mention the exemplary way he treats his lovely wife Jean…

Shit England manager week: Steve McClaren vs Garth Crooks

Crooks tries to break Steve 'Dead Man Walking' McClaren's spirit but the Mac's got his game face on – you know, the one where he looks like a National Express driver emerging from his coach's toilet after a Glasgow-to-London long-haul journey.

Tremendously topical YouTube video: Ruud van Nistelrooy's goal celebration, Holland vs Andorra

A random YouTube search for 'Andorra' threw up some Eurovision Song Contest bollocks and this memorable goal celebration by RVN. Having been taunted by Andorra's players for missing a penalty, Ruud gets his own back in his own special (ie. childish) way.

Classic Moment: England 4-2 Croatia, Euro 2004

Remember when Wayne Rooney used to score goals for England? Vaguely? Well, his last two competitive goals for England were this pair he scored against Croatia at Euro 2004. Check out some excitable commentary from John Motson, including the prophetic: "Is there nothing this boy can do!"

[Rob Parker]

Hawar scores from his own half in UAE President's Cup

If it had been David Beckham or Xabi Alonso we would have all been raving about, so why shouldn't we get excited about Hawar scoring from his own half for Al Ain against Al Shaab in the UAE President's Cup last month. This was the winning goal in a 3-2 victory. Not bad!

[Rob Parker]

Lampard: Master thumb wrestler

Ladies and gents. Pies can finally reveal something that Frank Lampard is great at (which many people have been wondering after yet another woeful performance in an England shirt). Yes folks, Lamps is great at beating Kalou in a thumb wrestling match whilst wearing a Mexican wrestling mask. Stops us looking at that face which he's stolen from KD Lang.

Japanese babe plays keepy-up (badly)

At least she plays with a smile on her face. If we can dig up an English grandparent, perhaps she can be the solution to England's left-sided problem? She needs to work on her ball control though… [Via With Leather]

Landon 'Landycakes' Donovan, scores a hat-trick (USA vs Ecuador friendly)

So whilst England failed abjectly to trouble the scorers against plucky Israel (and respect to the home side's stalwart defenders), the good 'ole US of America stood as one to applaud this hat-trick, scored by Landycakes for the national team against Ecuador. Watch out for his third goal - it's a cracker:

Belgium fail to put Cristiano Ronaldo on a stretcher (oh, and he scored against them... twice!)

Cristiano Ronaldo rammed Belgium goalkeeper Stijn Stijnen's threats of violence down his throat as he helped Portugal to a 4-0 victory on Saturday. And he scored two goals against the man who warned he would be leaving the pitch on a stretcher for good measure! Just like England, Portugal made the necessary adjustments after a goalless first-half to run in four second half goals. Pah!

Anyway, the highlights are below and they are worth watching for Ricardo Quaresma's stunning effort with the outside of his right foot for Portugal's third.

[Rob Parker]