Who Ate All The Pies

Walter Smith rips into Scottish reporter Chick Young

I'm not too sure what it is that Walter Smith finds so offensive about Chick Young's question, but he definitely takes a disliking to it. The reporter receives a four-lettered rant for his troubles from Smith during his first spell at Rangers.

[Rob Parker]

Scottish football fan parodies Sportscene adverts

The creator of this YouTube video seems to need a little convincing that the matches available to him on BBC Scotland's Sportscene programme are the top-level football they claim to be!

[Rob Parker]

Liverpool, Man Utd & Chelsea through, Celtic & Arsenal out: a few Champions League reflections

1 Why is it Ballack & Shevchenko can do it against Europe's finest, but not against the likes of Wigan and Charlton? Must be very frustrating for Chelski fans.
2 It's never a good idea to headbutt the pitch. Just ask poor Mikael Silvestre.
3 Celtic have got some very talented kids who should be proud of their gutsy performance in the San Siro. Darren O'Dea deserves special praise. The young defender had a wonderful match.
4 Who really feels sorry for Arsenal? They paid the price once again for playing their flawed brand of why-shoot-when-you-can-pass? football. When will Arsene Wenger learn that sometimes you just have to hoof it long and hope for the best? Liverpool, Chelsea and even Man Yoo all play the long-ball game when they have to. There's no shame in it. It's still the first week in March and Arsenal's season is over.

5 Liverpool's prosaic brand of sleeves-rolled-up football isn't pretty but it sure as hell is effective. They really need a decent striker though. Dirk Kuyt works his socks off but he lacks pace, finesse and composure, among other attributes.

6 Clive Tyldesley is a one-eyed cliche machine.
7 Liverpool, Man Utd and Chelsea are now the best teams left in the tournament, at least according to the bookies. Does this mean that as well as the gulf between the Premiership and the Championship, there's also a gulf developing between the Prem and other European leagues?
8 PSV Eindhoven will not win the Champions League this season. And you can quote me on that…

Vladimir Romanov is officially a mentalist

Vladimir Romanov may just be my favourite man in football. He's absolutely insane. By no means would I want him taking the reigns at a club I supported, but boy, he doesn't half make me piss my pants with laughter.

Romanov once released an insanely marvelous statement to the Scottish press, saying "I'm very glad that you finally got down from the trees and found a worthy place for yourself - a safari park. It shows you have both the habits and instincts of monkeys. I'll visit the director of the safari park and ask for a personal cage for each of you. One thing is very important. First you have to pass the quarantine rules and the vet will vaccinate you against rabies. So you are not allowed to join the monkeys yet." He's also ranted about Bolsheviks shooting peasants and now, his finest hour yet, another bonkers attack on the Scots media and women who deny themselves love. Read over and get ready to rub your eyeballs in disbelief.

Romanov latest odd rant looks at referees and his auld foe, the media. He said: "Today I will express my opinion in English about refereeing in order that your Mowgli will not make you tell lies. To discuss whether referees take money or not is the same as discussing a woman who gives herself with no love. Isn't it better to concentrate on the standard of their work instead of looking for reasons for their poor performance? A woman cheats herself and nature if she gives herself without love.

"If a referee officiates a game based on his personal love, he commits a cynical crime, especially when the public has trusted him. I respect those referees who take money from two stupid teams and then honestly officiates a game. They do not harm football in any way. Though it is bad, still everybody is equal for them. Now it has become obvious to me why you, the Monkeys (his nickname for the media), were trying to ruin Hearts not only in the Championship, but in European competitions as well. I think it was not without your help that the 'frozen' referee from Russia was selected to officiate our match and that in the games against the Greek side we got three red cards".

He's as brilliant as he is baffling. I'll point out that this wasn't translated to make it sound more nonsensical. Give the man a chat show. [Mof Gimmers]

Gazza to star in horror flick

Gazza, G8, Paul Gascoigne... whatever you call him these days... has apparently agreed to appear in and turn his hand to producing new movie Final Run. Gazza will make his big-screen debut as a survivor of an alien invasion alongside the oh so very lovely Lois Winstone (daughter of Ray). According to production company SjB Imperial Film Ltd, he will play a character "forced to choose between his own survival and that of the human race." The company added: "As a part of the key creative team, Paul’s input into the script and vision are invaluable. Gascoigne, a lifelong genre fan, lends his considerable expertise as both producer and feature actor." Let's hope he's half as good on the big screen as he was on the pitch eh?

Dive of the week: Alberto Gilardino, Celtic vs AC Milan

Full marks to Gilardino for style, but no marks at all for timing (taken from last night's Celtic v Milan snooze-fest).

Wee Gordon Strachan in 1977

Gordon Strachan was a tenacious and tricky little player in his day... little being the operative word. Before days of winning the Cup Winners Cup with Aberdeen, and spells at Leeds and ManYoo, the wee man was a rising star at Dundee. Watch him tear apart Abroath with his hair nearly as big as he is all the way back in 1977...

[Mof Gimmers]

Iron Maiden star Bruce Dickenson flies Rangers to Israel

Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickenson was the pilot as Rangers flew to Israel for their Uefa Cup tie with Hapoel Tel Aviv. And this wasn't some cheap publicity stunt - Dickenson is a qualified commercial pilot and regularly flies for charter airline Astraeus.

The heavy metal star made a special request to fly the Glasgow team after hearing that Astraeus had secured the contract. Rangers manager Walter Smith told the club's website: "I know their stuff quite well. I remember going to meet the band when they played in Edinburgh a few years ago. I would never have thought that Bruce would be flying our plane." [Via BBC]

[Rob Parker]

Andrei Kanchelskis hangs up his twinkle toes

Former Manchester United winger and all round twinkle toes Andrei Kanchelskis has decided to retire from football. Kanchelskis, now 38-years-old, said: "You need to leave at the right time. Now seems a suitable moment to begin a new chapter in my footballing life," added Kanchelskis, who will be deciding his plans in the coming weeks.

Kanchelskis won two titles and an FA Cup during his time at ManYoo won two Premiership titles before buggering off to join Everton in 1995. He then went onto have spells at Fiorentina, Rangers, Manchester City, Southampton, Al-Hilal in Saudi Arabia and Saturn Moscow Krylya Sovetov. Despite being born in Ukraine, Kanchelskis opted to play for Russia following the fall of the Soviet Union, winning 36 caps and scoring five goals. His greatest accolade came last year when he was voted as the 47th greatest Premiership player ever by Pies writers.

Click over to see Andrei's wonder goal against Oldham in the FACup semi final, or alternatively, click here to see his hilarious showboating...

Kit Parade: Lithuania

One of the more unusual ties thrown up by this week's round of international friendlies is Lithuania versus Mali. If you are a collector of obscure football shirts or simply a Hearts fan, you might like to purchase the Lithuanian kit! This is the side that held world champions Italy to a 1-1 draw last September. And this despite the fact that their shirt looks like it belongs with an amateur ice hockey team with poor taste! Click here to buy it for £39.99. [Rob Parker]