Who Ate All The Pies

One to watch: Nani, Sporting Lisbon

Spurs have put themselves at the front of the queue for Portuguese youngster Nani. The 20-year-old is the latest sensation off the Sporting Lisbon production line and has been dubbed the new Cristiano Ronaldo - although the old one might have some life left in him yet. Manchester United are also known to be interested in the attacking midfielder, who is reported to have a £17 million buy-out clause in his contract. Let's see what the kid can do:

[Rob Parker]

Alex 'The Hairdryer' Ferguson told Geoff Shreeves to 'f**k off'. Knight that man again

Fergie blasted Sky Sports' reporter Geoff Shreeves after Man Utd's 1-0 win against Boro in the FA Cup on Monday night. The Man Yoo boss reportedly called poor Geoff a 'f***ing bastard' and told him to 'f**k off' after the reporter questioned Cristiano Ronaldo over the incident that earned United the match-winning penalty.

Upon learning that Shreeves had asked Ronaldo whether there had been any contact before he fell under Jonathan Woodgate's challenge (there clearly was contact, Ed.), Ferguson claimed he was 'disgusted' by the line of questioning. Fergie's hairdryer treatment of Shreeves continued off-camera. According to The Sun, 'Ferguson's foul-mouthed tirade was so loud that a BBC interview with Boro chief Gareth Southgate had to be abandoned'.

To read a full transcript of Ferguson v Shreeves [via The Sun], click below…

The gory details of Shreevegate:

Shreeves: 'I asked him…'

Ferguson: 'F***ing (inaudible) bastard.'

S: 'Don’t talk to me like that.'

F: 'F**k off to you.'

S: 'Don’t talk to me like that. Don’t even think about it.'

F: 'Don’t you think about it, you ****. F**k off. Right?'

S: 'Listen, are you going to do the interview in a professional manner or not? Do you want to do it or not?'

F: 'You f*****g be professional. You be professional. You’re the one.'

S: 'I’m entitled to ask… Cristiano gave the right answer.'

F: 'F***ing hell with your answers.'

S: 'Don’t talk to me like that. Go away. If you want to behave civilly, fine. Don’t talk to me like that.'

F: 'F**k off.' (door slams)

THE END

Another storm in a teacup. Ferguson's siege mentality is what makes him a great manager, while I've always thought Shreeves was a bit of a prat – although he does at least stand up to Fergie here. Does this mean Ferguson will now boycott Sky? On previous form – he already boycotts the Beeb – I wouldn't be surprised to see Carlos Queiroz doing Sky interviews from now on.

James Morrison's hack/tackle on Cristiano Ronaldo

As requested, here's James Morrison's cynical hack on Cronaldo, which rightly earned the Boro substitute a straight red card. And watch Ronaldo's post-match interview below: 'Of course it was a penalty…' His English is coming on nicely.

Dive of the day? Cristiano Ronaldo vs Jonathan Woodgate

Boro seem to think that Ronaldo dived to win Man Utd's game-winning penalty, and no doubt Ronaldo-haters will think he went down to easily. Bollocks. It's not a dive and the ref was right to award a penalty. Woodgate clearly caught him, end of story. I also think there's an element of truth in Fergie's claim that Boro (and other teams) have a 'guilt complex' about Ronaldo. For his part, Ronaldo said 'Maybe some people don't like me. Maybe I'm too good…' Right on both counts.

Daivid Beckham's half-time thank-you speech at Old Trafford

Hard… to type… through… the tears… (sniff)… his hair is so lovely…

Cristiano Ronaldo gets mesmerised by his own skills

Cristiano Ronaldo's stepovers often leave defenders on their backsides, so it is a pleasure to see him bamboozling himself for once. And he still can't resist rolling over a couple of times (force of habit, obviously)!

[Rob Parker]

Manchester United 4-3 European XI: Cristiano Ronaldo's swervetastic free-kick goal

Commentator Martin Tyler doesn't seem to realise that's it's gone in (either that or the audio is out of sync). A wonderful strike to light up a pretty pointless friendly.

Champions League quarter-final draw: Liverpool, Chelsea & Man Utd avoid each other

AC Milan v Bayern Munich
PSV Eindhoven v LIVERPOOL
Roma v MANCHESTER UNITED
CHELSEA v Valencia

Click below for the Pies verdict.

Champions League quarter-final draw continued

So much for Sepp Blatter conspiracy theories! The quarter-final draw could not have been any kinder to the English teams. For this reason, the tie of the round (on paper at least) does not involve an English side: AC Milan v Bayern Munich sounds like a pretty mouthwatering prospect.

You would expect Liverpool to progress against PSV Eindhoven - although you would have expected Arsenal to. The Dutch outfit are by far the weakest side left in the tournament. Manchester United would have settled for Roma before the draw, I am sure. And Chelsea face a Valencia side which will presumably be weakened by a suspension or two following their brawl with Inter.

[Rob Parker]

Dive of the week part 2: Cristiano Ronaldo, Manchester United v Lille

We had already awarded Dive of the week to Arjen Robben yesterday for this effort, but Pies could not let this attempt from Cristiano Ronaldo slide. I thought Robben's dive was terrible, but having watched Ronaldo's latest antics I'd be tempted to award a penalty to Chelsea!

The Portuguese winger's booking for simulation is questionable under the Trades Description Act. If I was a player who simulated fouls I would be offended to have this tarred with the same brush. He just sort of falls over an invisible trip-wire (and it's not even a very good fall). Once again praise must go to the referee for brandishing the yellow card, and also for having the self-restraint not to slap his cry-baby face afterwards!

[Rob Parker]

Cristiano 'C-Ro' Ronaldo in US Vogue: by God, he is the new Beckham (only much better)

Here's a snap of Cristiano Ronaldo impressing Canadian supermodel Daria Werbowy with his ball control/sharp suit. She is laughing at how much gel he has in his hair, and probably saying to him, 'Do that dive that you always do…'

It's taken from a shoot in the latest issue of US Vogue, no less. Maybe Cristiano, or C-Ro as I will now name him (you heard it here first) will crack the States before David Beckham even kicks a ball in anger out there. Perhaps C-Ro could be the new Bond villain? [Via Kickette]

Click below to see another pic from the shoot…