Who Ate All The Pies

Cult Hero: Roberto Mancini

I used to love Mancini, with his feathery hair and casual brilliance – he made scoring goals look so damn easy. The team I support in Italy is Sampdoria, purely because Mancini played for them in the Eighties and Nineties.

Stuart McCall back to Bantams?

Rumour has it that Bradford are keen on taking Stuart McCall back to the Bantams in a managerial role. Let's hope he performs better on the touchline than he does when he's seen wobbling around and falling off cars. Still, not a drop spilled. A legend.

Steve Morrow goes wrong in celebration

Steve Morrow. Remembered for only one thing. Being unceremoniously dumped on his head after scoring the winner in a cup final for Arsenal and nearly perishing. So, what better way to relive the moment than with Baddiel and Skinner taking the piss out it?

[Mof Gimmers]

Eamon Dunphy's latest rant: 'Steven Gerrard found out... a nothing player'

Liverpool must be buzzing today. They've just beaten Barcelona! The European champions for crying out loud! Well, whilst the players smile away, any neutral who watched the game must be wondering why they bothered. With most of the press being, shall we say, kind to Rafa & Co, the same can't be said for the marvellous Eamon Dunphy and chums over on Irish telly. They stuck the boot in on The Reds performance, and anyone wanting a chuckle at some Liverpool bashing, watch the video below and smirk (or get riled) as he quips "I was hoping in the last fifteen minutes that Barcelona would beat them... Liverpool were terrible in the second-half. If that was a concert, you’d boo". Weren't we all puzzled when Bellamy was brought off for Jermaine Pennant?

Pele soccer skills video

Pele is not just the ambassador for erectile dysfunction. He is also one of the greatest players who ever lived, if not the greatest. I think we've been avoiding Pele videos on here for fear of being too obvious… however, this video is probably the best on the web at showing his dazzling skills and lethal finishing. Enjoy.

Cult Hero: Mark 'Sparky' Hughes

Bad hair, big ankles, brilliant goalscorer – that just about sums up Sparky.

Vladimir Romanov is officially a mentalist

Vladimir Romanov may just be my favourite man in football. He's absolutely insane. By no means would I want him taking the reigns at a club I supported, but boy, he doesn't half make me piss my pants with laughter.

Romanov once released an insanely marvelous statement to the Scottish press, saying "I'm very glad that you finally got down from the trees and found a worthy place for yourself - a safari park. It shows you have both the habits and instincts of monkeys. I'll visit the director of the safari park and ask for a personal cage for each of you. One thing is very important. First you have to pass the quarantine rules and the vet will vaccinate you against rabies. So you are not allowed to join the monkeys yet." He's also ranted about Bolsheviks shooting peasants and now, his finest hour yet, another bonkers attack on the Scots media and women who deny themselves love. Read over and get ready to rub your eyeballs in disbelief.

Romanov latest odd rant looks at referees and his auld foe, the media. He said: "Today I will express my opinion in English about refereeing in order that your Mowgli will not make you tell lies. To discuss whether referees take money or not is the same as discussing a woman who gives herself with no love. Isn't it better to concentrate on the standard of their work instead of looking for reasons for their poor performance? A woman cheats herself and nature if she gives herself without love.

"If a referee officiates a game based on his personal love, he commits a cynical crime, especially when the public has trusted him. I respect those referees who take money from two stupid teams and then honestly officiates a game. They do not harm football in any way. Though it is bad, still everybody is equal for them. Now it has become obvious to me why you, the Monkeys (his nickname for the media), were trying to ruin Hearts not only in the Championship, but in European competitions as well. I think it was not without your help that the 'frozen' referee from Russia was selected to officiate our match and that in the games against the Greek side we got three red cards".

He's as brilliant as he is baffling. I'll point out that this wasn't translated to make it sound more nonsensical. Give the man a chat show. [Mof Gimmers]

Gazza to star in horror flick

Gazza, G8, Paul Gascoigne... whatever you call him these days... has apparently agreed to appear in and turn his hand to producing new movie Final Run. Gazza will make his big-screen debut as a survivor of an alien invasion alongside the oh so very lovely Lois Winstone (daughter of Ray). According to production company SjB Imperial Film Ltd, he will play a character "forced to choose between his own survival and that of the human race." The company added: "As a part of the key creative team, Paul’s input into the script and vision are invaluable. Gascoigne, a lifelong genre fan, lends his considerable expertise as both producer and feature actor." Let's hope he's half as good on the big screen as he was on the pitch eh?

Cult Hero - Steve Bull

As a youth, Steve Bull was the bane of my life. Back in the old 4th division, I recall Steve Bull (and his striking partner Andy Mutch) tearing my beloved Bolton Wanderers apart with poise and, pardon the pun, bullishness and great tenacity. He is one of England's greatest ever strikers.

He signed for Wolves in 1986 for a measly £65,000 and remained there until the end of his professional career in 1999. His 13 years at Wolves, The Tipton Terrier broke no less than four of the club's goalscoring records and became their all-time leading goalscorer with 306 goals in competitive games (250 of them in the Football League, also a club record) and became their highest goalscorer in a single season when he scored a total of 52 goals in competitive games during the 1987-88 season. He also scored a club record of 18 hat-tricks. It's little wonder that Bully is regarded as such a legend at the club that one of the main stands at their football ground, the Molineux, is named after him. He also scored 4 goals in 13 games for England which is not a bad return for someone who never played in the English top-flight. Click over to see Bully's cracker for the England side.

Combover king Ralph Coates scores a cracker!

Ralph Coates, formerly of Spurs and Leyton Orient was the king of the combover. He rivalled Bobby Charlton, not only in the barnet department, but also on the pitch. What this cracking goal he scored for the O's and also, watch what happens when Mark Lawrenson is faced with a "good, honest, earthy shoulder charge..."