Who Ate All The Pies

Shaun Wright Phillips and Frank Lampard take on the wibbly wobbly challenge

Welcome to Jose Mourinho's 18-30 holiday camp. First up on today's activities is Frank Lampard and Shaun Wright Phillips on the wibbly wobbly challenge. This is quite possibly the cleanest strike of Lampard's career!

[Via The Offside, Rob Parker]

Shevchenko's wonder goal, Spurs v Chelsea FA Cup replay

Sheva's back! And he's wearing magic gloves…

55' [0 - 1]  A. Shevchenko
Uploaded by tzonner

Great goal to help Chelsea reach the FA Cup semis - looks like the FA will get the Chelsea v Man Utd final they crave for the new Wembley.

Spurs fan runs on to pitch to attack Frank Lampard

This moron ran on to the pitch at the end of last night's FA Cup quarter-final between Chelsea and Spurs to punch Frank Lampard (tempting as the idea might sound, it's pure stupidity to act on it). Having decided that lamping Lampard is the way forward, the tool in question manages to throw a huge air punch over Fat Frank's head before a group of stewards and Chelsea players join him in a game of playground pile-on. Click here to see the incident from the reverse angle.

[Rob Parker]

Jose Mourinho: The 'Shaddup your face' song

'Dot Cotton have more chance score than Shevchenko…' Top-quality Jose impression…

Chelsea ban celery (and urge fans to shop their vegetable-wielding mates!)

Chelsea have banned celery from Stamford Bridge after two referees mentioned in their match reports that the vegetable had been thrown onto the pitch. Blues fans traditionally take the offending item to their matches in honour of their chant Celery.

But fans have now been warned that they may be refused entry to matches if they attempt to take celery into the ground, and face arrest if they are caught throwing it. A helpful news item on the Chelsea website points out: " The throwing of anything at a football match, including celery, is a criminal offence for which you can be arrested and end up with a criminal record."

If you're interested the Celery Hotline (for grassing your mates confidentially) is: 020 7915 1919

[Rob Parker]

Jose Mourinho off to Real Madrid, with Frank Lampard in his luggage?

As reported in The Sun, Jose Mourinho will join Real Madrid as head coach this summer, but only if Frank Lampard comes too. The paper claims The Special One is resigned to leaving Chelsea this summer - he has already declared an interest in managing Madrid some day – and wants to build a Real side (Galacticos 2.0?) around the 28-year-old England midfielder, who has yet to agree a contract extension at Stamford Bridge.

If Mourinho & Lampard leave, John Terry may go too. Could the Chelsea machine be losing its three most important cogs this summer? OK, it is The Sun, but the unrest at Chelsea is there for all to see, and Mourinho would love nothing more than to pit his wits against ex-employer Barcelona, where he is still belittled as nothing more than a translator who got lucky.

Mourinho escapes FA action after calling Mike Riley's mum a "whore"

Only Jose Mourinho could escape a fine after calling Mike Riley a "filho da puta" ("son of a whore") during yesterday's FA Cup quarter-final tie against Tottenham.

The Chelsea manager was caught by television cameras using the phrase towards the referee at half-time, but Riley did not mention any incident in his report and told the FA there was nothing to pursue further. An FA spokesman said: "We have spoken to the referee who has clarified that there is no issue for us to pursue."

So what did the special one have to say about it? Well, read over as he's being his enigmatic self again...

Mourinho denied he intended to offend the match official. "If you listen to me speaking I say the kind of word you mention 10 times in every 15 words," he said. "If you have a microphone on the dugout, I say that during the game 20 times, easy. The word can be abusive if you understand it as an abusive word. I tell the word to my players when I am not happy. I say it 50 times in a game, 50 times in training and I don't want to be offensive. I can be emotional, but I am polite. I never want to be offensive with somebody."

Is it just me who can't read any comments by Jose without reading it in his voice? [Mof Gimmers]

Champions League quarter-final draw: Liverpool, Chelsea & Man Utd avoid each other

AC Milan v Bayern Munich
PSV Eindhoven v LIVERPOOL
Roma v MANCHESTER UNITED
CHELSEA v Valencia

Click below for the Pies verdict.

Champions League quarter-final draw continued

So much for Sepp Blatter conspiracy theories! The quarter-final draw could not have been any kinder to the English teams. For this reason, the tie of the round (on paper at least) does not involve an English side: AC Milan v Bayern Munich sounds like a pretty mouthwatering prospect.

You would expect Liverpool to progress against PSV Eindhoven - although you would have expected Arsenal to. The Dutch outfit are by far the weakest side left in the tournament. Manchester United would have settled for Roma before the draw, I am sure. And Chelsea face a Valencia side which will presumably be weakened by a suspension or two following their brawl with Inter.

[Rob Parker]

Liverpool, Man Utd & Chelsea through, Celtic & Arsenal out: a few Champions League reflections

1 Why is it Ballack & Shevchenko can do it against Europe's finest, but not against the likes of Wigan and Charlton? Must be very frustrating for Chelski fans.
2 It's never a good idea to headbutt the pitch. Just ask poor Mikael Silvestre.
3 Celtic have got some very talented kids who should be proud of their gutsy performance in the San Siro. Darren O'Dea deserves special praise. The young defender had a wonderful match.
4 Who really feels sorry for Arsenal? They paid the price once again for playing their flawed brand of why-shoot-when-you-can-pass? football. When will Arsene Wenger learn that sometimes you just have to hoof it long and hope for the best? Liverpool, Chelsea and even Man Yoo all play the long-ball game when they have to. There's no shame in it. It's still the first week in March and Arsenal's season is over.

5 Liverpool's prosaic brand of sleeves-rolled-up football isn't pretty but it sure as hell is effective. They really need a decent striker though. Dirk Kuyt works his socks off but he lacks pace, finesse and composure, among other attributes.

6 Clive Tyldesley is a one-eyed cliche machine.
7 Liverpool, Man Utd and Chelsea are now the best teams left in the tournament, at least according to the bookies. Does this mean that as well as the gulf between the Premiership and the Championship, there's also a gulf developing between the Prem and other European leagues?
8 PSV Eindhoven will not win the Champions League this season. And you can quote me on that…

Dive of the week: Arjen Robben, Chelsea v Porto

Chelsea winger Arjen Robben did his bit to shake off his reputation as a diver by throwing himself to the floor in the penalty area against Porto last night. The technique was textbook: try and wait around long enough to be clipped by the defender's leg and a Klinsmann swallow dive to the deck. Unfortunately for Robben, his timing was out. Full marks to the referee for booking him.

[Rob Parker]