« Manchester United 4-3 European XI: Cristiano Ronaldo's swervetastic free-kick goal | Main | Football League to scrap draws? »

Top 20 most slappable Premiership players

Some players have faces that are crying out to be hit with a fierce jab-cross-uppercut combination, rather than the usual girly slaps dished out on the pitch. Here is our list of Premiership players who we'd like to slap down.
1 El-Hadji Diouf
Bolton's spitting striker is truly the king of slappable (is that even a word?) Premiership players. And here he is picking up some sort of medal to celebrate the fact.

2 Lee Bowyer
Wouldn't you love to rearrange that face? Oh, looks like God beat us to it.

3 Craig Bellamy

'Craig, can I have a quick word…' SLAP!

4 Arjen Robben

His face seems permanently twisted into an expression that can only be described as 'Slap me hard'.

5 Ashley Cole

Show him the money, now. Lots of it. And he used to be such a nice boy. Shame.

6 Lucas Neill

West Ham's saviour (no sniggering at the back).

7 Gary Neville

We had to make room for Chairman Nev. Maybe he just needs a hug?

8 Tim Cahill

If you like boxing so much, have a punch on us.

9/10 Rio Ferdinand/Anton Ferdinand

An appealing 'two-prats-for-one' mega deal.

11 Cristiano Ronaldo

As much as Pies admires young master Ronaldo, there are still times when he demands a gentle slap across his tanned cheeks.

12 Michael Brown

Feisty little man with a weaselly head.

13 Emmanuel Eboue

Where to begin? Such a dislikable player.

14 Robbie Keane

Your cheeky Irish charm and crap goal celebration isn't fooling anyone.

15 Ricardo Carvalho

His head's too small for his body. Hey, who said this was rational?

16 James Beattie

All talent and no application. Seems to care more about his hair than his career.

17 Frank Lampard

And you thought we'd forgotten him. Shame on you.

18 Jermaine Pennant

Perhaps a slap will wipe that cocky/gormless look off his face.

19 Jens Lehmann

In the interests of tabloid-style xenophobia, we are obliged to have one German on this list. Mad Jens fits the bill, perfectly.

20 Robbie Savage

One for our older readers. Savage would have been gutted not to make this list. You're still a contender Robbie!

Pies is 100% certain that you'll all have your own ideas about who we've missed off this list. So let's hear 'em…

March 14, 2007 in Lists | Permalink


Why is Cahill in there, for god sakes?

Posted by: Jay | Mar 14, 2007 12:43:45 PM

It's a shame Rob Earnshaw isn't playing in the Premiership, he'd have been up the top of my list along with Bellamy.

But the Top 5 of the pies list is pretty much spot on.

However, Drogba should surely have been on there for his diving antics

Posted by: Dan | Mar 14, 2007 12:55:21 PM

LMAO. Why is big Jens down there at 19 ? Imagine him berating you about elbowing him when all you'd done is made a fair challenge to the ball. As he comes within range Whallop! you slap him Tango style. Imagine the look on this face ;)

Posted by: OmegaSupremeho | Mar 14, 2007 1:48:30 PM

Savage last place? No way! he should be in the top 3! As should Lehman!

Posted by: Tich | Mar 14, 2007 2:27:29 PM

Savage has mellowed in last few years - he's not as annoying as he used to be (in my opinion, anyway)

Posted by: Ollie, Pies Ed. | Mar 14, 2007 2:29:33 PM

Where's Joey Barton in your list?

Posted by: Robbo | Mar 14, 2007 2:37:52 PM

Lehmann & Savage for top five! And where is Riise?

Posted by: OleMann | Mar 14, 2007 2:58:40 PM

Not sure about Cahill. Doesn't wind me up at all. As a gooner I'm glad to see Eboue in the list. After a season of showing hard work and promise he managed to utterly ruin it this year with his diving, cheating and general shitbagness (now there's a word!). Do a Drogba and sort your act out or just go away. And take a slap with you.....

Posted by: Lew | Mar 14, 2007 3:20:29 PM

Just stopping by to say Happy Pi Day (3.14) to Who Ate All the Pies?

Posted by: truth | Mar 14, 2007 3:26:51 PM

And Limp without John Terry? They are a package irritation deal.

Posted by: truth | Mar 14, 2007 3:29:27 PM

even though hes not a player id include rafa benitez for his annoying face. not sure about lamps, but i can see why, sometimes he does look a little smug..

also, no Van Persie and Febregas?! double backhand bitch slaps all round there me thinks!

Posted by: joe | Mar 14, 2007 3:47:30 PM

I can think of a few managers who deserve a spot on this list. Inter has to be the most slap-worthy team in the world, though, with Materazzi and Recoba's cheeks just begging for a little punishment.

Posted by: Timothy B. | Mar 14, 2007 4:25:44 PM

I was expecting to see Nigel Medi-ocre languishing near the bottom of the table

Posted by: patrick | Mar 14, 2007 4:42:05 PM

Benitez does have an annoying face but Warnock would love a slap.

Posted by: Dom | Mar 14, 2007 4:52:01 PM

cant see why robbie keanes on the list..perhaps its only cos it was felt an irishman must be on the list...

i wouldve liked to see henry on the list....after his celbration against wigan he seemed liek such a bitch!!

as a liverpool fan im glad to see bellamy there and pennant....

good post! =D

Posted by: Da | Mar 14, 2007 4:54:13 PM

Hmmm... Sol Campbell perhaps? And Freddie 'Even more Effeminate than Beckham' Ljungberg & Leroy' Gangster' Lita would also warrant an honourable mention.

Posted by: Jay | Mar 14, 2007 5:01:27 PM

How about Ben "Flying Elbow" Thatcher?

Looking outside the EPL, Materazzi would be number one on my list.

Posted by: Comandante Agi | Mar 14, 2007 5:05:42 PM

paddy "pikie" kenny definitely needs a bloody good thump

Posted by: Sheps | Mar 14, 2007 5:27:41 PM

the worst list ever!

Posted by: pokerelg | Mar 14, 2007 5:35:28 PM

Good list. Would've replaced Carvalho/Beattie with Richardson/Drogba

Posted by: Steve | Mar 14, 2007 5:42:39 PM

Thanks pokereig! we love constructive criticism!

Posted by: Ollie, Pies Ed. | Mar 14, 2007 6:12:03 PM

I actually can't believe Henry's not on this list, that's like having a list of over-rated deflection merchants and not including Fat Frank. Henry is the definition of a player who needs a good slap round the face, and the presence of players such as Ronaldo on this list suggests that an individual's ability should not preclude them from a good slapping.

Posted by: Ashley | Mar 14, 2007 6:13:26 PM

hmm, i think we could add berbetov, he is incredibly skillful and i like him a lot but he does tend to whine and blame everything on his team mates but i guess his recent class makes up for it. and this list cant be serious without fabregas.

Posted by: Tommy | Mar 14, 2007 6:14:06 PM

Henry was certainly in the mix, as was Fabregas. Personally, Henry doesn't bug me that much.

Posted by: Ollie, Pies Ed. | Mar 14, 2007 6:26:08 PM

There's not allowed to be another Dom, this is just plain confusing.

Barton doesn't need a slap, just get him an ASBO or something.

Posted by: Dom | Mar 14, 2007 7:21:04 PM

The comments to this entry are closed.