Top 10 Footballers who could play Bond villains

No Mr Bond, I expect you to dive…

1 Franck Ribery
Born to play: ruthless scar-faced pyscopath with a bullet lodged in his brain and vengeance on his mind.
See: Robert Carlyle as Renard in The World Is Not Enough.

2 Nemanja Vidic
Born to play: Strong-but-silent SPECTRE heavy who never says a word but is more than capable of taking Bond in a fist fight.
See: Robert Shaw as 'Red' Grant in From Russia With Love.

3 Joleon Lescott
Born to play: Nutty, angular-haired assassin who thinks it's acceptable to sleep with a 103-year-old Roger Moore.
See: May Day, played with appalling woodenness by Grace Jones in A View To a Kill.

4 Andrei Shevchenko
Born to play: poker-playing terrorist sympathiser with a tendency to bleed from his eye. Mmm, nice.
See: Mads Mikkelsen as Le Chiffre in the most recent Bond flick, Casino Royale.

5 Carlos Tevez
Born to play: A South American/East End drug lord with problem skin.
See: Robert Davi as Franz Sanchez in Licence To Kill.

6 Garth Crooks
Born to play: sinister dictator-turned-drug dealer with a penchant for voodoo/asking inane questions.
See: Yaphet Kotto as Mr Big/Dr Kananga in Live and Let Die.

7 Jose Mourinho
Born to play: arrogant, island-dwelling assassin with a deadly aim and three nipples.
See: Christopher Lee as Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun.

8 Frank Lampard
Born to play: short, fat henchman to a man with three nipples (see above).
See: the late, great Herve Villechaize as Nick Nack in The Man with the Golden Gun.

9 Cristiano Ronaldo
Born to play: cocky and reckless young sidekick to South American drug lord.
See: Benicio del Toro as Dario in Licence to Kill.

10 Rio Ferdinand
Born to play: big-haired temptress who likes to play it casual at the back. Yo' got merked beeyatch!
See: Gloria Hendry as double-crossing CIA agent Rosie Carver in Live and Let Die.

[Ollie, Pies Ed.]