« The Fiendish Friday Quiz | Main | Top 20 Comedy Football Moments, Vol. 2 »

Top 10 Footballers who could play Bond villains

No Mr Bond, I expect you to dive…
1 Franck Ribery
Born to play: ruthless scar-faced pyscopath with a bullet lodged in his brain and vengeance on his mind.
See: Robert Carlyle as Renard in The World Is Not Enough.

2 Nemanja Vidic

Born to play: Strong-but-silent SPECTRE heavy who never says a word but is more than capable of taking Bond in a fist fight.
See: Robert Shaw as 'Red' Grant in From Russia With Love.

3 Joleon Lescott

Born to play: Nutty, angular-haired assassin who thinks it's acceptable to sleep with a 103-year-old Roger Moore.
See: May Day, played with appalling woodenness by Grace Jones in A View To a Kill.

4 Andrei Shevchenko
Born to play:
poker-playing terrorist sympathiser with a tendency to bleed from his eye. Mmm, nice.
See: Mads Mikkelsen as Le Chiffre in the most recent Bond flick, Casino Royale.

5 Carlos Tevez
Born to play:
A South American/East End drug lord with problem skin.
See: Robert Davi as Franz Sanchez in Licence To Kill.

6 Garth Crooks
Born to play:
sinister dictator-turned-drug dealer with a penchant for voodoo/asking inane questions.
See: Yaphet Kotto as Mr Big/Dr Kananga in Live and Let Die.

7 Jose Mourinho
Born to play:
arrogant, island-dwelling assassin with a deadly aim and three nipples.
See: Christopher Lee as Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun.

8 Frank Lampard

Born to play: short, fat henchman to a man with three nipples (see above).
See: the late, great Herve Villechaize as Nick Nack in The Man with the Golden Gun.

9 Cristiano Ronaldo

Born to play: cocky and reckless young sidekick to South American drug lord.
See: Benicio del Toro as Dario in Licence to Kill.

10 Rio Ferdinand
Born to play:
big-haired temptress who likes to play it casual at the back. Yo' got merked beeyatch!
See: Gloria Hendry as double-crossing CIA agent Rosie Carver in Live and Let Die.

[Ollie, Pies Ed.]

March 23, 2007 in Lists | Permalink


I still can't stop laughing ... the best ones were the Rio Ferdinand, the Fat Frank Lampard and Carlos Tevez ... but you missed Luke Chadwick!!
Great stuff!

Posted by: Cesar | Mar 23, 2007 3:37:20 PM

LMAO @ Garth Crooks !! All very good btw :D

Posted by: OmegaSupremeho | Mar 23, 2007 4:16:50 PM

Brilliant stuff indeed!!

Posted by: Nick | Mar 23, 2007 6:39:30 PM

Lampard as a midget--da plane! da plane! I keek da ball up to da plane! I luv it!

Posted by: Bif Scooter | Mar 27, 2007 7:36:10 AM

So so brilliant - thank you for brightening my day. Is there anyone with the gnashers to rival Jaws?

Posted by: Linda | Mar 27, 2007 1:26:17 PM

Linda, I wish there was - I considered Peter Crouch, but he's way too skinny!

Posted by: Ollie, Pies Ed. | Mar 27, 2007 1:33:40 PM

Peter Beardsley I reckon but of course he's way it. Thanks again, I'll look forward to more equally as inspired lists!

Posted by: Linda | Mar 27, 2007 1:38:40 PM

The comments to this entry are closed.