Shit England manager week: David Beckham's Photoshop School

'Hello, David Beckham here, writing this in my LA mansion. Welcome to my Photoshop School, where talented young Photoshoppers can come, for a small (well, large actually) fee and learn proper mad skills off me, innit. This week I done a poster wiv Sean Penn and that nasty man Steve McClaren, who's so stupid he won't ever pick me again. I also included a moody pic of Frankie Lampard, who's rubbish at dead balls, unlike me who's the best dead ball-kicker in the world, at least that's what adidas tell me to say, innit. Gotta go now, the phone's going… Victoria… VICTORIA! That little Scientology fella's on the phone again…'