Who Ate All The Pies

Hasselbaink faces rap from FA

Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink is finding himself in a bit of bother after he made claims that players received illegal payments after a 2004 Champions League win over Arsenal.

JFH will get done for 'bringing the game into disrepute' and 'improper conduct' if his claims are unsubstantiated. The now Charlton player made 156 appearances for Chelsea and played 84 minutes of Chelsea's 2-1 victory in the Champions League quarter-final, second leg at Highbury. As a result, Chelsea went through to the semi-final after a 3-2 aggregate win over the Gunners - and Hasselbaink claims Blues' stars were given an extra cash reward. he's got until the 14th of August to respond.

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Player celebrates, loses finger, gets booked.

So, you celebrate your side scoring a goal... you run to your adoring fans to share the joy. You jump up onto the fence, and the fans go bananas! You then realise that your wedding ring got caught on the fence and ripped your finger off. Then you get booked whilst your mangled hand loses blood. Football is a strange and cruel game sometimes. Don't watch this video if you are sqeamish.

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Transfer gossip heats up with Cole, Carrick and Downing

Bloody hell. It's all hotting up. Aside from Chelsea, it's all seemed a bit quiet in transfer land, until now! Carrick has gone to Man Urinal, with the club apparently shelling out £18.6 million on him (phew!). So what will Jol spend his money on? Well, it would seem he's after Gareth Barry (who'd blame him if he left?) and Stuart Downing.

Ashley Cole, still disgruntled at Arsenal, is in a tug-of-war between Chelski and Real Madrid. Obviously, Arsene doesn't want to see Cole playing for London rivals, and reports suggest that he'll be sold to Marca for 18million euros, as opposed to the 25 million being offered by the boys from the Bridge.

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'Coup de Boule': The 'Headbutt' song that's taking France by storm

This catchy little song is called simply 'Coup de Boule' ('Headbutt') and was written in 30 minutes by three despondent French fans, the day after the World Cup final. It's been the most downloaded track in France in the past two weeks, by a mile.

Top 10 Fat Footballers

These days professional footballers have to be professional athletes as well. There's no room in the game for a player who likes his pies and ale and wears his shorts XXXL. This is a great shame; if you look at our Top 10 Fat Footballers, you'll see that there's some world-class talent in there…

(They're just big-boned, anyway.)

Top 10 Fat Footballers continued…

10 Thomas Brolin
A case of puppy fat turned to real fat.

9 Diego Maradona
Always a stocky little fella, but really let himself go after he retired. Had stomach surgery in 2005 to curb his overeating.

8 John Barnes
No matter how much thirst-quenching Isotonic he drank, Barnesy was one of those players who required 'very big shorts' in the latter stages of his playing career.

7 Ferenc Puskas
For a 'fat little chap' from Hungary, he could certainly play a bit.

6 Paul Gascoigne
These may be false man boobs - but Gazza's real ones looked similar.

5 Neville Southall
Goalies can get away with a few extra layers, as Big Nev shows here.

4 Mick Quinn
'He's fat, he's round, he's worth a million pounds, Micky Quinn, Micky Quinn…'

3 Jan Molby
Famously never left the centre circle during a match.

2 Fatty Foulkes
The nickname gives it away. Another goalie, he makes Neville Southall look slim by comparison. Apparently, the 'Who ate all the pies?' chant was created for Foulkes, so we owe him one.

1 Neil Ruddock
Transfer-listed by Swindon after arriving back at the club overweight. At one stage, Razor even had to have his shorts specially made. For that fact alone, he takes the No.1 spot.

Five reasons why Alex Ferguson should resign now

1 Fergie got his pricetags mixed up – £12m for Van Nistelrooy and £18m for Carrick? Should have been the other way around. Both deals were bad business.
2 Top players now avoid signing for Man Utd partly because they don't want to play for an old-school manager with a reputation for shabbily treating big names – Keane, Beckham & Stam, for example.
3 His childish spat with the BBC proves that Fergie finds it impossible to swallow his pride, an unhealthy trait for a football manager.
4 Look at Spurs boss Martin Jol signing the likes of Dimitar Berbatov and Didier Zokora – both of whom would have improved Man Utd's squad – and it's clear that Fergie has lost his eye for a bargain. United fans expect better than Patrice Evra and Nemanja Vidic.
5 Darren Fletcher. Why?
 

Wet T-shirt World Cup

At last, a World Cup with a bit of dignity. [NSFW, if you hadn't guessed]

Which football club is the best in the world?

Ruud Van Nistelrooy has called new employers Real Madrid 'the best club in the world' – a parting shot at Man Utd, if you ask me. In this context, 'best' might as well mean 'biggest'; all of which begs the question, which is the best/biggest club in the world?

In other words, if you asked the best 100 players in the world which club would they most like to play for, what would be the most popular answer? Barcelona or AC Milan, maybe? What do you reckon?

When is tapping up not tapping up? The Ashley Cole Saga continues...

Ashley Cole goes for a meal with 'the special one'. They get caught and the FA smack their legs. Tut tut. 'Naughty Chelsea. You may well be the richest in the playground, but you can't go around offering more sweets to the greedy bugger over there.' And then Cole signs for Chelsea.

It certainly seems to be the case. Arsenal have admitted that they're in talks with Chelski about Ashley 'OK!' Cole, and no-one seems to mind one bit. 'We have had a couple of very civil conversations with Chelsea and there is nothing else to say on that,' said David Dein, Arsenal's head goon. It would also seem that a few beans will be spilled in Ashley's autobiography (due out next month) about his anger with Arsenal over the tapping up debacle. Are these people getting away with tapping up or what?

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Andriy Shevchenko, Goal Machine

Chelski have spent loads of money this summer and everyone hates them. They've bought Andriy Shevchenko merely as a trophy to parade. Really? Watch this video and beware. He's great with his bonce AND both feet.

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