Who Ate All The Pies

THE VOTE Who is your Premiership player of the season?

I thought now would be a good time to ask the question: who is your Premiership player of the season? I won't prejudice your nominations with any of my own, although I will add a comment with my feelings on the matter. Suffice it to say, that there are several star performers from both Chelsea and Man Utd, as well as a few surprise candidates from other clubs.

Add your nomination to the comments, and let the heated debate begin…

Steven Gerrard learns that he won't have to play alongside Frank Lampard tonight…

Frank Lampard out of Andorra game with broken wrist. Be still our beating heart

Disaster strikes! Frank Lampard is out of the Andorra game after breaking his wrist during a training session - the country owes a debt of gratitude to Wayne Rooney, whose shot struck Lamps.

What we need now is for Gerrard and Hargreaves to play a blinder in central midfield and for Steve McClaren to wake up to the fact that Gerrard and Lampard will never play well together, ever. Oh, that's cheered me up no end.

PS Still getting to grips with our new publishing platform, so apologies for the lack of posts today. Will be back to normal tomorrow, we promise.

Burmese keepy-ups video

This lot make Cristiano Ronaldo look like Gavin McCann.

Pies moving house, crockery may get broken

If you've been having any problems with Pies in the last 24 hours (I know I have!), it's almost certainly due to the fact that we're currently in the process of switching publishing platforms. We should be fully settled in to our new shiny new home very soon, and ready to push for automatic promotion. Thanks for your patience. Ollie, Pies Ed.

Benjani brawls with Peter Ndlovu

It's a fight to strike fear into the heart of the most accomplished of boxing MCs: Benjani Mwaruwari v Peter Ndlovu. The two Zimbabwe internationals scrapped it out at their team hotel after rowing over an ex-girlfriend. Portsmouth striker Benjani and former Coventry City player Ndlovu smashed windows and tables at Harare's Crest Lodge Hotel. Benjani - already eyeing up his next fight (with the missus) - said: "I don't fight about girlfriends. I have a lot of them, and I am married." [Via Mirror, Rob Parker]

Shit England manager week: Kevin Keegan thinks he abuses Jean

Women of the world, wouldn't you love it, just LOVE IT, if you could go out with the hotness that is Kevin Keegan? Just watch how he carries his blouson/jacket over his shoulder, not to mention the exemplary way he treats his lovely wife Jean…

Shit England manager week: David Beckham's Photoshop School

'Hello, David Beckham here, writing this in my LA mansion. Welcome to my Photoshop School, where talented young Photoshoppers can come, for a small (well, large actually) fee and learn proper mad skills off me, innit. This week I done a poster wiv Sean Penn and that nasty man Steve McClaren, who's so stupid he won't ever pick me again. I also included a moody pic of Frankie Lampard, who's rubbish at dead balls, unlike me who's the best dead ball-kicker in the world, at least that's what adidas tell me to say, innit. Gotta go now, the phone's going… Victoria… VICTORIA! That little Scientology fella's on the phone again…'

Shit England manager week: Steve McClaren vs Garth Crooks

Crooks tries to break Steve 'Dead Man Walking' McClaren's spirit but the Mac's got his game face on – you know, the one where he looks like a National Express driver emerging from his coach's toilet after a Glasgow-to-London long-haul journey.

Tremendously topical YouTube video: Ruud van Nistelrooy's goal celebration, Holland vs Andorra

A random YouTube search for 'Andorra' threw up some Eurovision Song Contest bollocks and this memorable goal celebration by RVN. Having been taunted by Andorra's players for missing a penalty, Ruud gets his own back in his own special (ie. childish) way.

The 10 Greatest Football Books, part 2

Here's the second part of our Ten Greatest Football Books list. You can read part one here.

My Father and Other Working-class Football Heroes, by Gary Imlach
Like Nick Hornby's Fever Pitch, My Father… is more of a memoir than a straight football book. Imlach, whose face you may know from his time presenting TV coverage of American football and the Tour de France, tells the story of his complex relationship with his footballer father, Stewart Imlach, a talented winger who represented Scotland at the 1958 World Cup. When Imlach Snr died, the author realised that he never really knew his father as a man, but merely in terms of his achievements on a football pitch. This touching book won William Hill's 2005 Sports Book of the Year and deservedly so – like most good sports books, this is about so much more than a game. BUY IT

Continue reading "The 10 Greatest Football Books, part 2"

News Balls: Steve McClaren and Terry Venables close to split and more juicy news balls

El Tel and Smac - another showbiz divorce for Max Clifford to deal with? [Guardian]
Ronaldo pledges to stay at United [Mirror]
Mido to move out of the Dracula-shaped shadow of Dimitar Berbatov and to Manchester City [Mirror]
City will also be splashing the cash to keep Micah Richards away from Manchester United [MEN]
Steve Coppell can take his coat off after signing two-year deal at Reading [Football 365]

David Beckham to live the Herbalife at LA Galaxy

Health firm Herbalife are the latest business to buy into Brand Beckham after becoming the new shirt sponsors of LA Galaxy. The company flogs weight loss and nutritional products, despite a logo and name which make it seem like the friendly face of marijuana dealing!

Herbalife has signed a deal worth between $3.5 million and $5 million every season until 2011 with Beckham's new team, which should cover his wages for a couple of hours! LA Galaxy are the second MLS side to take advantage of new rules allowing them to sell shirt sponsorship. [Via SoccerFiesta, Rob Parker]

Classic Moment: England 4-2 Croatia, Euro 2004

Remember when Wayne Rooney used to score goals for England? Vaguely? Well, his last two competitive goals for England were this pair he scored against Croatia at Euro 2004. Check out some excitable commentary from John Motson, including the prophetic: "Is there nothing this boy can do!"

[Rob Parker]

Kit Parade: Newcastle United 2007-08 home shirt

The release dates for the new kits seems to get earlier and earlier each season. Newcastle's home shirt for next season is already available for pre-order ahead a 2 May launch. Out go the traditional stripy sleeves in favour of an a much more black affair. Think more zebra than bar-code for the 2007-08 season! Click here to pre-order. [Rob Parker]

Hawar scores from his own half in UAE President's Cup

If it had been David Beckham or Xabi Alonso we would have all been raving about, so why shouldn't we get excited about Hawar scoring from his own half for Al Ain against Al Shaab in the UAE President's Cup last month. This was the winning goal in a 3-2 victory. Not bad!

[Rob Parker]

Lampard: Master thumb wrestler

Ladies and gents. Pies can finally reveal something that Frank Lampard is great at (which many people have been wondering after yet another woeful performance in an England shirt). Yes folks, Lamps is great at beating Kalou in a thumb wrestling match whilst wearing a Mexican wrestling mask. Stops us looking at that face which he's stolen from KD Lang.

Is the England camp falling apart?

England can't score. We've got a rubbish manager who can't help to stop negative play and it's all infuriatingly boring. For any Englishman, this isn't exactly news, but what is worrying about the current set-up is the lack of drive, willingness to perform and a dressing room that looks about as harmonious as George Best's relationship with his liver. Is England's rot caused by a broken spirit?

Reports have filtered through the press claiming that Wayne Rooney has reacted angrily at being singled out for criticism following the Euro 2008 qualifying draw in Israel. England gaffer McClaren said: "It's ridiculous. We couldn't believe it inside the camp. It is an absolute load of rubbish. Everyone is together and know what we need to do." Everyone's together? Does that statement alone not leave the alarm bells ringing?

Continue reading "Is the England camp falling apart?"

Moritz Volz loves the English weather

Fulham defender and unofficial English Tourist Board spokesman Moritz Volz has leapt to the defence of the English climate. The German told The Guardian's Small Talk [Cue Land of Hope and Glory in the background]: "It's not as bad as people say it is. England has to be one of the most beautiful countries in the world when the sun is out. People have this idea, probably from Agatha Christie and Sherlock Holmes, that England's always rainy, but it's nice and mild: you have flowers blossoming here as early as February. I can't knock the weather, but mind you I've never lived in Middlesbrough." Click here to read the full interview in which Volzy sets the record straight on Hoff. [Rob Parker]

10 reasons why Ian Holloway should be appointed England manager

1 He is not Steve McClaren.
2 Even after a dull 0-0 bore draw with Israel, Ollie would still entertain us with his post-match interview. Whereas McClaren...
3 Ian Holloway could motivate a stone (although whether this is a big a feat as motivating a bunch of overpaid egotists is up for debate!)
4 Ollie is happily married and a true family man. He is therefore unlikely to throw up any embarrassing Sven-style scandals.
5 He would have the balls to substitute Frank Lampard.

Continue reading "10 reasons why Ian Holloway should be appointed England manager"

Japanese babe plays keepy-up (badly)

At least she plays with a smile on her face. If we can dig up an English grandparent, perhaps she can be the solution to England's left-sided problem? She needs to work on her ball control though… [Via With Leather]

Classic Moments: 'Platttty!!!'

Ah, I remember the days when England had a good manager…

Click below for another classic Turnip clip:

Continue reading "Classic Moments: 'Platttty!!!'"

Israel v England, the real player ratings

Paul Robinson Robbo (pictured, left) failed miserably to score the goals for which he was brought into the side. And he wore gloves when it wasn't even cold. 1/10
Phil Neville His lopsided face only served to upset the balance in the team. Surely Gary/Phil's sister Tracey would be a better bet? One point for at least trying to sing the National Anthem (unlike comrade Gary, who never does). 1/10
Rio Ferdinand Tried gamely to merk Israel's defence with pinpoint passes. Failed gamely too. Solid at the back, in the face of Israel's relentless 'stay in our own half' attack. 2.5/10
John Terry Our Captain Marvel didn't put a foot wrong, or right for that matter. Time to ditch the Foxton's-estate agent haircut though. 1/10
Jamie Carragher The Best Centre-Half in the World (Scouse trademark) was unfairly played out of position, so he gets a full 10/10

Continue reading "Israel v England, the real player ratings"

Landon 'Landycakes' Donovan, scores a hat-trick (USA vs Ecuador friendly)

So whilst England failed abjectly to trouble the scorers against plucky Israel (and respect to the home side's stalwart defenders), the good 'ole US of America stood as one to applaud this hat-trick, scored by Landycakes for the national team against Ecuador. Watch out for his third goal - it's a cracker:

Pies' new tipster lands 150-1 fourway in first week – we're rich, I tells ya (evil laugh to fade)!

Here's a picture of Ollie, Pies Ed. arriving at work in his new yacht this morning, having cleaned up at the bookies this weekend. Mad props to Lee Honeyball, our new tipster, who landed all four of his live bets in his debut column, adding up to around a 150-1 quadruple.

Mystic Lee correctly predicted that Germany would beat Czech Republic away (great shout), that Ireland would beat Wales at home (bit more obvious), that Chris Boyd would score first for Scotland v Georgia, and that the correct scoreline of Israel v England would be 0-0. Bad luck if you missed out, but keep watching for Lee's second column, this Friday…