Who Ate All The Pies

Walter Smith rips into Scottish reporter Chick Young

I'm not too sure what it is that Walter Smith finds so offensive about Chick Young's question, but he definitely takes a disliking to it. The reporter receives a four-lettered rant for his troubles from Smith during his first spell at Rangers.

[Rob Parker]

Scottish football fan parodies Sportscene adverts

The creator of this YouTube video seems to need a little convincing that the matches available to him on BBC Scotland's Sportscene programme are the top-level football they claim to be!

[Rob Parker]

Liverpool, Man Utd & Chelsea through, Celtic & Arsenal out: a few Champions League reflections

1 Why is it Ballack & Shevchenko can do it against Europe's finest, but not against the likes of Wigan and Charlton? Must be very frustrating for Chelski fans.
2 It's never a good idea to headbutt the pitch. Just ask poor Mikael Silvestre.
3 Celtic have got some very talented kids who should be proud of their gutsy performance in the San Siro. Darren O'Dea deserves special praise. The young defender had a wonderful match.
4 Who really feels sorry for Arsenal? They paid the price once again for playing their flawed brand of why-shoot-when-you-can-pass? football. When will Arsene Wenger learn that sometimes you just have to hoof it long and hope for the best? Liverpool, Chelsea and even Man Yoo all play the long-ball game when they have to. There's no shame in it. It's still the first week in March and Arsenal's season is over.

5 Liverpool's prosaic brand of sleeves-rolled-up football isn't pretty but it sure as hell is effective. They really need a decent striker though. Dirk Kuyt works his socks off but he lacks pace, finesse and composure, among other attributes.

6 Clive Tyldesley is a one-eyed cliche machine.
7 Liverpool, Man Utd and Chelsea are now the best teams left in the tournament, at least according to the bookies. Does this mean that as well as the gulf between the Premiership and the Championship, there's also a gulf developing between the Prem and other European leagues?
8 PSV Eindhoven will not win the Champions League this season. And you can quote me on that…

Vladimir Romanov is officially a mentalist

Vladimir Romanov may just be my favourite man in football. He's absolutely insane. By no means would I want him taking the reigns at a club I supported, but boy, he doesn't half make me piss my pants with laughter.

Romanov once released an insanely marvelous statement to the Scottish press, saying "I'm very glad that you finally got down from the trees and found a worthy place for yourself - a safari park. It shows you have both the habits and instincts of monkeys. I'll visit the director of the safari park and ask for a personal cage for each of you. One thing is very important. First you have to pass the quarantine rules and the vet will vaccinate you against rabies. So you are not allowed to join the monkeys yet." He's also ranted about Bolsheviks shooting peasants and now, his finest hour yet, another bonkers attack on the Scots media and women who deny themselves love. Read over and get ready to rub your eyeballs in disbelief.

Romanov latest odd rant looks at referees and his auld foe, the media. He said: "Today I will express my opinion in English about refereeing in order that your Mowgli will not make you tell lies. To discuss whether referees take money or not is the same as discussing a woman who gives herself with no love. Isn't it better to concentrate on the standard of their work instead of looking for reasons for their poor performance? A woman cheats herself and nature if she gives herself without love.

"If a referee officiates a game based on his personal love, he commits a cynical crime, especially when the public has trusted him. I respect those referees who take money from two stupid teams and then honestly officiates a game. They do not harm football in any way. Though it is bad, still everybody is equal for them. Now it has become obvious to me why you, the Monkeys (his nickname for the media), were trying to ruin Hearts not only in the Championship, but in European competitions as well. I think it was not without your help that the 'frozen' referee from Russia was selected to officiate our match and that in the games against the Greek side we got three red cards".

He's as brilliant as he is baffling. I'll point out that this wasn't translated to make it sound more nonsensical. Give the man a chat show. [Mof Gimmers]

Gazza to star in horror flick

Gazza, G8, Paul Gascoigne... whatever you call him these days... has apparently agreed to appear in and turn his hand to producing new movie Final Run. Gazza will make his big-screen debut as a survivor of an alien invasion alongside the oh so very lovely Lois Winstone (daughter of Ray). According to production company SjB Imperial Film Ltd, he will play a character "forced to choose between his own survival and that of the human race." The company added: "As a part of the key creative team, Paul’s input into the script and vision are invaluable. Gascoigne, a lifelong genre fan, lends his considerable expertise as both producer and feature actor." Let's hope he's half as good on the big screen as he was on the pitch eh?

Dive of the week: Alberto Gilardino, Celtic vs AC Milan

Full marks to Gilardino for style, but no marks at all for timing (taken from last night's Celtic v Milan snooze-fest).

Wee Gordon Strachan in 1977

Gordon Strachan was a tenacious and tricky little player in his day... little being the operative word. Before days of winning the Cup Winners Cup with Aberdeen, and spells at Leeds and ManYoo, the wee man was a rising star at Dundee. Watch him tear apart Abroath with his hair nearly as big as he is all the way back in 1977...

[Mof Gimmers]

Iron Maiden star Bruce Dickenson flies Rangers to Israel

Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickenson was the pilot as Rangers flew to Israel for their Uefa Cup tie with Hapoel Tel Aviv. And this wasn't some cheap publicity stunt - Dickenson is a qualified commercial pilot and regularly flies for charter airline Astraeus.

The heavy metal star made a special request to fly the Glasgow team after hearing that Astraeus had secured the contract. Rangers manager Walter Smith told the club's website: "I know their stuff quite well. I remember going to meet the band when they played in Edinburgh a few years ago. I would never have thought that Bruce would be flying our plane." [Via BBC]

[Rob Parker]

Andrei Kanchelskis hangs up his twinkle toes

Former Manchester United winger and all round twinkle toes Andrei Kanchelskis has decided to retire from football. Kanchelskis, now 38-years-old, said: "You need to leave at the right time. Now seems a suitable moment to begin a new chapter in my footballing life," added Kanchelskis, who will be deciding his plans in the coming weeks.

Kanchelskis won two titles and an FA Cup during his time at ManYoo won two Premiership titles before buggering off to join Everton in 1995. He then went onto have spells at Fiorentina, Rangers, Manchester City, Southampton, Al-Hilal in Saudi Arabia and Saturn Moscow Krylya Sovetov. Despite being born in Ukraine, Kanchelskis opted to play for Russia following the fall of the Soviet Union, winning 36 caps and scoring five goals. His greatest accolade came last year when he was voted as the 47th greatest Premiership player ever by Pies writers.

Click over to see Andrei's wonder goal against Oldham in the FACup semi final, or alternatively, click here to see his hilarious showboating...

Kit Parade: Lithuania

One of the more unusual ties thrown up by this week's round of international friendlies is Lithuania versus Mali. If you are a collector of obscure football shirts or simply a Hearts fan, you might like to purchase the Lithuanian kit! This is the side that held world champions Italy to a 1-1 draw last September. And this despite the fact that their shirt looks like it belongs with an amateur ice hockey team with poor taste! Click here to buy it for £39.99. [Rob Parker]

Scottish Football Manager

The Scottish FA have announced that they are ready to unveil the new manager for the national side (after Walter Smith's shock exit) on Monday at a press conference. Everyone knows it's going to be Alex McLeish. If not, maybe they should give this bloke a chance?

Free travel to football matches

Fans who have experienced the thrill of an away match will know how addictive it is. The trip down, the pre-match pints in a strange pub, being in a strange ground. It's like a holiday with a football match stuck in the middle of it! However, loads give it a wide berth because they can't get a lift down to the games. Well, you needn't fear that any more.

A website called WeWillfollow aims to stop all that worry and hassle by allowing you to offer and request lifts to games home and away, and it’s completely free. Added to that, the site also has a ticket exchange for fans with a spare. It's all rather nice isn't it? To add to the community feeling, WeWillFollow also have a unique 'Exile List' for each club, so if you've drifted away from your club (geographically speaking) you can register as a member on the site and talk to other exiled supporters of your club. With a list of 1000+ supporters clubs too, you need never feel lonely and exiled again! Have a look and sign up with the site now!

Walter Smith jilts Scotland to join Rangers

I don't want to single out Walter Smith as the only man in football to f**k over his employers, but I have to say I'm pretty disgusted – although not at all surprised – that he has decided to leave the Scottish national team in the lurch. There's precious little loyalty in football these days, and this sends out the clearest message yet that a contract is worth less than zero.

The SFA will now take legal action against Smith for breach of contract (he had 18 months left to run as manager of Scotland), and also against Rangers for 'inducement to breach the contract'. Quite right too. Would you want your team to be managed by a man who apparently doesn't know the meaning of the word loyalty?

One to watch: Jamie McCarthy

A host of English and Scottish clubs are currently battling it out to capture 16-year-old Hamilton Academical wonderkid Jamie McCarthy. The midfielder/Neil Lennon Mini-Me scored his first senior goal against Livingston at the weekend.

Liverpool and Reading - where McCarthy is currently training for a couple of days - are leading the chase. Liverpool were quick to make an offer after the youngster impressed during a week-long trial. Hamilton manager Billy Reid said: "Reading is a well-run team, as are Liverpool. But there is so much interest in Jamie just now and we're not in a hurry to sell him." [Rob Parker]

Breaking News: Le Guen and Rangers part company

Rangers manager Paul Le Guen has left the club by mutual consent after a difficult couple of weeks at Ibrox. The Frenchman had recently stripped Barry Ferguson of the captaincy after claiming the player was undermining him in the dressing room.

Le Guen then gave the armband to Gavin Rae who admitted that he was "caught in the crossfire" after manager Paul Le Guen's controversial decision to drop Ferguson. Rae said "I don't even know what's been said between the pair of them and, to be honest, I don't want to know." More news when we get it. [Mof Gimmers]

Pressley to join Addicks?

Former Hearts captain Steven Pressley has undergone a medical at Charlton, but his agent has not ruled out a move to Scottish champions Celtic. The 33-year-old was at The Valley on Wednesday and held talks with Addicks gaffer Alan Pardew. The players agent, Blair Morgan, told the Scotsman: "He had a medical while there but nothing should be read into that. It now comes down to two excellent offers from two clubs - one in England and one in Scotland."

The Scotland international is a free agent after leaving Hearts earlier this month following his criticism of majority shareholder Vladimir Romanov. Pressley also claimed there was "dressing-room unrest" at the Scottish Premier League club.

Pardew, who replaced Les Reed as manager of Charlton on Christmas Eve, did, however, add a note of caution after revealing his attempt to sign Pressley. Pardew earlier said: "There is a good chance he will be at Charlton. We are interested in bringing him here before the transfer window but I am never confident about signings until they are done. What I like about him is he is a leader. I think we have got some very good centre-halves here but he comes into a pack where we need characters and leadership and that is one thing that attracts me to him." Rangers, Southampton, Derby and Leeds have also been linked with Pressley, who is ineligible to play for any new employer before the opening of the transfer window in January. [Mof Gimmers]

Shunsuke Nakamura reveals his goal against Dundee United was copied from a YouTube video

It's not just bloated football bloggers who want to get back to their turkey sandwiches and mince pies that benefit from using YouTube videos. Celtic star Shunsuke Nakamura has revealed that his cheeky chip against Dundee United on Boxing Day was inspired by a video on the site.

The Japanese midfielder said: "The reason I tried to do what I did at the goal was because I saw someone else do exactly the same on the internet. I saw footage on YouTube of a player, I can't remember who it was, chip the goalkeeper from that position. I thought I would try to do the same if I got the chance because it was a goal I really liked. So I was happy I was able to do the same and score." [Via Daily Record]

And here is the goal (now on YouTube to inspire others, albeit with underwhelming commentary!):

[Rob Parker]

Gazza and the door-step challenge

During his time at Glasgow Rangers up in Bonnie Scotland, Paul Gascoigne, already known as 'troubled genius' by this point, was followed by a film crew. We all know that former Spuds and Newcastle player  Gazza (or G8) likes a joke, so see what happens when he took the film crew back to his new house...

Spurs to play behind closed doors and other UEFA Cup news

Tottenham have been drawn against Feyenoord in the last 32 of the Uefa Cup - a repeat of the 1974 final that the Dutch side won 4-2 on aggregate, but may not be able attend the away match. The Uefa Cup game could be held behind closed doors because of possible disciplinary action against the Dutch club.

Feyenoord have been handed a suspended two-match stadium ban after their fans rioted before a game against Nancy but Uefa has appealed against its independent disciplinary tribunal's decision. "The reasoning is that there have been so many previous incidents involving Feyenoord," said a Uefa spokesman. "We are asking the disciplinary commission to reconsider and a more severe penalty for example could be for the sentence not to be suspended."

Newcastle United are to come against Belgian side Zulte-Waregem while Blackburn Rovers must play  a tricky tie against Germany's Bayer Leverkusen. Glasgow Rangers will take on Israeli side Hapoel Tel-Aviv and holders Seville face a tough game against Steaua Bucharest, who finished third in their Champions League group.

Teams also found out their potential opponents in the last 16. Should they win their respective matches, Spurs will play Braga or Parma while Newcastle will come up against Fenerbahce or AZ Alkmaar. Blackburn could meet Lens or Panathinaikos while Bordeaux or Osasuna will await Rangers.

Draw for the last 32:
Zulte Waregem v Newcastle
Braga v Parma
Lens v Panathinaikos
Leverkusen v Blackburn Hapoel
Tel Aviv v Rangers
Livorno v Espanyol
Feyenoord v Tottenham
Fenerbahce v AZ Alkmaar
Werder Bremen v Ajax
Spartak Moscow v Celta Vigo
CSKA Moscow v Maccabi Haifa
AEK Athens v PSG
Benfica v Dinamo Bucharest
Steaua Bucharest v Sevilla
Shakhtar v Nancy
Bordeaux v Osasuna
(Ties to be played 14/15 & 22 February)

Draw for the last 16:
Zulte Waregem or Newcastle v Fenerbahce or AZ Alkmaar
CSKA Moscow or Maccabi Haifa v Livorno or Espanyol
Hapoel Tel Aviv or Rangers v Bordeaux or Osasuna
Braga or Parma v Feyenoord or Tottenham
Steaua Bucharest or Sevilla v Shakhtar or Nancy
Lens or Panathinaikos v Leverkusen or Blackburn
AEK Athens or PSG v Benfica or Dinamo Bucharest
Spartak Moscow or Celta Vigo v Werder Bremen or Ajax
(Ties to be played on 8 & 14/15 March)
[Mof Gimmers]

Classic Moments: Gordon Strachan's goal celebration, Celtic v Hearts

Celtic score a winner against Hearts in injury time, although from Gordon Strachan's brilliantly childish reaction, you'd think it was a playground kickabout… [More Scottish football on Pies]

Saints go after Pressley

Heart of Midlothian is without doubt, the most bonkers club in Europe at the minute. With the insane ramblings of chairman Vladimir Romanov (click here and here for examples), they've managed to retain the mental one, and lose one of their best players, club captain Stephen Pressley.

So just how good is Pressley? Is he worth a punt from a Premiership manager? Well, the most interest is coming from Scotland and The Championship. Southampton gaffer, and former Hearts boss, George Burley has added his name to the list of those interested in Pressley. Pressley, now 33 (or should that say an experienced defender?), is wanted by a clutch of clubs following his very public departure from Tynecastle. Burley told BBC Sport: "I'm aware of Steven Pressley's situation and I'm monitoring it. But I would have to wait and see if we could do anything in the January transfer window."

Despite leaving Hearts at the weekend, Pressley isn't eligible to sign for another club until the January transfer window. Pressley's last game for Hearts was in November in the goalless draw at Inverness Caledonian Thistle. The Scotland international joined Hearts in 1998 but recently fell out of favour after voicing concern about the way the club was being run by mentalist majority shareholder Vladimir Romanov.

Rangers are believed to head the queue for the services of Pressley, who has been capped 27 times by Scotland and began his career at Ibrox. Celtic manager Gordon Strachan has also expressed interest and has not ruled out an approach, while Dundee United, Dunfermline, Leeds and Cardiff have also been linked with the centre-half.

In the Premiership, promoted sides Sheffield United, Reading and Watford are among the clubs said to be keen, but it looks as if Pressley would be interested in joining up with his former boss at Hearts. Burley has a record of attracting players who previously played under him (not in that way you mucky sods) and it seems that Pressley could want out of Scotland to avoid a reminder of his time in Edinburgh. Can't really blame him can you? As an outside bet, it would be worth sticking a couple of quid on his appearance in a Bolton Wanderers shirt. [Mof Gimmers]

Celtic want to play with the big boys

It would seem that Celtic want to be a proper club and start playing with the big boys now that they're in the nosebleed territory of the Champion's League. It seems that they're for getting out of Scotland's crappy league (contrary to what Gordon Strachan thinks mind you) Celtic's chief executive Peter Lawwell insists that they are well positioned for any new developments in European football. "There are maybe five or six clubs with global recognition and we are one of them," he said. "We are a club in a small region with a massive reach with the Irish-Scots diaspora around the world. If there is some sort of environmental change, with an extension of the Champions League, people around the world will know about Celtic." Lawwell was speaking at the Soccerex conference in Dubai and believes Celtic must set their sights beyond Scotland.

Lawwell stated: "I think looking forward we're going to need some form of reconstruction of the game in Europe to compete with the NBAs and so on, maybe a super league at some point," he added. "But we are not instigating anything, we are sitting back and observing. We want to take the Celtic story around the world," said Lawwell. "The problem is we're playing in a fairly unattractive league in comparison to Europe's major championships week in, week out. What we want to do is compete at the highest level because the size of the club and the history of the club demand that. I would like to be involved in any restructuring that would do that, but the fact of the matter is that in a Scottish nation of five million people the media values are so low. That's a fact and I don't see how that's going to change. So we need to be a part of any restructuring that may take place in the future. The challenge is how do you grow and how do you compete with the Manchester Uniteds, Barcelonas, Real Madrids and Inter Milans?"

I personally didn't realise that there were plurals of the mentioned teams, but no matter; it would seem to me that Celtic are getting a bit too big for their boots and wishing away from the country that has supported them all these years. The Bhoys chief has conceded that there is no chance of Celtic moving to England's Premiership, and that Celtic have no voice at the G14 table (the group that represents the interests of Europe's elite clubs). Lawwell added that the club's recent signing policy has been conducted with market growth in mind. He said: "We've got (Shunsuke) Nakamura from Japan, we have brought in two Polish players - Maciej Zurawski and Artur Boruc - and last year we brought Roy Keane to Celtic in order to squeeze growth out of the market in Ireland." Does that sound cold to anyone else? Of course, football is a business, but put in such a cold light, it would seem that Celtic are intent on becoming the Scot equivalent of Chelsea, which in my view, is very sad indeed. [Mof Gimmers]

Shunsuke Nakamura's stunning free-kick, Celtic v Man Utd

Okay, whether or not Celtic deserved the free-kick in the first place is arguable (doubt it would have been given in the Premiership) but there's no arguing with the quality of Nakamura's strike – no goalkeeper in the world would have saved it.

Highlights from Celtic's 1-0 victory over Manchester United

Kit Parade: Celtic

Celtic have thus far avoided our Kit Parade net, but tonight's Battle of Britain (© 1729 The Red Tops) with Manchester United seems like a good opportunity to have a look at the Bhoys' outfit. And here it is. The green and white hoops should not come as a great surpise, although the green is a little easier on the eye than some previous efforts. If you're feeling a little more exotic, you could always go for the International away kit. Both shirts are available from Celtic's Kitbag store by clicking here.

[Rob Parker]

Hearts fans stage protest

Hearts fans are understandably angry at the situation surrounding their club. On Saturday, they staged a protest aimed at daft-as-a-brush owner, Vladimir Romanov after the 1-0 defeat to Rangers. The Jambos chairman remained at his Lithuanian base instead of making the trip to Edinburgh for their loss, probably cowering under a (very pricey) desk or something. A crowd of around 200 people gathered outside Tynecastle afterwards to protest against the running of the club, chanting, "Sack the board" and "Romanov must go".

The Gorgie boys are (understandably) furious that talisman Steven Pressley was left on the bench for a game which could prove vital in the race for second spot in the table. The Hearts fans spent most of the 90 minutes singing his name. So, when does a chairman stop acting proudly, and start listening to the people who pay the players wages?

Pressley missed their last game amid reports of a plot to oust him as captain and a question mark  still hangs over his future at Tynecastle today. This latest crisis comes just weeks after Pressley - flanked by Paul Hartley and Craig Gordon - revealed "significant unrest" at the Edinburgh outfit. Romanov, desperate to appear in control of the situation dropped Pressley, which has seen results on the park beginning to suffer, and the loss against Rangers sees them drop to a disappointing fifth in the table.

"The fans were unhappy even before this game," said the Jambos sports director Alex Kozlovski. "You always respect the opinion of the fans because the fans are the basis of any club. I think when Mr Romanov comes to Britain, he will answer any questions."

It's nothing short of staggering to see one man virtually ruin a club overnight. Of course, he has backed them financially, but the swinging doors that have seen five managers come and go in quick succession surely must make the alarm bells ring? When your arguably best players call for an end to the 'unrest', then you should stop and listen. Without your players, you can't win matches, and with the fans well and truly offside, the players will not getting the backing they need to succeed. All chairmen go through spells of being hugely unpopular, but if Romanov continues, he'll surely run the club into the ground with a mixture of unsettled players and angry fans. Look at Aston Villa's fortunes. From being a nothing side with average managers, to a flourishing side with happy fans. Romanov will be turning his asset into something quite the opposite.

Meanwhile, whilst all this goes on, Pressley, Heart mercurial captain, will be edged closer to the door, and inevitably end up at one of Heart's rival clubs in Glasgow. It seems that there is commercial suicide going on in Edinburgh, and for now, the poor fans have no choice but to protest, and ultimately, vote with their feet. [Mof Gimmers]

Bond villains come and go at Hearts

Lots of activity up at Hearts today. It breaks down like this: Eugenijus Riabovas will take over from Eduard Malofeev (pictured) as temporary head coach. With Valdas Ivanauskas granted sick leave, Malofeev took over the reins but he is now leaving to take his Uefa pro coaching licence. Hmm, sounds like a convention of cat-stroking Bond villains.

Riabovas recently managed FBK Kaunas to the Lithuanian title. He will be the seventh man in charge during owner Vladimir Romanov's turbulent 21-month reign. I've a feeling he won't be the last…

Celtic lose Benfica match over coin toss

The last time Celtic travelled to Portugal to take on Benfica in the European Cup, the game was decided in the strangest a manners. Celtic took an impressive 3-0 victory with them, but a Eusebio inspired side saw Benfica win the return fixture by the same score. With penalty shoot outs not on the agenda, the Glasgow Celtic players went home losers by calling the wrong toss. Let's look back at that strange and dramatic day, and know full well that tomorrow's game won't be half as dramatic (or will it?)

[Mof Gimmers]

CLICK HERE to read an interview with Billy McNeill who played in the game.

Genk want punishment for Hearts

Hearts of Midlothian are fast becoming the oddest football team on the planet. With Chairman Romanov spouting off barking nonesense like "You (the press) remind me of those Bolsheviks in Soviet times who wanted to shoot a peasant only because he planted the seeds following his own way..." they are now involved in one of the most bizarre transfer spats in history...

...and it's all over a player called Mirsad Beslija.

Mirsad Beslija once played for Racing Genk. Now he plays for Hearts. Well, Genk want Hearts to be banned from from the transfer market and from the Champions League because... well... they haven't payed for Beslija.

The Belgian outfit reckon that they're still due 80% of the £835,000 fee agreed when the Bosnian winger joined the Edinburgh club in January. Genk director Erik Gerets claims the Scots club told him that middlemen completed the transfer without their permission and now want to renegotiate. However, the Belgians are determined to secure the full transfer fee and Gerets wants Fifa to ban Hearts from strengthening their squad when the January transfer window opens unless they are paid up in full.

When asked what action he would like to see taken against Hearts, Gerets told the Daily Express: "The usual stuff. You are not allowed to do international transfers and not allowed to take part in the Champions League. That's normal in the rules of Fifa and Uefa and we hope they put pressure on this team to follow the rules. In Belgium, you need a license to play in the Belgian competitions and a European license for European events. To get these licenses, you cannot have debts to other teams."

Gerets continued "We now have a lawyer on the case and he tells us we should get the money, but Hearts are doing everything they can not to pay the agreed amount. What we are hearing from Hearts is that the player isn't worth the money and that the people who completed the transfer didn't have permission to do it. They are also asking us to make another agreement that would let them pay less and finish it, but that's not the way we act. They have to pay what was agreed."

So basically, am I right in assuming that Hearts bought a player and now think he's rubbish, and so, don't really want to pay the original amount agreed with Genk? If so, that's hilarious! Just think about all those teams asking for their money back. Boro will be doing Bolton for fraud over the transfer of Michael Ricketts and you can only imagine what Man City will do about the Corradi signing...

[Mof Gimmers]

Shaun Maloney to warm the bench at Stamford Bridge?

Celtic's Shaun Maloney is being linked with a move to Chelsea after the Blues' sporting director Frank Arnesen was spotted at Parkhead for the Champions League win over Benfica. Reports in some Scottish papers suggested Jose Mourinho wants to make a move for the 23-year-old in January when he will be allowed to sign a pre-contract agreement before becoming a free agent in the summer.

However, less Glasgow-centric sports reporters claim that Benfica's Simao Sabrosa was the intended target. Maloney is a decent player who I believe could make a move to the Premier League, but Chelsea is probably the worst possible destination for his career. His former Celtic manager Martin O'Neill is apparently also in the hunt for his signature. Do you rate him, Pies fans?

[Rob Parker]

Hearts fans give their mate's car a makeover

A group of Hearts fans gave the car of their Hibs-supporting mate a full paint job while he was attending the Edinburgh derby on Sunday. The Ford Fiesta was given a maroon makeover as owner Lee Easton watched his beloved Hibs.

The car had been a birthday present from Lee's father. The blue car was painted in Hearts colours from the roof to the tyres and the Jambos' badge was also painted on. Lee said: "I wouldn't be seen in it, but if any Hearts fans wanted to buy it from me I'd take their money. Romanov can have it for a grand."

[Via Scotsman]

[Rob Parker]

A moment for Scotland fans to savour: Gary Caldwell's winning goal against France

There wasn't too much for British national teams to cheer about this weekend, but this goal got an almighty cheer. Rejuvenated Scotland beat France 1-0 thanks to this Gary Caldwell goal, provided - for your viewing pleasure - with French commentary. 

[Rob Parker]

Romanov goes oddball again.

Vladimir Romanov (who I referred to as 'Mad as a box of frogs') has gone off on a mental one again. His target? Why, it's his old pals; The Scottish Press. He's said of the Scots press "You remind me of those Bolsheviks in Soviet times who wanted to shoot a peasant" and now turned his attention to The Old Firm, spitting, monkeys and tea parties. Read on for his mentalist musings.

The Lithuanian crackpot has been ultra critical of the press since he took charge at Hearts of Modlothian, claiming an unfair bias in favour of the Old Firm. Romanov has banned the Scottish Sun from Tynecastle after they printed a picture of Rudi Skacel allegedly spitting at Celtic captain Neil Lennon last season... and his rage went ten fold when he was blamed by sections of the media for the shock home defeat to St Mirren in September.

Now, Romanov has released a bizarre statement to the Scottish Sun via the club's official website, in which he describes Sun journalists as 'monkeys'. It reads "I'm very glad that you finally got down from the trees and found a worthy place for yourself - a safari park. It shows you have both the habits and instincts of monkeys. I'll visit the director of the safari park and ask for a personal cage for each of you. One thing is very important. First you have to pass the quarantine rules and the vet will vaccinate you against rabies. So you are not allowed to join the monkeys yet. You should notice how peaceful they are. You may affect them badly and they'll become furious. They'll start biting and drawing cartoons. I think it should be very comfortable for you to write your so-called 'reports' from your cage. It will feel like your natural habitat. Besides, the fans will be quite safe and aware from now onwards who you really are. I will bring your favourite Celtic scarves right inside the cage for you to wear. And if you behave like our monkeys Chippy, Rosie, Blossom and Pansy, I'll give each of you a banana as a reward. Also I can organise a party - like the one we had in Kaunas on the eve of the Lithuania v Scotland match - in the safari park, especially for you. There you will be able to take funny photographs of yourselves as a momento of your lucky escape from rabies."

Anyone?

[Mof Gimmers]

Gordon Brown convinces Marvin Andrews to re-join Raith Rovers

Chancellor Gordon Brown has helped convince Trinidad and Tobago defender Marvin Andrews to rejoin former club Raith Rovers. The chancellor - a Raith supporter - met Andrews to discuss the move. Andrews was eager to point out that his decision was based on the persuasion of someone with a bit more power than Gordon Brown (not Tony Blair!).

Gordon Brown convinces Marvin Andrews to re-join Raith Rovers continued

"I'm delighted to be back at Starks Park but I'm not here because of what Gordon Brown said - I'm here because of what God said," he said. It is thought the deal hinged on Raith's proximity to the Zion Praise Centre, where the religious Andrews worships, and the formation of the Marvin Andrews Youth Development Trust.

Andrews, aged 30, had been without a club since being released by Rangers in August and is rumoured to have turned down a move to Reading.

[Rob Parker]

Newcastle drawn in Uefa Cup Group of Death

The draw for the group stages of this season's Uefa Cup has just been made, and the remaining British clubs all face tricky assignments. Newcastle Utd have been drawn in the toughest group, Group H, along with Palermo (who demolished West Ham), Celta Vigo (solid Spanish team), Fenerbahce (always a tough place to visit) and Eintracht Frankfurt. I've seen easier Champions League groups. Glenn Roeder's side will struggle to make it to the next round.

For the rest of the news from the draw, click below…

Newcastle drawn in Uefa Cup Group of Death continued…

Spurs are also in a difficult group (see below), but they're good enough to make it through, I think:
GROUP B
Tottenham Hotspur, Bayer Leverkusen, Club Brugge, Besiktas, Dinamo Bucharest

Rangers will be quietly much happier with their draw than that of their English counterparts. They can definitely come through this group:
GROUP A
Rangers, Auxerre, Partisan Belgrade, Livorno, Maccabi Haifa

Blackburn Rovers have perhaps the best chance of qualifying for the next stage. Their group is one of the weakest:
GROUP E
Blackburn, Nancy, Feyenoord, Basle, Wisla Krackow

The remaining groups look like this:

GROUP C
Sevilla, AZ Alkmaar, Slovan Liberec, Grasshopper, Braga

GROUP D
Parma, Lens, Heerenveen, Osasuna, Odense

GROUP F
Ajax, Sparta Prague, Espanyol, Austria Wien, Zulte Waregem

GROUP G
Panathinaikos, Paris St Germain, Rapid Bucharest, Hapoel Tel Aviv, Mlada Boleslav

Hearts Chairman - mad as a box of frogs

Vladimir Romanov, owner of Hearts of Midlothian, can't seem to keep his managers (unless they're a bit daft). Since taking over the Edinburgh club in 2005, Romanov has been accused of involving himself in first-team matters. The short stays of George Burley and Graham Rix only fuelled further speculation that Romanov was behind signings and team selections. Well, the completely barking Romanov has gone off on a rant...

"I want to dedicate Hearts' victories to those journalists who, because of their hate towards us, only notice our defeats and say it is fair criticism when in fact it is simply hysteria with only one aim - to dismantle the club. Despite your hysteria I do not only give my approval to every team selection, but also to the plan of the training process. I do, as well, participate in the selection of new players. Having said this, I am expecting more outbursts of hysteria. They give me confidence that I am on the right way."

That's the team selection bit cleared up. Anything else to add Mr Romanov? Well, he wasn't quite done with the Scottish press...

"You remind me of those Bolsheviks in Soviet times who wanted to shoot a peasant only because he planted the seeds following his own way, and not their instructions. Once they were ready to shoot a peasant but a clever one stopped them and said: 'Let's shoot him in the autumn after he has gathered his harvest'. I guess that if you could, I would have already been shot by now, but whilst you can't, full of hate and anger, you are spreading manure on my crops. Last season Hearts proved everything that was possible to prove. You will have to fight with our shadow for quite a long time."

What the f... who says there are no characters in football now?

[Mof Gimmers]

5 Football in mouth moments

Rangers defender Marvin Andrews has been busy burning his bridges with the Glasgow gay community this week, so it seemed as good a time as any to look at some occasions when footballers and managers should have just shut their mouths and got on with the football.

5 Football in mouth moments

5 Marvin Andrews
"There is a demon in their spirits, their spirits are ill. But God can help them through his church and anyone who doubts this can check the bible."
The Rangers defender offers his thoughts gays while offering to 'cure' a lesbian Scottish politician.

4 Paolo di Canio
"I am a fascist, not a racist."
Oh, that's fine then. Short and sweet from di Canio.

3 Otto Baric
"I hate the gays. There is no place for a gay in my team, and I could easily spot one if he tried to get in."
The former Croatia boss has fine-tuned his gaydar.

2 Glenn Hoddle
"You and I have been physically given two hands and two legs and half-decent brains. Some people have not been born like that for a reason. The karma is working from another lifetime. I have nothing to hide about that. It is not only people with disabilities. What you sow, you have to reap."
Glenn pleads to be sacked from the England job.

1 Ron Atkinson
"He [Desailly] is what is known in some schools as a f***ing lazy thick n*****."
Erm, the mic's still on Ron.

[Rob Parker]

Strachan and Ferguson go head-to-head

Once colleagues at Aberdeen and ManYoo, Alex Ferguson and Gordon Strachan are to go head-to-head in what promises to be an entertaining encounter... and I'm not talking about on the pitch.

Of course, the Celtic/Man United game tomorrow is set to be dubbed 'The Battle of Britain', but right now, I'm more interested in the battle of wit... who wins that one? Here are some classic quotes from both managers.

Strachan - "I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado."

Ferguson - "The lads ran their socks into the ground..."

...Strachan takes the lead...

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Ferguson - "My greatest challenge was knocking Liverpool right off their fucking perch...and you can print that."

...Ferguson equalises...

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there...

Ferguson - "It's getting tickly now - squeaky-bum time..."

...Strachan takes the lead again...

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump of a bridge...

Ferguson - "I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Football. Bloody hell."

...and that caps off a resounding victory for Strachan...

Missed any out? Submit your own faves to us.

[Mof Gimmers]

They don't make 'em like Thomas Gravesen anymore

Tommy Gravesen is madder than a handlebar moustache made out of marmalade, as this video demonstrates. No wonder Celtic boss Gordon Strachan (also quite bonkers) signed him.

Uefa Cup draw: Spurs and Hearts both face trips to Prague

The Uefa Cup - does anyone care these days? Yes, if you're team's in with a chance of winning it. So for fans of Spurs, Newcastle, Blackburn, West Ham, Hearts, Rangers and Derry, here's how the first-round draw looks (ties played on 14/28 Sept):

Levadia Tallinn (Estonia) v Newcastle Utd
Molde FK (Norway) v Rangers
Derry City v Paris St Germain (France)
Sparta Prague (Czech Rep.) v Hearts
FC Salzburg (Austria) v Blackburn Rovers
West Ham Utd v Palermo (Italy)
Slavia Prague (Czech Rep.) v Tottenham Hotspur

All the Premiership teams should make it through to the group stage (although Spurs and West Ham face decent opposition), and I'd be surprised if Rangers didn't qualify. Hearts have a tough, but eminently winnable tie against Sparta Prague, while Derry will have to play out of their skin to come through against PSG. For more news on European football, check out sister site Who Ate All the Bratwurst.

Hearts 2 : 1 Celtic, highlights

Watch out for little Gordon Strachan, giving lie to the stereotype that all short, ginger men are feisty…

Summer transfer madness!

A quick round-up of some of the latest transfer news:

Aston Villa SV Hamburg want to sign Milan Baros (pictured). No accounting for taste.
Blackburn Signed Jason Roberts from Wigan on four-year deal.
Bolton Hidetoshi Nakata retires from football at 29.
Celtic Still waiting to hear if Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink will sign for them.
Liverpool Fernando Morientes signs three-year contract for Valencia
Man Utd Giuseppe Rossi signs contract extension, will stay at Old Trafford until 2010.
Sheffield Utd Utility player Mikele Leigertwood joins from Crystal Palace.
Watford Signed Charlton veteran Chris Powell on a free.