Who Ate All The Pies

Steven Gerrard learns that he won't have to play alongside Frank Lampard tonight…

Frank Lampard out of Andorra game with broken wrist. Be still our beating heart

Disaster strikes! Frank Lampard is out of the Andorra game after breaking his wrist during a training session - the country owes a debt of gratitude to Wayne Rooney, whose shot struck Lamps.

What we need now is for Gerrard and Hargreaves to play a blinder in central midfield and for Steve McClaren to wake up to the fact that Gerrard and Lampard will never play well together, ever. Oh, that's cheered me up no end.

PS Still getting to grips with our new publishing platform, so apologies for the lack of posts today. Will be back to normal tomorrow, we promise.

Benjani brawls with Peter Ndlovu

It's a fight to strike fear into the heart of the most accomplished of boxing MCs: Benjani Mwaruwari v Peter Ndlovu. The two Zimbabwe internationals scrapped it out at their team hotel after rowing over an ex-girlfriend. Portsmouth striker Benjani and former Coventry City player Ndlovu smashed windows and tables at Harare's Crest Lodge Hotel. Benjani - already eyeing up his next fight (with the missus) - said: "I don't fight about girlfriends. I have a lot of them, and I am married." [Via Mirror, Rob Parker]

Shit England manager week: Steve McClaren vs Garth Crooks

Crooks tries to break Steve 'Dead Man Walking' McClaren's spirit but the Mac's got his game face on – you know, the one where he looks like a National Express driver emerging from his coach's toilet after a Glasgow-to-London long-haul journey.

Tremendously topical YouTube video: Ruud van Nistelrooy's goal celebration, Holland vs Andorra

A random YouTube search for 'Andorra' threw up some Eurovision Song Contest bollocks and this memorable goal celebration by RVN. Having been taunted by Andorra's players for missing a penalty, Ruud gets his own back in his own special (ie. childish) way.

Classic Moment: England 4-2 Croatia, Euro 2004

Remember when Wayne Rooney used to score goals for England? Vaguely? Well, his last two competitive goals for England were this pair he scored against Croatia at Euro 2004. Check out some excitable commentary from John Motson, including the prophetic: "Is there nothing this boy can do!"

[Rob Parker]

Is the England camp falling apart?

England can't score. We've got a rubbish manager who can't help to stop negative play and it's all infuriatingly boring. For any Englishman, this isn't exactly news, but what is worrying about the current set-up is the lack of drive, willingness to perform and a dressing room that looks about as harmonious as George Best's relationship with his liver. Is England's rot caused by a broken spirit?

Reports have filtered through the press claiming that Wayne Rooney has reacted angrily at being singled out for criticism following the Euro 2008 qualifying draw in Israel. England gaffer McClaren said: "It's ridiculous. We couldn't believe it inside the camp. It is an absolute load of rubbish. Everyone is together and know what we need to do." Everyone's together? Does that statement alone not leave the alarm bells ringing?

Managers and coaches usually claim harmony during turbulent times in the dressing room. Whilst saying 'nothing to see here...' McClaren has had to dismiss speculation that his relationship with his assistant Terry Venables had become strained. The England boss said "An absolute load of rubbish once again. It's an overreaction and about people having other agendas. The camp is very strong and there is great belief. My staff are all very good and working together. We stick together, we get advice from everybody including Terry - great advice. But, ultimately, I'm in charge and it's my neck on the block."

After a series of dire results and a lack of potency up front, McClaren laughed off any talk of him stepping down from the England job. "My desire is greater than ever. We know what direction we have to go and we know we need to produce and perform. We understand the fans' reaction and everyone else's but we feel it was over the top." I can understand that McClaren has to try and ease the unrest felt by the fans, but surely he can see that England face an incredible task to reach the European Championships? It is looking like we will have to win all of our remaining games, which include two tricky ties against Guus Hiddink's Russian outfit who, at the minute, look like they could paste England at the moment.

With all this unrest, England's future looks a bit bleak. However, adversity has suited England sides in the past, so maybe we can grind out the results and look hopefully towards the finals. The worst aspect of this whole situation is just how every England fan's worst fears have come true with the style of McClaren. We all feared that he'd taken up the dull football of Sven, albeit with even less tactical guile. Looks like we've all been proven right... and now it's time for Macca to prove us all wrong. [Mof Gimmers]

10 reasons why Ian Holloway should be appointed England manager

1 He is not Steve McClaren.
2 Even after a dull 0-0 bore draw with Israel, Ollie would still entertain us with his post-match interview. Whereas McClaren...
3 Ian Holloway could motivate a stone (although whether this is a big a feat as motivating a bunch of overpaid egotists is up for debate!)
4 Ollie is happily married and a true family man. He is therefore unlikely to throw up any embarrassing Sven-style scandals.
5 He would have the balls to substitute Frank Lampard.

10 reasons why Ian Holloway should be appointed England manager continued

6 He's not afraid to stick it to FIFA.
7 He wouldn't be scared of picking David Beckham.
8 The last time England had a half-decent manager it was Mike Bassett and he came from a Championship side.
9 Imagine what he would if he won the World Cup...
10 He's an all-round legend and we love him very much!

What do you reckon? Holloway for England?

[Rob Parker]

Israel v England, the real player ratings

Paul Robinson Robbo (pictured, left) failed miserably to score the goals for which he was brought into the side. And he wore gloves when it wasn't even cold. 1/10
Phil Neville His lopsided face only served to upset the balance in the team. Surely Gary/Phil's sister Tracey would be a better bet? One point for at least trying to sing the National Anthem (unlike comrade Gary, who never does). 1/10
Rio Ferdinand Tried gamely to merk Israel's defence with pinpoint passes. Failed gamely too. Solid at the back, in the face of Israel's relentless 'stay in our own half' attack. 2.5/10
John Terry Our Captain Marvel didn't put a foot wrong, or right for that matter. Time to ditch the Foxton's-estate agent haircut though. 1/10
Jamie Carragher The Best Centre-Half in the World (Scouse trademark) was unfairly played out of position, so he gets a full 10/10

Owen Hargreaves Looks like one of Jossy's Giants but plays like a young Carlton Palmer. A truly world-class water carrier. 2/10
Steven Gerrard Wore his heart on his sleeve - messy. No player misplaces passes with such enthusiasm and verve. 9/10
Frank Lampard Stevie Mac needs to build his team around the World's Second Best Player. That way, we'll get rid of the manager in no time. -2/10
Aaron Lennon This tiny man confuses the opposition and his team-mates in equal measure. Fast feet, not-so-fast brain. Shows promise though. 6/10
Wayne Rooney Exposed as the Sergei Rebrov to Cristiano Ronaldo's Andrei Shevchenko. 3/10
Andy Johnson 'Worked the channels tirelessly', when he should have been 'scoring goals tirelessly'. 2/10

Landon 'Landycakes' Donovan, scores a hat-trick (USA vs Ecuador friendly)

So whilst England failed abjectly to trouble the scorers against plucky Israel (and respect to the home side's stalwart defenders), the good 'ole US of America stood as one to applaud this hat-trick, scored by Landycakes for the national team against Ecuador. Watch out for his third goal - it's a cracker:

Belgium fail to put Cristiano Ronaldo on a stretcher (oh, and he scored against them... twice!)

Cristiano Ronaldo rammed Belgium goalkeeper Stijn Stijnen's threats of violence down his throat as he helped Portugal to a 4-0 victory on Saturday. And he scored two goals against the man who warned he would be leaving the pitch on a stretcher for good measure! Just like England, Portugal made the necessary adjustments after a goalless first-half to run in four second half goals. Pah!

Anyway, the highlights are below and they are worth watching for Ricardo Quaresma's stunning effort with the outside of his right foot for Portugal's third.

[Rob Parker]

Highlights from the England and Israel match

[Mof Gimmers]

David Beckham's Photoshop School: Israel 0-0 England

THE VOTE The Steve McClaren Israel Situation

How did England get themselves into yet another 'We've got a rubbish manager who we don't want' scenario? Anyway, no use moaning. Pies would like to suggest these two scenarios:

a) We scrape a result against Israel and then end up sneaking into Euro 2008, where we fail to get past the quarter finals because Stevie Mac is clueless.

b) Israel stuff us, and the FA is forced to sack McClaren and hire a decent manager - the catch being that we don't then qualify for Euro 08 because of the position McClaren has left us in. The upside is that we at least have a good manager to build for the next World Cup.

Not sure if I'd go for a) or b). The first choice seems the most likely scenario to actually happen, but that depresses the hell out of me, because it's so familiar to all England fans. I've read opinion from lots of England fans who actually want us to lose to Israel and so enforce scenario b), but no doubt the FA would cock things up again. All views welcome…

PS. Yes, I am shit at Photoshop.

Haiku Corner: Steven Gerrard's MBE

Welcome back to the tranquil haven that is Haiku Corner. Take off your shoes and let us sit a while, to contemplate the more spiritual side of the beautiful game. This week, our Zen-like focus is on Steven Gerrard, the bestest midfielder in the whole wide world ever, who collected his MBE medal on Wednesday.

God save Stevie G!
But please don't pass to Fat Frank
against Israel.

If you have any haiku of your own on this pressing matter, we'd love to read 'em…

Belgians threaten to put Cristiano Ronaldo on a stretcher

Cristiano Ronaldo will have to leave the pitch on a stretcher after two minutes of Portugal's Euro 2008 qualifier against Belgium on Saturday. That is the claim made by Belgian keeper and Ronaldo's fellow professional footballer (ie someone else who relies on people not putting them on stretchers to make a living) Stijn Stijnen.

The Club Brugge goalie said: "After two minutes we will have massacred him so much he will have to leave the pitch on a stretcher. What else do we need to do? Portugal have greater quality and that’s why we have to do things our way."

Belgians threaten to put Cristiano Ronaldo on a stretcher continued

He added: "We have to play with character and not spare our opponents’ tibias. I don’t think my words are shocking. We’re the visiting team." Sir Alex Ferguson reportedly disagrees and thinks the words are shocking. I'm inclined to agree.

Even if Stijnen does dislike Ronaldo enough to think it is acceptable to deliberately threaten his livelihood, surely he has seen this season that the Manchester United winger is at his best under this kind of adversity. A big own goal by the Belgian, I reckon. [Via The Sun, Rob Parker]

England's first training session at the new Wembley

The England squad trained at the new Wembley stadium for the first yesterday. Coach Steve McClaren led his players in a training session ahead of their Euro 2008 qualifiers against Israel and Andorra. According to The Mirror, the grass did not take very long to cut up with players regularly stamping divets back into the pitch. Groundsman Steve Welch was not too downhearted though. He said: "The pitch is in a much better position than I expected." [Rob Parker]

 

John Oster's guide to not getting an international call-up

1 Tell the manager you might not play for him even if he does select you
"To be honest, I'm not sure whether I want to play under John Toshack anyway after everything that's happened."

2 Slag off all your potential squad mates if you were to get called up
"It's frustrating when you see players in the Wales team who wouldn't get into our reserves side at Reading."

3 Prove you are not a Big Time Charlie
"The only consolation is that this has nothing to do with my footballing ability."

4 Make sure the manager knows you are settled at your club and concentrate on the day job
"My situation isn't ideal. If it remains the same then I will probably look to go elsewhere and get some football."

5 Call in some good character references
"Craig Bellamy phoned me up the other week asking me to speak to him (Toshack), but there's no way I'm going to." [Rob Parker, Via BBC]

David Beckham: 'England are too good not to qualify for Euro 2008' The rest of us: 'No, we're shit'

David Beckham said recently of Stevie Mac's England: 'They will be fine, they have got too many good players to not qualify [for Euro '08] … I've spent a lot of time playing and training with these players and they are some of the best players in the world.'

Everyone else said recently: 'Carragher and Phil Neville at full-back? A 21-year-old Championship striker in the squad. We're f**ed!'

Part of me hopes that we lose to Israel, on the condition that Steve McClaren, so obviously out of his depth, loses his job. And I have to laugh at anyone who really thinks England is somehow 'too good' not to qualify.

Classic Moment: John Barnes scores against Brazil in the Maracana, 1984

Isotonic John, no doubt fuelled to the tits on energy drinks, shows the Brazilians how to do it:

THE VOTE Is David Nugent ready for an England call-up?

Many of this morning's newspapers are reporting that Preston North End striker David Nugent is to be called up to the England squad to face Israel and Andorra later this month. The 21-year-old has been named in the under-21 squad to face Italy at Wembley, but he is expected to be promoted to the senior squad when Steve McClaren announces his squad tomorrow. Is the young forward ready to make the step up to international football, Pies fans?

Wembley tickets sell-out

The first competitive match to be held at the new Wembley sold-out within hours of the tickets going on sale. All 60,000 tickets for an under-21 match between England and Italy on 24 March were snapped up yesterday. The fixture will have the highest even attendance for an under 21 match.

If the restricted capacity match passes without too much bother, the stadium could be given the safety certificate required to host the FA Cup final at full 90,000 capacity. An FA spokesman said: "I think this shows just how much the whole of England is waiting with anticipation for all the games to be held at Wembley." [Via BBC, Rob Parker]

Can anyone tell us what the hell Ronaldo is doing?

Look at Ronaldo. What's he up to? Is he being a great ambassador for the Brazilian national team? It doesn't look like it does it? In fact, you could argue that he's being very crass indeed. Anyone care to explain what he's up to? [Mof Gimmers]

Thanks to Sammy for alerting me to the wrongness...

Wembley keys to be handed over on Friday?

Start rubbing your disbelieving eyeballs. There is some incredible news. Builders of Wembley Stadium, Multiplex, could hand over the keys to the new Wembley Stadium as early as Friday, according to BBC Sport.

BBC Sports News Correspondent James Pearce says building work is almost complete and the FA Cup final is almost certain to be at Wembley on 19 May. If the FA does not receive the keys to the £757m stadium on Friday, it should happen on Monday. The first of two test events needed to get a safety certificate will then be a community day for 60,000 on 17 March. The handover of the keys is more than a year late, having originally been scheduled for January 2006. The second test event will be an England Under 21 match a week after the community event, and unless there are unforeseen problems, a safety certificate will be awarded in time for the FA Cup final to take place. [Mof Gimmers]

Classic Moment: Wales 2, Italy 1 (Euro 2004 qualifier)

To celebrate St David's Day, here is a YouTube vid of one of the greatest moments in Welsh football history. Bellamy's second-half winner at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium gave Wales a famous victory against Italy in the Euro 2004 qualifying campaign; they still didn't qualify for the finals though. Doh.

Super Gol! c/o Martin Palermo

Do you want to know how to win a match with skill, guile and drama? Check out Martin Palermo's 94th minute winner for Boca Juniors versus Independiente. Now that's how you win a match!

Classic Moment: Jimmy Greaves tackles a dog at the 1962 World Cup

Greavsie hypnotises a lovable little dog, which then pisses on his shirt. Simple.

World Cup stars to manage Father Ted footy sides

Former Republic of Ireland strikers John Aldridge and Tony Cascarino have had their fair share of football honours. They've both competed at the highest level for club and country, starring in World Cups and FA Cup finals, but for the former hitmen, their biggest challenge is to come.

Cascarino and Aldridge are to vie for the honour of lifting the Craggy Cup! The pair have signed up to manage teams from rival islands this weekend in a one-off match to decide which of a pair of rocky outposts off the coast of County Galway is the real Craggy Island which is of course, the home of TV series Father Ted. The match will be part of the three-day Friends of Ted festival to be held this weekend on Inis Mor, the largest of the three remote Aran Islands. The event has been organised by a group of fans from Galway to commemorate the ninth anniversary of the death of Dermot Morgan who played Ted Crilly. However, the festivals location immediately proved controversial when it was announced last month to loud opposition from inhabitants of the neighbouring Inis Oirr.

The people of Inis Orr insisted that the shipwreck featured in the title sequence of the Channel 4 series was a historic landmark on their coastline. Hence, the five-a-side match being held to decide which of the two should hold the title of the "real" Craggy Island, home to Ted, Father Dougal and Father Jack, for the next 12 months.

It will be one of a number of events at the festival related to incidents from the show, including the Father Jack Cocktail Evening, the Cleaning Fluids Drinks Reception, the Lovely Girls Contest, a Charity Auction and A Song For Europe. The organisers describe it on their website as follows: "For the pilgrims there will be celebration and there will be drink (and tea). As Brethren we will break bread (and cake) together, play Ludo and Buckaroo; quiz each other, steal whistles and write Inis Mor's Song for Europe. We will consume Toilet Duck, laugh, cry and play five-a-side football. And when it is over we will return to our parishes somewhat lighter of pocket, but all the wealthier in heart."

Let's just hope that Aldo doesn't go off on a rant like he did at USA 94 eh?  [Mof Gimmers via TVScoop]

THE VOTE Should Steve McClaren recall David Beckham to the England squad?

What a crock of shit our national team is. If, heaven forbid, the England team was picked on merit, not reputation, we wouldn't be having this futile debate. We all know that England team selection has been a joke for years and that you'll struggle to pick up caps if you play for an unfashionable club – if Peter Crouch had stayed at Villa or Southampton, he wouldn't have got near the England squad, Then he moves to Liverpool – well he must be class if one of the Premiership's big four rate him – and, bang, he's in. If Beckham is playing better than his rivals, of course he should be picked.

Fabio Capello changed his mind over David Beckham, so why not Steve McClaren?

Glenn Hoddle showreel

It's hard to recall an English player that is as naturally gifted as Glenn Hoddle. He could do just about anything with a ball, and in the eighties, when this was a rarity, he was a delight to watch. Inside the 18-yard box he was lethal... and was twice as deadly from distance. His goal against Watford in this video is a far superior chip to that of a certain Mr Rooney. Bow down to the master.

England reduce friendlies

In what seems like a move in damage limitation, England have scaled down their schedule of friendly matches from 20 to 18 over the four-year period from 2008. Steve 'Malcolm' McClaren had made it clear that he was in favour of scrapping some in favour of longer training camps. "I want the flexibility to be able to control when we have friendlies. The key thing for me is getting more time with the players. If more time means get-togethers with no end result and we achieve something, yes, I would like that."

The FA has just issued a document and the 18 friendlies detailed within it will commence after Euro 2008. "We are all one organisation and priority has to be the success of the England team," said FA director of communications Adrian Bevington.

"Executives, including chief executive Brian Barwick have already started discussing with Steve and his coaching staff the issues that have been raised" noted Bevington, before making it clear that all friendly fixtures are discussed with the coach in advance. "Every international date we look at we clearly will discuss with Steve and his coaching staff to take into account what they are looking to achieve." He added further; "We have got fixtures that are almost in place for various dates at Wembley because that's part of the discussion and contracts that have been in the pipeline for some time. There are several dates that have been filed but certain ones that haven't."

McClaren suggested the recent friendly against Spain - which England lost 1-0 - had not been productive. "Maybe this one came at a bad time. We ended up using it as an experiment, because we didn't have seven or eight of our senior players," he added. "The Greece friendly in August was a good one - and we needed a reaction in Holland in November, so it was important to get our best players available on that occasion."

In the middle of all this, we've got some daunting European qualifiers coming up which McClaren has vowed to fight to get back to some decent form. The defeat to Spain last week stretched his winless run to four matches and heaped growing pressure on McClaren, who took charge last August. "I'm fighting hard," McClaren told BBC Five Live. "Not just for myself but for the whole team. "It's difficult under the weight of criticism but you have to take it. We are going to stick together and fight." [Mof Gimmers]

Italy topple Brazil in Fifa's international power rankings

Italy, the current world champions, have toppled Brazil at the top of the (useless) Fifa world rankings. It's the first time since 1993 that the Italians have claimed the top spot, with Brazil slipping to second after more than four years at number one. There is no other movement in the top eight with England staying in sixth (ha ha) behind Argentina, France and Germany. Scotland are up six places to 20th, the Republic of Ireland (46th) have jumped three places ahead of Northern Ireland (49th), with Wales ranked down at No. 75, below the likes of Burkina Faso and Guinea.

Click below to see the top 100 in full…

1  Italy
2 Brazil
3 Argentina
4 France
5 Germany
6 England
7 The Netherlands
8 Portugal
9 Czech Republic
10 Spain  

11 Ukraine
12 Croatia
13 Greece
14 Switzerland
15 Romania
16 Sweden
17 Cameroon
18 Denmark
19 Mexico
20 Scotland  

21 Côte d'Ivoire
22 Ghana
23 Poland
24 Uruguay
25 Ecuador
26 Turkey
27 Russia
28 USA
29 Serbia
30 Paraguay

31 Colombia
32 Iran
33 Slovakia
34 Chile
35 Mali
36 Nigeria
37 Bulgaria
38 Senegal
39 Australia  
40 Israel

41 Japan
42 Egypt
43 Morocco
44 Korea Republic
45 Tunisia
46 Republic of Ireland
47 Norway
48 Finland
49 Northern Ireland
50 Uzbekistan

51 Cuba
52 Belgium
53 FYR Macedonia
54 Costa Rica
55 Bosnia-Herzegovina
56 Jamaica
57 Burkina Faso
58 Angola
59 Honduras
60 South Africa  

61 Austria
62 Guinea
63 Saudi Arabia
64 Hungary
65 Zambia
66 Venezuela
67 Peru
68 Trinidad and Tobago
69 Togo
70 Belarus

71 Slovenia
72 Lithuania
73 Cyprus
74 Panama
75 Wales
76 Oman
77 Qatar
78 Cape Verde Islands
79 China PR
80 Algeria  

81 Iraq
82 Congo DR
83 Moldova
84 Kuwait
85 Jordan
86 Georgia
87 Canada
88 Albania
89 United Arab Emirates
90 Guatemala

91 Ethiopia
92 Haiti
93 Congo
94 Zimbabwe
95 Iceland
96 Latvia
97 Libya
98 Bahrain
99 Gabon
100 St. Vincent and the Grenadines

Steve 'Blockbuster' McClaren sends out DVDs to his England no-hopers

England boss Steve McClaren has sent out DVDs to all of his team to point out where they went wrong during last week's defeat to Spain. McClaren and assistant Steve Round have compiled individual DVDs for each player showing how they were partly accountable for the result.

He said: "We always give them feedback - positive, negative, whatever we feel. We analyse the game and make sure the players and myself all learn. Steve Round is very good on the IT side and the stats side. Each of the players has been delivered an individual DVD of their performance and individual stats.'' Sounds fair enough to me. They made us through watch it, so why should they get away without being put through it?! [Rob Parker]

Chelsea plan a holiday to China to make up for the bad pitch, broken jaws etc

Chelsea have announced they are to tour China next summer. The trip is seen as an opportunity to increase the Blues' Asian fanbase and attract young Chinese talent to Stamford Bridge. The tour is the latest stage in the Premiership champions' partnership with the Chinese FA.

The Blues have been hosting China's Olympic squad at their Cobham training ground for the past two weeks, but the visitors have moaned about the pitch and got into a brawl with QPR during that time. Business affairs director Paul Smith (pictured with Jose Mourinho) said with pound signs on his eyeballs: "We will take our first team and play games on the mainland. We see this as a long-term project." [Rob Parker]

HEAD TO HEAD Steve Staunton vs Steve McClaren

Hmm, this is a tricky one. After all, they're both gingers and both called Steve. Oh, and they're both rubbish managers. Most Irish fans seem to think that Staunton is a total eejut, while I've yet to meet an England supporter who rates McClaren in any way.

Staunton was certainly the better player, while McClaren's managerial CV is way more impressive than Stan's. One thing is certain: neither Ireland nor England will win anything with these two goons at the helm. If I absolutely had to choose one over the other, with a gun at my head, I'd pick McClaren. At least he talks a good game, even if his players evidently can't play one. Staunton can't even talk a good game.

Beckham's star power already evident – 800 hopefuls turn up for LA Galaxy trials

This weekend, some 800 young footballers turned up on for trials with the LA Galaxy. The players came from all around the globe, all of them desperate for a chance to play on the same team as David Beckham.

Alexi Lalas, the Galaxy's general manager, had mixed views about the large turnout: 'It's pretty much what we expected in terms of the level of play and the individual ability,' he said. 'There are a couple of potential players out there. What's a little disappointing to me, but not unexpected, is that you can be a bad soccer player, OK, and you might not be the fastest or you might not be the most skilled, but don't show up here and be out of shape.'

Lalas continued: 'I mean, some of the beer guts that we see and guys who after 10 minutes are huffing and puffing, that's embarrassing to the Galaxy, it's embarrassing to the game and ultimately it's embarrassing to them. So we weed those folks out pretty quickly and concentrate on the ones that have shown up here with a respect for what it takes to get to this level.' [Via Guardian Unlimited]

Can we hold a World Cup please? Yours, England

Now, this is sneaky. The government have spotted that our beloved English national side is so lacklustre that the only chance we'll have of qualifying in the future is if we get through automatically as hosts.

The English FA has yet to announce that it is going to bid for hosting the 2018 World Cup. That's not too worrying as they're not allowed to do it until 2010. However, this hasn't stopped Tessa Jowell (our culture secretary) joining up with Gordon Brown to say "YES! YES! WE WANT IT! PLEASE! GO ON!" She actually said was: "The FA will, in due course, make their decision," she said. "What Gordon and I are showing today is that a World Cup bid would have unqualified government support. That was such an important part in winning an Olympic bid. None of these big sporting events can be won or staged without wholehearted government support. Very much ahead of time, we have conducted a feasibility study which has come out with very clear conclusions about our readiness." Virtually what I said then...

This feasibility study publishes the results of a survey showing strong public support for the bid - something Jowell insists applies to the whole of the UK. "If any country in the UK were to host a global sporting event on this kind of scale, it becomes something that the whole of the UK becomes enthused by," added Jowell. "I think that we can be British but also support Scotland, Wales, Ireland or England in the sporting events where we compete as nation countries. Fans are able to make these distinctions. It doesn't diminish their sense of Britishness."

So, with the whole of Britain falling over itself to host a World Cup, one thing is being overlooked. British teams are rubbish and don't have a serious chance of winning. Sorry, but it's true. I know that host nations usually fare pretty well in the World Cup... look at Japan and South Korea who out-punched their weight when they housed the best competition in the world. However, look at our stint in Euro '96. Everyone always thinks we did really well as we got to the semis. If you really think about it, we weren't that great. We played well in one game (the 4-1 mauling of the Dutch) and distinctly average in all other games. We drew with a poor Swiss side in our opening game, to then scrape past them in the knock-out stages. We beat a poor Scottish outfit with the help of a wobbly ball on Gary McAllister's penalty spot, we scraped past Spain (who always underachieve in tournaments) and then, when we met a decent side, Germany, they knocked us out.

Not counting the 5-1 hammering of Germany aaaages ago, when was the last time you came away from an England match genuinely enthused. With everyone having an opinion on the England side at the moment (can you play Lampard and Gerrard together? Is Steve McClaren hopeless? Who gave them that shoddy kit?) it would be silly to rake old ground. I just feel that FIFA must look at our glittering talent, then look at our great grounds with their brilliant security, and then think, why are they so very very dull? Maybe we need a World Cup to get everyone excited about international football again? [Mof Gimmers]

Northern Ireland left without a roof over their heads

Northern Ireland could play their home fixtures in England or Scotland from now on unless the government agrees to repair the roof of Windsor Park. Although a Euro 2008 qualifier against Sweden will go ahead as planned, the Irish FA has been told that the necessary safety certificate will not be issued beyond that unless repairs are made to the roof of the North Stand.

The roof was damaged during storms in December and January. Irish FA president, Jim Boyce, said: "We have been told a decision will have to be made after the Sweden match to either replace the roof of the North Stand or just take it off. The estimated cost of a new roof is £325,000 and we simply don't have that sort of money."

Northern Ireland left without a roof over their heads continued

He added "As there is no other stadium in Northern Ireland capable of hosting international football, going to probably Scotland, or maybe England, would be the only avenue open to us." I suppose you could argue that as most of the squad is based in England it would make sense to host Northern Ireland matches here! There were two Aston Villa players in Lawrie Sanchez's most recent squad - Aaron Hughes and Steven Davis - so that is probably the best bet.

You heard it here first: Villa Park - new home of Northern Ireland!

[Rob Parker]

Oswaldo Sanchez attempts to slide tackle Eddie Johnson (while he celebrates a goal!!!)

Two for the price of one here: a bizarre football moment and US commentary (USA up one-love!). Does it get any better than that?! Mexico goalkeeper Oswaldo Sanchez makes a bit of a lunge at USA striker Eddie Johnson as he celebrates his side's second goal in a 2-0 win on Wednesday night!

Watch the video below, enjoy your weekend and try to resist shouting "Landon Donovan - the outswinger!" at everyone you see!

[Rob Parker]

Queen's Park Rangers brawl with China

There's a headline I thought I'd never write! Last night's match between QPR and China's Olympic squad was abandoned after a brawl in which the international side's Zheng Tao was knocked unconcious. He reportedly suffered two cracks in his jaw and lost a tooth. The FA and QPR have both launched inquiries into the incident and a police investigation is ongoing. Click here to see a video of some of the incident.

[Rob Parker]

10 Conclusions: England 0-1 Spain

1 I should have switched the TV off after the first three minutes. England's exciting attacking play stopped shortly after this.
2 The new England kit really is awful.
3 Peter Crouch cannot play up front by himself. He was impressive in holding the ball up but England's attacks were too slow and predictable as a result.
4 Although Crouch's life was not made any easier by a referee who seemed to think it was cheating to jump if you are already 6ft 7in.
5 Shaun Wright Phillips needs regular first team football. He was unstoppable in the opening minutes.

10 Conclusions: England 0-1 Spain continued

6 Frank Lampard and Joey Barton must have spent most of the week preparing their substitution backslap.
7 England are lacking in depth when it comes to world class players (ie take out Rooney and we are struggling).
8 It was good to see Fernando Morientes back on English soil and on English form as he blasted an easy chance over the bar. A familiar sight for Liverpool fans.
9 Micah Richards looks like the genuine article. We can only hope his drive and enthusiasm isn't dragged down by the rest of the squad.
10 It was disappointing that the likes of Gareth Barry, Jonathan Woodgate, Joey Barton and Kieron Dyer made their England returns/debuts in such a lacklustre performance.
[Rob Parker]

Highlights of Portugal v Brazil

Obviously, the Portugese and the Brazilians are linked historically, so obviously, there was a decent bit of rivalry between the two sides when they met last night at Arsenal's Emirates Stadium. The game was won 2-0 by the Portugal side who were captained by the in-form Cristiano Ronaldo. It's a shame that this video doesn't show Dunga's hilarious outfit which saw him dressed like a Cuban gangster from the twenties.

England's infamous last meeting with Spain, 2004

Ahead of tonight's England v Spain match we look back at the last time the two teams met. It was the heated 'friendly' at the Bernabeu in which Ashley Cole and Shaun Wright Phillips were subjected to racist abuse and Wayne Rooney had to be substituted to prevent him being sent-off. As if that doesn't sound dramatic enough, wait unti you see what this YouTube Spielberg did with the highlights!

[Rob Parker]

Injuries change the face of the England squad

Steve 'Malcolm' McClaren plans to use the 4-3-3 formation that was used against Holland in the 1-1 draw in November. However, he might have a bit of a problem with Wayne Rooney looking crocked.

His other options look a bit ropey too following the withdrawal of Everton's Andrew 'I didn't dive honest' Johnson. The England gaffer has tentitively pencilled Rooney, Kieron Dyer and Aaron Lennon in to form his attacking trio. Peter Crouch will be rubbing his spidery hands in glee as he looks most likely to start should Rooney be injured.

As is par for the course with England friendlies, players are pulling out left, right and centre with rumours of one player being in a coma with a broken eye-lash, and another being on a life support machine after cutting his finger nails a bit short...

One of the players pulling out is Wayne Bridge who looked a dead cert to replace his Chelsea team-mate, Ashley Cole, at left-back. Bridge has strained his thigh which is not only rubbish news for England, but for the Stamford Oilers who are sweating over his scan results.

Predictably, Phil Neville was handed Bridge's first-team training bib instead of the impressive Gareth Barry. McClaren's options to experiment have been hampered by the withdrawal of goalkeeper Chris Kirkland. His shoulder knock leaves just two keepers in the squad, so the it is likely that we'll see Ben Foster making an international debut in the second-half of the game.

Owen Hargreaves returned at the weekend for Bayern Munich, but won't feature tonight as his leg his sore. Well, he did break it three months ago so we mustn't grumble too much. Taking his place is a man who may well be fighting him for a place in the ManYoo line-up in the future. Michael Carrick will hold the midfield, and after some impressive performances this season, it will be interesting to see how he fares when played with stand-in skipper Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard. Jonathan Woodgate, will be paired with Rio Ferdinand in the centre of defence. Hopefully we'll get to see Joey Barton in an England shirt. Barton could kick a few arses in our prima-donna midfield, and hopefully he'll perform well and break up our predictable picks in the middle of the park.

England (squad):

Robinson (Tottenham), Foster (Watford)

Gary Neville (Man Utd), Phil Neville (Everton), Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd), Woodgate (Middlesbrough), Terry (Chelsea), Carragher (Liverpool), Dawson (Tottenham), Richards (Man City)

Lennon (Tottenham), Gerrard (Liverpool), Hargreaves (Bayern Munich), Carrick (Man Utd), Downing (Midd'boro), Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), Parker (Newcastle), Lampard (Chelsea), Barry (Aston Villa), Barton (Man City), Dyer (Newcastle)

Rooney (Man Utd), Crouch (Liverpool), Defoe (Tottenham).

[Mof Gimmers]

Pregnant woman ditches maternity ward for cup final

A pregnant woman in the United Arab Emirates left a maternity ward after discovering it had no television on which to watch the Gulf Cup final between UAE and Oman. The woman reportedly told staff: "I shall be back once my national team has won the coveted championship."

She returned to the hospital clutching a UAE flag having watched her country secure a 1-0 victory and later named her baby Matar after goalscorer Ismail Matar (pictured). Matar - the goalscorer rather than the newborn child - said: "My thanks to her and all other mothers for their support. I dedicate this victory to them." [Via Khaleej Times]

[Rob Parker]

Manuel Negrete's wonder goal in Mexico '86

I can't believe that this hasn't been featured on Pies before as it is my favourite goal ever. Mexico '86 was my first World Cup proper, and the first goal to make my eyes pop out was this wonderful strike by Mexico's Manuel Negrete. A sublime volley that is rewarded with Negrete's hair being pulled and his head being slapped by his team-mates. That's gratitude for you.

[Mof Gimmers]

England's new kit is rubbish

Ladies and Gents, let Pies be the first to pass judgement on the new England home shirt.

It's shit.

This really is the worst England shirt that Pies have ever seen, and can only hope that this is some terrible mistake. Surely the blind morons designers at Umbro can come up with something a bit cleaner and more universal than this monstrosity? Click on the mage to see it closer up... if you're mental enough.

[Mof Gimmers]

Steve McClaren's England squad of peace and harmony

1 "I wouldn't be like Lampard or Gerrard, who are superstars at their clubs and want the limelight when they play for England. If there were two balls on the pitch, then I think England would be successful but, the fact is, it's been proven they don't work together." Joey Barton
2 "'We got beat in the quarter-finals. I played like shit. Here's my book.'" Joey Barton
3 "Joey mentioned that he was running at six in the morning in Dubai on holiday and then he wondered if me and Stevie G were doing the same. When I read that, I thought: 'I was doing that when I was 11. That's the difference." Frank Lampard

Click here to see the full squad. [Rob Parker]

David Beckham as Sleeping Beauty's Prince Philip

Even when he's riding a horse, he can't take that constipated pout off his face. Hollywood's gonna love him.

Should Stuart Pearce take the England U21 job?

Man City's gaffer, Stuart Pearce has admitted to having a "brief conversation" with the Football Association over the possibility of succeeding Peter Taylor as the manager of the England Under 21 side.

On stepping down, Crystal Palace boss Taylor said: "Anybody coming in would have to commit a lot to the job." Psycho feels that he will be able to manage the workload. "If an offer came I would look at it," he said. "I don't think the word 'juggle' would come into it. I listened to what Taylor had to say yesterday. It seemed he felt he could do it but it was how the situation was being perceived outside the club. But any time your country approaches you about anything is a proud moment. The bottom line is I wouldn't do anything that is detrimental to the job I do at City, but I believe anyone working with the under-21s would have to gain a benefit." It's not that simple though is it?

As Pearce is still a young and inexperienced manager, would it be foolish to take on work that may take his eye off the ball at Eastlands? With the club hoping Pearce focuses on his duties at City, it's worth noting that during the speculation that linked Pearce as a potential successor to Sven-Goran Eriksson in 2006, City's form suffered and tailed off as speculation continued. Naturally, the club (and fans) are wary of a repeat of this. If Pearce took the job he would have friendlies during the season - starting with Spain in February, then more work in summer when England face the Czech Republic, Italy and Serbia.

City, in my opinion, have a lot to pleased with at the moment, with Pearce's side playing half decent football, lots of academy players coming through to the first team and reasonable position in the table. Considering City's checkered past, it seems that they finally have some stability. Pearce has been instrumental in this, and taking on another role may well unsettle his squad. In saying that, it's no secret how patriotic Pearce is, and given the chance to represent his country in any form will be music to his ears. What do you think? Should he have a crack at the job, or should he keep his attention on City? [Mof Gimmers]

Fancy being an England mascot?

How do you fancy leading out England as a mascot at Old Trafford before the team face Spain on Wednesday 7th February in front of thousands of fans? Sadly, this offer isn't open to us blokes. However, if you have a nipper aged between seven and eleven years old who is up for it, the Nationwide Building Society (the England team sponsor), and the BBC have a cracking competition. The lucky pup who is mascot will get to keep the kit they are given on the day and most importantly, they'll receive a match ticket for themselves and a parent/guardian.

Just how do you win this prize? Well, click here to go to the BBC site and answer a rock hard question. When I say rock hard, I mean blindingly easy peasy. Now get over there and get entering with multiple email addresses!

Scottish Football Manager

The Scottish FA have announced that they are ready to unveil the new manager for the national side (after Walter Smith's shock exit) on Monday at a press conference. Everyone knows it's going to be Alex McLeish. If not, maybe they should give this bloke a chance?

Gary McAllister and assorted other Euro 96 penalties

As Gary McAllister has chosen 24 January, 2007 as the date to speak out for the first time about his missed penalty against England at Euro 96, Pies is marking the occasion with this compilation of Euro 96 penalties. No Pizza Hut deal for poor old Gary Mac!

[Rob Parker]

England are off to Barcelona

England's Euro 2008 qualifier against Andorra will take place at the Olympic Stadium, Barcelona, after Uefa gave permission for the tie to be switched. Both the Andorran and English football associations wanted the venue to be changed as Andorra's national stadium holds only 1,800.

The match will now take place at the 55,000-capacity Estadi Olímpic Lluís Companys - currently home to Espanyol - on March 28. That should be just enough time to clean up after Frank Rijkaard's visit! [Rob Parker]

Wigan gun for Lee Chun-Soo

Wigan boss Paul Jewell is going after Lee Chun-Soo. The South Korean starlet announced himself on the World Stage at the last World Cup with a stunning freekick against Togo. The 25-year-old former Asian Young Footballer of the Year has emerged as a target as Jewell looks to strengthen his squad. Lee currently plays for Ulsan Tigers in the K-League and is keen to return to Europe after spells at Real Sociedad and Numancia in Spain.  Let's have another look and hope he makes a decent impact on the Premiership.

Ruud van Nistelrooy walks away from Oranje

There are two things that are pretty much unaminous when talking about Ruud van Nistelrooy. One, that he is a fantastic goalscorer. Two, he's annoying and stroppy. Well, he's furthered his mardy credentials further by mewing out of the Holland side.

Ruud Rum has told Dutch national coach Marco van Basten that he is no longer available for the national team. The Real striker has not featured at international level since last summer's World Cup and this announcement will come as a blow to van Basten, who thought he had built some bridges with the former Manchester United hitman. However, van Basten could not guarantee Ruud a starting slot which has caused communications between the two to break down.

"[It is] disappointing, I always played for Oranje with much pleasure and I would have liked to continue to do that," said van Nistelrooy in a statement. Van Basten said: "We [himself and assistant John van't Schip] have had a good conversation [with Van Nistelrooy] in Madrid about the cooperation over the past year. We ironed out some folds. And with that there was a base to eventually come together again." Van Basten told van Nistelrooy he could not guarantee him a starting place in the side. "We have told Ruud when he asked us about this, that the situation about his position is no longer the same as a year ago. In 2006, we saw other candidates for the striking position. That is why he should be prepared to compete with the others. We cannot guarantee him a starting place. That would be not be fair to the other candidates for the position."

However, Van Nistelrooy debated this and said: "I did not specifically ask for a place in the side, but I did want to have the feeling that I would be a candidate for that. I did not get that feeling. That is why I don't see the conditions to give a good performance. No-one benefits from frustration. That's why this was a difficult but correct decision." Surely van Nistelrooy is being a big baby? Anyone who has any pride playing for their national side will surely expect to fight for a place in the starting line-up? [Mof Gimmers]

Classic Moments: Holland v Portugal, Germany 2006

Surely one of the most ill-tempered matches of all time. Sit back and watch the sparks (and Johnny Heitinga) fly once again.

[Rob Parker]

Garrincha: Forgotten footballing great

Garrincha, in my opinion, is too often overlooked when great players names are mentioned. It's all Pele, Cruyff, Platini and Maradona. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with looking back at those players, but surely we all know how great they were? Garrincha (which means 'Little Bird') was an explosive talent both on the pitch and with the ladies. He was born with several birth defects: his spine was deformed, his right leg bent inwards and his left leg six centimeters shorter and curved outwards, but still had extraordinary dribbling skills. It's testament to his prowess that during a game, he dribbled 'round a player half a dozen times before the ball went out of play... and the referee let the game continue as he was so mesmerised by the winger's skill as he continually dummied and shimmied around the opposition.

Football songs from around the world

People often mock the Eurovision Song contest, but there is another musical form that is guaranteed to get peppered at every turn... and that's the football song. Englandneworder was an obvious freak of nature (by virtue of the fact it was alright) and Three Lions was picked up by the terraces. However, most footy songs are complete dirge. Watch this clip to snigger at various attempts from around the world... and brace yourself for an eye watering Peter Schmeichel rap.

Obi Martins debut goal for Nigeria

With Obafemi Martins being touted to Chelsea (and why not?), it's worth noting that, in essence, Obi Martins has always been ace.  Want proof? Watch his first goal for Nigeria against Ireland when he was just a slip of a lad at 19 years old. Great pace and sweet finish with the outside of the boot.

Wembley heartbreak

For the first time in years, fans could once again sing "Wemb-er-ley... Wemb-er-ley" as, with any luck, this season will see the FA Cup final go back to its spiritual home. Of course, Wembley doesn't just hold great memories, but some heartbreaking ones too... that's what the national stadium is all about.

Zidane has a 5-a-side kick about

Imagine this. You're down the local leisure centre having a kick about with you