Who Ate All The Pies

Shit England manager week: Kevin Keegan thinks he abuses Jean

Women of the world, wouldn't you love it, just LOVE IT, if you could go out with the hotness that is Kevin Keegan? Just watch how he carries his blouson/jacket over his shoulder, not to mention the exemplary way he treats his lovely wife Jean…

Shit England manager week: David Beckham's Photoshop School

'Hello, David Beckham here, writing this in my LA mansion. Welcome to my Photoshop School, where talented young Photoshoppers can come, for a small (well, large actually) fee and learn proper mad skills off me, innit. This week I done a poster wiv Sean Penn and that nasty man Steve McClaren, who's so stupid he won't ever pick me again. I also included a moody pic of Frankie Lampard, who's rubbish at dead balls, unlike me who's the best dead ball-kicker in the world, at least that's what adidas tell me to say, innit. Gotta go now, the phone's going… Victoria… VICTORIA! That little Scientology fella's on the phone again…'

Tremendously topical YouTube video: Ruud van Nistelrooy's goal celebration, Holland vs Andorra

A random YouTube search for 'Andorra' threw up some Eurovision Song Contest bollocks and this memorable goal celebration by RVN. Having been taunted by Andorra's players for missing a penalty, Ruud gets his own back in his own special (ie. childish) way.

Top 20 Comedy Football Moments, Vol. 2

We fricking love bloopers. This compilation is perfect for a lazy Friday afternoon (thanks to Pies reader rozkminiacz for the spot). Watch out for the horny Owls at No.2…

Classic Moment: Referee scores a goal in Brazil

The referee's a poacher! In this clip from the 1980s, a Brazilian referee manages to get himself on the scoresheet as he deflects a shot into the back of the net. The man in black is goal-hanging on the back post and finds himself in the right place at the right time. The opposition are understandably not best pleased with this!

[Rob Parker]

French footballer sues his coach for 'calling his honour into question'

A French footballer has launched a defamation lawsuit against his coach for allegedly claiming he was no longer good enough to play for the team. Troyes defender Jean-Louis Montero is suing his coach Jean-Marc Furlan in what is believed to be the first case of its kind.

Montero said: "This has nothing to do with the fact I'm no longer playing. He has called my honour into question on numerous occasions. In an article written on November 28, he said that I was no longer good enough to play in the first division. I have played 200 matches in that league."

French footballer sues his coach for 'calling his honour into question' continued

The 34-year-old is not even playing in the struggling club's reserve team at present. I suppose - if the allegations are true - you could argue that they would be damaging to Montero's career, but he is a daft brave man to step out of line and sue his manager for tittle-tattle. Besides, a day in court listening to evidence about why you are no longer good enough to play top-flight footballer does not sound like a lot of fun! It sounds like he might deserve a place in our sulky French footballers list. [Via The Offside, Rob Parker]

Shaun Wright Phillips and Frank Lampard take on the wibbly wobbly challenge

Welcome to Jose Mourinho's 18-30 holiday camp. First up on today's activities is Frank Lampard and Shaun Wright Phillips on the wibbly wobbly challenge. This is quite possibly the cleanest strike of Lampard's career!

[Via The Offside, Rob Parker]

The real Shaolin Soccer

Karate kick, go! Ouch, that's gotta sting. As far as I can make it, it's a foul by Anthony Tieku on Leendert van Steensel, committed during a German league match between Koblenz and FC Jena.

Dutch referee in trouble for celebrating an Ajax goal

Dutch referee Eric Braamhaar is in trouble after appearing to celebrate Ajax's fifth goal in their 5-1 drubbing of PSV Eindhoven last weekend. The official - who oversaw Manchester United controversial 0-1 win against Lille in the Champions League last month - was spotted by TV cameras pumping his fist following Kenneth Perez's goal. The official claimed he was pleased at playing an advantage in the lead up to the goal.   

[Via Metro, Rob Parker]

Top 10 goals scored by goalkeepers (with video evidence)

'Tis the season for goalies to get their name on the scoresheet. Like these special chaps…

1 Anonymous dude with a foot like a traction engine
This incredible goal makes me grin like an idiot every time I watch it. Undoubtedly the best ever goal scored by a 'keeper.

2 José Luis Chilavert
The world's most famous scoring goalkeeper is one of the small band of No.1s who have scored more than one goal - but then he did take free-kicks and penalties. The Paraguayan scored an amazing 62 goals in his pro career, a few of which you can watch here:

3 Rogerio Ceni
The only genuine rival to Chilavert's crown, Ceni is still playing, for Sao Paulo in Brazil. He has actually scored more goals than Chilavert. Ceni's tally currently stands at 69 (tee-hee), the most by any 'keeper in the history of the game.

4 Peter Schmeichel
The Great Dane can't match the scoring feats of Chilavert or Ceni, but he did manage to finish his playing career with 10 goals, including this volley, which any striker would be proud of:

5 Hans-Jorg Butt
You have to laugh…

6 Luis Martinez
Columbia's keeper puts one over on Poland's Tomasz Kuszczak. Now I see what Fergie saw in the Pole. Great commentary too.

7 Some Japanese dude
A carbon copy of Paul Robinson's recent effort.

8 Mark Crossley…
…Rises like a wardrobe to equalise.

9 High-school soccer dude
Posted recently on Pies but worth its place.

10 John Kluba
No, we'd not heard of the Continental Indoor Soccer League either. But well done John. Go Twisters!

Wayne Rooney's brother stars in a TJ Hughes advert

Wayne Rooney's brother is the fairly familiar face of discount department store TJ Hughes. You see hiring Wayne's brother instead of the man himself saves money in much the same way that shopping at a discount departm... Wait a minute, I see where they are going with this!

[Rob Parker]

Southampton's Ted Bates statue fiasco

This is our favourite story of the week, no question:

An 11-foot bronze statue of Southampton legend Ted Bates, erected last week outside St Mary's stadium will now be taken down after fans branded it a 'joke'. Saints' supporters are livid that the statue of Bates, who played for, coached and served on the board at Southampton between 1937 and 2003, was put up with legs the same length as its arms (see photo - it's true!), and a grinning face that bears an uncanny resemblance to former Porstmouth chairman Milan Mandaric (again, I can see their point).

BREAKING NEWS: In fact, it seems the statue was taken down earlier today.

The statue cost £112,000 to make, half of which was raised by fans through the Ted Bates Trust, the other half coming from the club. Members of the Trust were shown pictures of the sculpture before it went up, but insisted that the version they saw was a more accurate likeness.

I'm really trying very hard to sympathise with Saints' fans on this – Bates was a great man and a great servant to the club – but that picture does make me giggle like a little girl.

Some funny football moments

Every now and again we like to treat you to a little compilation of some humourous football moments. Here is a good one featuring some incidents you might have seen on Pies before, but many you haven't. Enjoy!

[Rob Parker]

Ex-footballer Steve Anthrobus fined £500 for having sex in a field

Steve Anthrobus, a former striker who has played for Millwall, Wimbledon and Shrewsbury Town, has been fined for having alfresco sex on a picnic blanket in Brownhills, Staffordshire. At least he had the decency to do it on a blanket, like a proper gentleman. 'Saucy Striker Steve', as the tabloids will doubtless dub him, admitted the offence and now has to cough up £500. His partner in crime, Debbie Matthews, was fined £250. Not sure why she only has to pay half? Maybe she faked it…

Judge Robert Orme told the shamed pair that it had been 'deeply distressing' for the members of the public who had witnessed the act. Hey, at least it wasn't a roasting. [Via BBC]

Jose Mourinho: The 'Shaddup your face' song

'Dot Cotton have more chance score than Shevchenko…' Top-quality Jose impression…

The IT Crowd: 'Can we have our ball back?' clip

Every footballphobic geek's worst nightmare…

Spurs keeper Paul Robinson scores against Watford

It was the turn of Paul Robinson to be the benefactor rather than the victim of a fluke goal as he scored against Watford on Saturday. His 80-yard free kick bounced over the head of England rival Ben Foster. He might not be on Rogerio Ceni's level just yet, but it was his second goal. You can watch his goal against Watford below, and see the goal he scored for Leeds against Swindon after the jump.

Spurs keeper Paul Robinson scores against Watford continued

[Rob Parker]

Top 5 quotes of the week

1 'Taking me from behind is something that is not worthy behaviour of a man.' Inter Milan's Nicolas Burdisso after having his nose busted by David Navarro of Valencia.

2 'I don't like Ben Foster because he's just ended my dream.' Ian Holloway on Man Utd's on-loan keeper, who performed heroics for Watford against Plymouth in the last eight of the FA Cup.

3 '[Adrian] Mutu, like a good gypsy, has tried to be slick. Then again, all Romanians are slick, they have it on their DNA.' Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini, after the Fiorentina striker scored while one of Palermo's players lay injured.

4 'My wife and I have just had our first child and she's a Scouser.' Pepe Reina is now fully integrated into the Liverpool way of life.

5 'I have seen The Alamo and I feel like I've got Davy Crockett behind me. Sometimes I feel like I could put my head in a bucket of water.' Stuart Pearce, a man on the verge of losing his job.

Robbie Savage taunted by darts fans

'Who are ya?!' Fair play to Savage for standing up and taking the joke. I don't know why the darts players had to stop for the noise - they spend their whole lives playing in pubs! [As spotted on The Offside]

David Navarro gets seven month ban (and Benny Hill treatment)

With Valencia's David Navarro being handed a seven month ban after battering Nicolas Burdisso, it's only fair to make him look even more stupid by showing his fracas again. However, this time it's soundtracked by the Benny Hill theme.

Football heartbreaks video

Most British football fans are on very good terms with disappointment, shattered dreams, false hope and heartache. As this poignant video shows, every loser wins (in a weird way). So Nick Berry was right. Btw, how much fun is it to laugh at big Carsten Jancker's tears? Answer: Lots of fun. Thanks to our German friends for inventing schadenfreude…

David Beckham photographed with unfashionable walking stick (and we don't mean Victoria)

Big designer sunglasses: check. Chunky scarf, carefully tied around the neck: check. Obligatory LA baseball cap: check. Size 0 ex-pop-star wife: check. Crappy NHS walking stick: ch… hang on a minute, shouldn't Becks really be wielding a pimp-style Versace cane, rather than this wholly unfashionable support? OK, so he's buggered up his knee ligaments, but that doesn't mean Golden Balls has to lose all sense of style. C'mon Dave, your standards are slipping mate.
[Via JustJared]

Classic Moment: Lee Dixon's greatest ever goal

This is undoubtedly the best goal Lee Dixon ever scored. Unfortunately for the Arsenal right-back turned BBC pundit it was an own goal against David Seaman. A sublime chip from 25 yards leaving the keeper with no chance!

[Rob Parker]

'Soccer Practice' music video, by Gay Pimp

I'd like to see Craig Bellamy & John Arne-Riise perform this camp classic at a karaoke night, preferably with both dressed in sailor outfits. It would be good for the game. Football/soccer needs more shameless gayness.

Umbro advert shows why you should always swap shirts on the pitch

More funny footy adverts

[Rob Parker]

HolloWatch: Go green for Ollie

Plymouth boss Ian Holloway - Pies favourite football manager in the whole world, ever - is urging the nation to go green. No, Ollie's not jumped on the climate change bandwagon, he just wants everyone to wear green to support his side in the FA Cup this weekend.

Plymouth face Watford on Sunday, and you won't be surprised to find out that Ollie is up for the occasion. In his regular BBC column, he said: "It will be a momentous occasion for us. We're at home and we've sold out all our tickets, which is fantastic, and the town's gone absolutely mental. I'm asking everyone to wear something green on Sunday, whether it's their Argyle shirts, socks or even their underpants. Even those people who don't support Plymouth but are watching the game on TV and rooting for us should wear something green." [Via BBC Sport, Rob Parker]

Can anyone tell us what the hell Ronaldo is doing?

Look at Ronaldo. What's he up to? Is he being a great ambassador for the Brazilian national team? It doesn't look like it does it? In fact, you could argue that he's being very crass indeed. Anyone care to explain what he's up to? [Mof Gimmers]

Thanks to Sammy for alerting me to the wrongness...

Steve Morrow goes wrong in celebration

Steve Morrow. Remembered for only one thing. Being unceremoniously dumped on his head after scoring the winner in a cup final for Arsenal and nearly perishing. So, what better way to relive the moment than with Baddiel and Skinner taking the piss out it?

[Mof Gimmers]

"There's only one Jimmie Krankie" and other ace chants

There is nothing like a funny chant at a ground to make you realise how wonderful football can really be. Sometimes chants become famous in their own right... just like "There's only two Andy Gorams!" after he was diagnosed with schizophrenia or the brilliant "You're not as good as Christmas" sung at Jermaine Easter recently.

So with footballers making sorry names for themselves with contract wrangling and managers always moaning about referees, it's to the fans we look for our footballing joys... so read over for some of the finest and funniest chanting of the past few weeks which include Wee Jimmie Krankie at Leeds and Cilla Black...

"Cilla wants her teeth back, Cilla wants her teeth back, La la la la, La la la la". Liverpool fans to Ronaldinho during Barcelona match.

"You'll never cheat for England!" Watford fans to Everton's Andy Johnson after an alleged dive in the box.

"Theres only one Jimmy Krankie!" Wolves fans to Leeds manager Dennis Wise.

"We've got Channel 4!" and "Have you ever seen ER?" Hibs fans to Queen of the South fans who reside in the Borders region where you can't get a Channel 4 signal.

[Mof Gimmers]

Dive of the week part 2: Cristiano Ronaldo, Manchester United v Lille

We had already awarded Dive of the week to Arjen Robben yesterday for this effort, but Pies could not let this attempt from Cristiano Ronaldo slide. I thought Robben's dive was terrible, but having watched Ronaldo's latest antics I'd be tempted to award a penalty to Chelsea!

The Portuguese winger's booking for simulation is questionable under the Trades Description Act. If I was a player who simulated fouls I would be offended to have this tarred with the same brush. He just sort of falls over an invisible trip-wire (and it's not even a very good fall). Once again praise must go to the referee for brandishing the yellow card, and also for having the self-restraint not to slap his cry-baby face afterwards!

[Rob Parker]

Classic Moments: Stretcher bearers make sure Pierre Issa's shoulder is sufficiently broken

Former Watford defender Pierre Issa must have known his luck was out after dislocating his shoulder in this fairly innocuous trip against Birmingham. But even he couldn't have predicted the stretcher bearers would then slam the same shoulder into the turf as he was being carried away. The moral of the story? Stretcher bearers should never borrow Rafa Benitez's shoes!

More stretcher bearer madness [Rob Parker]

Manchester United are going to hell

Manchester United are a Satan-worshipping football club heading for hell, according to one Christian Group. Scottish Christian Party leader George Hargreaves has called for the Red Devils to repent and change their club crest.

He said: "We will urge Wayne Rooney not to honour the devil by wearing this shirt nor kiss this badge. We will urge Christians to put their money elsewhere than Manchester United and its sponsors of Satanic worship. Repent and put The Cross of Jesus Christ or at least Star of David on your shirts. Manchester can never be United under Satan. Manchester can only be United under the Christian-Jewish God."

Manchester United are going to hell continued

He added: "We advise Christians in Manchester to support Manchester City, Bolton, Stockport or Burnley until the board of Manchester United change the official club symbol of Satan on all shirts, merchandise and their website." If it's any consolation, George, everyone in Manchester already supports those teams! [Via Mirror, Rob Parker]

Headline of the day: 'Wanke beat off stiff bribe penalty'

You couldn't make this up (see screenshot): As seen on ESPN, this glorious Carry On-style headline details alleged bribery by the Slovak FA's acting Secretary General, one Vladimir Wanke (tee-hee).

The story itself is roughly 98% less interesting than the headline, which is a work of genius.

Dress up David Beckham (you've got to be able to do a better job than him!)

Who said celebrity and fashion was now a bigger part of football than the game itself? Well, Stardoll is giving you the chance to play doll with your favourite footballers by virtually dressing them. David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Freddie Ljungberg are all available for the Stardoll treatment. A wide wardrobe is available so you can dress your footballer for any occasion! Some of Pies favourite efforts are after the jump.

Dress up David Beckham (you've got to be able to do a better job than him!) continued

(L-R Fergie's Nightmare; Camp Freddie, Jimmy Savile-dinho, Ball Control)

[Via The Offside, Rob Parker]

Dive of the week: Arjen Robben, Chelsea v Porto

Chelsea winger Arjen Robben did his bit to shake off his reputation as a diver by throwing himself to the floor in the penalty area against Porto last night. The technique was textbook: try and wait around long enough to be clipped by the defender's leg and a Klinsmann swallow dive to the deck. Unfortunately for Robben, his timing was out. Full marks to the referee for booking him.

[Rob Parker]

Craig Bellamy School of Golf t-shirt

The wags at T-shirts365 don't miss a trick. In this case, the trick is producing a t-shirt called 'The Craig Bellamy School of Golf', just days after Bellamy showed the world his swing. Ouch, it's zeitgeisty! Available in green, red or white, for the princely sum of £14.99. BUY IT

Gilberto Silva, Julio Baptista and Denilson bring the samba rhythm to north London

This video shows Arsenal's Brazilian connection of Gilberto Silva, Julio Baptista and Denilson playing mandolin, singing, dancing and generally being Brazilian. Denilson seems to be a bit shy, but that is before he gets up to do a little jig towards the end of the video!

[Rob Parker]

Funny football commentary

"Rooney, Rooney, Rooney-Rooney-Rooney. Wayne Rooney, yeah! Happy Birthday.Happy Birthday, Wayne Rooney."

[Rob Parker]

David Beckham and Lionel Messi get arty for Adidas

David Beckham is just one of a host of athletes to to show off their artistic skills as part of a new advertising campaign. This is one of a series of new adverts for Adidas' Impossible Is Nothing promotion. The artwork produced is set to become part of an exhibition which is likely to tour the country.

David Beckham and Lionel Messi gets arty for Adidas continued

Barcelona wonderkid Lionel Messi is also involved in the campaign. This teaser video for his artwork is one of four that has been posted on YouTube by Adidas.

[Rob Parker]

World Cup bloopers video

I love me some bloopers, especially when they're taken from the biggest football tournament in the world – much more poignant.

New home of Gunners helps burglars do runners!

Police have revealed that Arsenal's new Emirates Stadium is responsible for a sudden increase in crime. Residents of the Highbury Hill area have been told that burglaries in the area have almost doubled in the six months since the Gunners moved to their new home.

Two bridges built near the stadium to allow fans to cross a railway line to access the ground are being used as a handy escape route by thieving scumbags. How about employing Kolo Toure to patrol the bridges and keep order? [Via Guardian, Rob Parker]

Bulgarian fan tries to legally change name to 'Manchester United'

For the past two years, Bulgarian Man Yoo fan Marin Levidzhev (that's not him) has been fighting in his country's courts to have his name legally changed to 'Manchester United'. Magistrates in Bulgaria have just ruled that he can call himself Manchester Levidzhev but not Manchester United. Which kind of defeats the object. Can he call himself Marin United though?

Levidhev plans on appealing the decision to a higher court: 'I feel as if I am only at the half-time break.' he said. 'I won’t feel right until I get all my name changed to Manchester United… I love the club. It’s my whole life and I want my name to reflect that.'

Bloody nutter. [Via The Offside]

Alan Shearer has a penalty shootout against Brian Clough

There's a headline I didn't expect to be writing this morning! What with Big Al now retired and Old Big 'Ead now sadly departed, you probably thought the chances of a penalty shootout between the pair was fairly unlikely. And you would be right!

The other Brian Clough is the pie-loving goalkeeper of West Jesmond AFC, BBC Sport's adopted part-timers. The 22-year-old Sunderland fan couldn't resist the opportunity to face a few Shearer penalties when the Newcastle legend joined them for a training session. 

[Rob Parker]

Thierry Henry's unfeasibly large ghetto blaster

Who knows where Thierry picked up this mother of all boomboxes – Tandy? What I do know is that he was listening to MC Hammer when this photo was taken. Or Musical Youth.

Wayne Bridge's blow to the head gets him all confused

After taking a little smack round the head from Emmanuel Eboue, Chelsea's Wayne Bridge was apparently even more concussed than his skipper John Terry. Perhaps a little bemused as to why his team-mates were parading a little tin cup around and drinking champagne, Bridge said: "It doesn't matter what happened in the game - we got the three points." More Quotes of the Week from the BBC here. [Rob Parker]

Bum-to-bum action in the Madrid derby

In the recent incident packed Mardrid derby, something unusual happened. It involved some buttock to buttock action... and... well... I've no idea why. It all seems very sporting though.

Football blooper reel: Always look on the bright side of life, part 2

I'm sure most of you have seen part one of this series. Here's part two:

Ashbourne's Royal Shrovetide match: The not-so-beautiful Beautiful Game

Last week was the annual Royal Shrovetide football match in Ashbourne, Derbyshire. Basically residents of two ends of the town battle it out to score in this primitive version of football, although the game probably owes more to rugby or a Saturday night brawl than modern football! Click here to find out more or watch the video below for some footage of Royal Shrovetide 2007.

[Rob Parker]

DaMarcus Beasley waters the pitch for the groundsman

This video shows Manchester City winger DaMarcus Beasley having a crafty pee on the pitch while on USA duty at the 2002 World Cup (I think, but correct me if you know better!).

[Rob Parker]

Classic Moments: Monty Python's Philosophers' World Cup sketch

Confucius he say, 'Name go in book…'

Dive of the week: Steven Gerrard, Liverpool vs Sheffield Utd

Roughly 14 seconds in to this video, watch Stevie G go down and win one of the softest penalties I've seen this season. Very poor show Steven.

Brokeback Chelsea: Frank Lampard and John Terry make a lovely couple

I bet Frank is delighted that his bestest mate JT is feeling better. How would he cope without him?

Ray Stubbs sings Peter N'Lurve

We've already featured a fair bit of Fantasy Football on here, but there really doesn't need to be an excuse to post more. Check this video out, and watch Ray Stubbs singing Peter N'Lurve at the close. Genius.

[Mof Gimmers]

Classic Moment: Jimmy Hill on Baddiel & Skinner's Fantasy Football

I miss this show, even more than I miss Gladiators. Has Jimmy been drinking meths?

World Cup stars to manage Father Ted footy sides

Former Republic of Ireland strikers John Aldridge and Tony Cascarino have had their fair share of football honours. They've both competed at the highest level for club and country, starring in World Cups and FA Cup finals, but for the former hitmen, their biggest challenge is to come.

Cascarino and Aldridge are to vie for the honour of lifting the Craggy Cup! The pair have signed up to manage teams from rival islands this weekend in a one-off match to decide which of a pair of rocky outposts off the coast of County Galway is the real Craggy Island which is of course, the home of TV series Father Ted. The match will be part of the three-day Friends of Ted festival to be held this weekend on Inis Mor, the largest of the three remote Aran Islands. The event has been organised by a group of fans from Galway to commemorate the ninth anniversary of the death of Dermot Morgan who played Ted Crilly. However, the festivals location immediately proved controversial when it was announced last month to loud opposition from inhabitants of the neighbouring Inis Oirr.

The people of Inis Orr insisted that the shipwreck featured in the title sequence of the Channel 4 series was a historic landmark on their coastline. Hence, the five-a-side match being held to decide which of the two should hold the title of the "real" Craggy Island, home to Ted, Father Dougal and Father Jack, for the next 12 months.

It will be one of a number of events at the festival related to incidents from the show, including the Father Jack Cocktail Evening, the Cleaning Fluids Drinks Reception, the Lovely Girls Contest, a Charity Auction and A Song For Europe. The organisers describe it on their website as follows: "For the pilgrims there will be celebration and there will be drink (and tea). As Brethren we will break bread (and cake) together, play Ludo and Buckaroo; quiz each other, steal whistles and write Inis Mor's Song for Europe. We will consume Toilet Duck, laugh, cry and play five-a-side football. And when it is over we will return to our parishes somewhat lighter of pocket, but all the wealthier in heart."

Let's just hope that Aldo doesn't go off on a rant like he did at USA 94 eh?  [Mof Gimmers via TVScoop]

Vladimir Romanov is officially a mentalist

Vladimir Romanov may just be my favourite man in football. He's absolutely insane. By no means would I want him taking the reigns at a club I supported, but boy, he doesn't half make me piss my pants with laughter.

Romanov once released an insanely marvelous statement to the Scottish press, saying "I'm very glad that you finally got down from the trees and found a worthy place for yourself - a safari park. It shows you have both the habits and instincts of monkeys. I'll visit the director of the safari park and ask for a personal cage for each of you. One thing is very important. First you have to pass the quarantine rules and the vet will vaccinate you against rabies. So you are not allowed to join the monkeys yet." He's also ranted about Bolsheviks shooting peasants and now, his finest hour yet, another bonkers attack on the Scots media and women who deny themselves love. Read over and get ready to rub your eyeballs in disbelief.

Romanov latest odd rant looks at referees and his auld foe, the media. He said: "Today I will express my opinion in English about refereeing in order that your Mowgli will not make you tell lies. To discuss whether referees take money or not is the same as discussing a woman who gives herself with no love. Isn't it better to concentrate on the standard of their work instead of looking for reasons for their poor performance? A woman cheats herself and nature if she gives herself without love.

"If a referee officiates a game based on his personal love, he commits a cynical crime, especially when the public has trusted him. I respect those referees who take money from two stupid teams and then honestly officiates a game. They do not harm football in any way. Though it is bad, still everybody is equal for them. Now it has become obvious to me why you, the Monkeys (his nickname for the media), were trying to ruin Hearts not only in the Championship, but in European competitions as well. I think it was not without your help that the 'frozen' referee from Russia was selected to officiate our match and that in the games against the Greek side we got three red cards".

He's as brilliant as he is baffling. I'll point out that this wasn't translated to make it sound more nonsensical. Give the man a chat show. [Mof Gimmers]

Ronaldinho horse statue for sale on eBay

Spotted for sale on eBay (auction ends 28 Feb): one full-sized white statue of Ronaldinho, but imagined as a horse – it freaks me out a little, I must admit. I know that Ronnie has an impressive set of gnashers, but surely Ruud van Nistelrooy – football's ultimate horseface – would have made a better subject?

Proceeds from the auction, which currently stands at an impressive $25,000, will go to charity. LINK

[Via Deadspin] More eBay craziness

John Fashanu on Celebrity Gladiators

'John, you will go on my first whistle…' I miss Gladiators (can you believe how seriously people took it!).

Vinnie Jones sings on Joss Stone's new album

If you happened to be wondering what Vinnie Jones' current line of work is, it's apparently singing (again). The ex-Wimbledon hardman is featured on Joss Stone's latest installment of aspartame-coated soul. Vinnie introduces the album with a little speech before sharing vocals with Stone on a hidden track. Stone said: "I wanted someone to introduce the record and I love Vinnie because I love his accent and he's a football player - and I'm into my football."

She added: "He's got that spirit, that's just like 'f*ck it', which is my spirit as well - we kinda connect like that." Personally I would rather remember Vinnie connecting with someone's knee cap at Selhurst Park than connecting with that faux-American warbler! [Rob Parker]

Dive of the week: Alberto Gilardino, Celtic vs AC Milan

Full marks to Gilardino for style, but no marks at all for timing (taken from last night's Celtic v Milan snooze-fest).

David Beckham's Photoshop School: Holloway vs badger

Hey everybody and welcome to David Beckham's Photoshop School! - it's just like my Soccer Schools, but helping talented young kids to develop their Photoshop skills. This week, I've Photoshopped Ian Holloway's head onto the body of a badger emerging from its sett. It's topical and slightly disturbing.
keep on 'Shopping!
David 'I'm off to Hollywoodland' Beckham

Nike Parklife advert

This classic advert for Nike from the 1990s shows the likes of Eric Cantona, Robbie Fowler and Ian Wright plying their trade at grassroots level on Hackney Marshes.

[Rob Parker]

Crap celebration for an offside goal anyone?

This is one of the most unintentionally funny things I've seen at a football match in ages.

[Mof Gimmers]

Phil Neville is shit, says Nicky Hunt

Irony. Not something that footballers are great at spotting. Want an example? Well, here is Bolton Wanderers right-back Nicky Hunt offering forthright views on Phil 'Newly Hatched Bird' Neville.

[Mof Gimmers]

Watford fans to stick with lucky carrots for away matches?

It has been a while since we dropped in on Watford blog site BHappy's Five-a-day away days. Basically for each away match the boys at BHappy choose a fruit or vegetable to smuggle into the opposition's ground.

Having worked their way through most of their local greengrocer's stock, the lads finally selected the lowly carrot for last week's relegation six-pointer against West Ham. And having emerged with the spoils at Upton Park, it remains to be seen whether they will stick with carrots for the FA Cup fifth round match at Plymouth on 10 March or rotate their stock once again! [Rob Parker]

Treat yourself to a World Cup final goal net

If you have the best part of £5,000 to throw around you could erm... invest in a genuine World Cup final net. The net (modelled here by Gianluigi Buffon - or at least there's a 50 per cent chance it's being modelled here by Gianluigi Buffon) is being flogged on eBay having been won in a competition.

The net comes with a FIFA certificate of authenticity. The starting price is around £3,300, but nobody has been tempted to bid just yet. The auction ends on 21 February if you have more money than sense are interested. [Via The Offside, Rob Parker]

Visit our sister site Bayraider for more unusual eBay auctions.

There's only one John Terry... for now!

England's kit manufacturers Umbro are looking for an army of John Terrys to take part in the launch of their five-a-side tournament. The firm is looking for namesakes of the England skipper to feature in the opening of the inaugural Umbro Fives at Wembley Stadium a week tomorrow.

John Terrys from around the country will be invited to lead their own teams out at the new stadium to celebrate the start of the nationwide five-a-side event. Expect a surge of diehard fans making their way to registery offices to change their name by deed poll! If you happen to one of the other JT's, drop a line to mynameisjohnterry@redconsultancy.com to get involved.

[Rob Parker]

Bolivian footballer sacked for naked press conference

A footballer in Bolivia has been sacked by his club after conducting a press conference in the nude. Alex Da Rosa, a naturalised Brazilian, was fired by his club Blooming for the prank. Da Rosa and three team-mates were supposed to be apologising after TV cameras spotted them breaking a team curfew and drinking until late in a bar.

While his team-mates attempted to say sorry, Da Rosa stripped off. He said: "We were just being guys, journalists and friends." Blooming president Carlos Bendeck did not see the funny side and sacked the midfielder for persistent bad behaviour. [Rob Parker]

Mark 'Sat-Nav' Lawrenson gives directions to Preston during commentary

Co-commentator and keen amateur geographer Mark Lawrenson chose last night's frantic FA Cup tie between Bolton and Arsenal to pull up commentator Guy Mowbray on his limited knowledge of northern motorways!

Following Gilberto's skied second half penalty, Lawro commented: "That's well and truly missed. That's on the M61." Mowbray - no doubt eager to join in with some Motty/Lawro style banter - responded: "Might be in Preston by now." But Lawro was having none of it. As quick as a flash he is onto Mowbray: "Wrong way."

This video captures the start of the exchange, but infuriatingly stops short of Lawro's deadpan: "Wrong way." [Rob Parker]

Two finalists in the LA Galaxy X Factor trial extravaganza

Remember LA Galaxy's open trials to fund David Beckham's wages with money paid by deluded twentysomethings attract new talent to the club? Well, as if the Beckham media circus wasn't enough reality TV for the club they now seem to be setting up an X Factor/American Idol-style showdown.

The 800 hopefuls have been whittled down to just two. The remaining participants are 24-year-old Portuguese midfielder Rui Fortes and 22-year-old attacking midfielder Laurent Merlin (pictured), from France. Both have been on further one-week trials this week. Galaxy general manager Alexi Lalas, the ginger Simon Cowell, said: "Merlin and Fortes are raw but they showed some potential, and therefore their adventure will continue."

Two finalists in the LA Galaxy X Factor trial extravaganza continued

Fortes has played in the USA for four years with the Rhode Island Stingrays. Merlin is a former French youth international and a product of Marseille's youth system. He has also spent time with AC Ajaccio on Corsica, and latterly Ligue 2 team Chateauroux. [VIa The Offside]

[Rob Parker]

Enjoy one of the worst misses of all time…

Yes, it's a cliche, but this really was easier to score than miss. From a Mexican league game, we think (could be very wrong though), and first spotted on The Offside.

A compilation of goal celebrations (before FIFA ban them all)

FIFA is apparently planning yet another clampdown on goal celebrations, which could see tighter restrictions such controversial activities as somersaults, removing the shirt and, erm, ear-cupping! Make the most of these beautiful celebrations while you still can.

[Rob Parker]

Iron Maiden star Bruce Dickenson flies Rangers to Israel

Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickenson was the pilot as Rangers flew to Israel for their Uefa Cup tie with Hapoel Tel Aviv. And this wasn't some cheap publicity stunt - Dickenson is a qualified commercial pilot and regularly flies for charter airline Astraeus.

The heavy metal star made a special request to fly the Glasgow team after hearing that Astraeus had secured the contract. Rangers manager Walter Smith told the club's website: "I know their stuff quite well. I remember going to meet the band when they played in Edinburgh a few years ago. I would never have thought that Bruce would be flying our plane." [Via BBC]

[Rob Parker]

Oswaldo Sanchez attempts to slide tackle Eddie Johnson (while he celebrates a goal!!!)

Two for the price of one here: a bizarre football moment and US commentary (USA up one-love!). Does it get any better than that?! Mexico goalkeeper Oswaldo Sanchez makes a bit of a lunge at USA striker Eddie Johnson as he celebrates his side's second goal in a 2-0 win on Wednesday night!

Watch the video below, enjoy your weekend and try to resist shouting "Landon Donovan - the outswinger!" at everyone you see!

[Rob Parker]

Stan Collymore stars in BBC's The Verdict

Former England striker Stan Collymore is one of the celebrity jurors in a mock trial to be shown on BBC Two from Sunday night. The Verdict is a four-part series which will see the jury in court and deliberating over the fictional trial of a footballer in a rape case. If that doesn't already sound like television gold, Pies can reveal that Stan the Man does have to refer to himself as "Stanley Victor Collymore" while being sworn in!

Collymore - possibly the only footballer to have made as many appearances for Real Oviedo as for England - has now ditched his insane optimistic plans of a return to top-flight football. Click here to see a clip of Stan talking about The Verdict. We will look back at Collymore at his best instead. [Rob Parker]

Moritz Volz's Hoff boots sell for £295

Moritz Volz's Nike boots embroidered with 'The Hoff' have sold for £295 at auction. The boots boasted a 100 per cent strike rate as they were only worn in Fulham's 1-1 draw with Aston Villa when Volzy was on the scoresheet. Stick here to see what else the German flogged. [Rob Parker]

Sunderland and Fulham try to play in the snow

A bit of snow today means the UK has all but ground to a halt. Here is a video of last season's abandoned match between Sunderland and Fulham when it appeared to be raining snowballs. This is dedicated to all the hardy Pies readers who could have made it to work but decided to be snowed in instead!

[Rob Parker]

Liverpool fans one year ago