Who Ate All The Pies

Moritz Volz loves the English weather

Fulham defender and unofficial English Tourist Board spokesman Moritz Volz has leapt to the defence of the English climate. The German told The Guardian's Small Talk [Cue Land of Hope and Glory in the background]: "It's not as bad as people say it is. England has to be one of the most beautiful countries in the world when the sun is out. People have this idea, probably from Agatha Christie and Sherlock Holmes, that England's always rainy, but it's nice and mild: you have flowers blossoming here as early as February. I can't knock the weather, but mind you I've never lived in Middlesbrough." Click here to read the full interview in which Volzy sets the record straight on Hoff. [Rob Parker]

Moritz Volz 'Danger Volz' t-shirt from TShirts365

A Pies legend we haven't heard much about from a while is Mr Moritz Volz. Well, the eccentric Fulham utility-man is back on our radars thanks to this t-shirt from TShirt365. This Danger Volz t-shirt is available for £14.99 by clicking here. Volzy's excellent website is always worth a visit, particularly to keep up to date with the life of Moritz through his diary. [Rob Parker]

Steve Marlet wonder goal

Attention football fans. It would seem that there is a Steve Marlet imposter knocking around. Do you remember him? Used to play for Fulham? Well, this bloke in the video looks like him, and indeed, there was a Steve Marlet who played for both Fulham and Lyon (who this goal was scored for)... but this goal is incredible... so it surely can't be him can it? C'est impossible.

Obscene season ticket prices to be slashed?

News reaches us that Premiership chairmen are going to be forced into cutting 'obscene' ticket prices because fans have just about had enough of being the victims of daylight robbery every weekend, and as a result, football has reached a tipping point.

Two top-flight chairmen have expressed the same view, both of whom predict price cuts all round next season. 'It is a serious issue that has reached saturation point across the country,' said Phil Gartside, chairman of Bolton. 'We feel duty bound to make a stance by reducing the cost for our season ticket holders, and I'm sure other clubs will follow suit next season and listen to public opinion.' But surely the tickets are inflated at the chairs' behest?

This weekend saw ManYoo fans protesting about the amount being charged to let their fans watch their side at Fulham. They were asked for a whopping £45 to watch their team, and that doesn't include travel and grub... although they hadn't got far to travel from Essex eh? Ho Ho Ho... I'll get me coat. A senior executive from another of the Premiership's 'big four' clubs told Observer Sport that prices could not go any higher. 'Officially we are monitoring the situation,' he said. 'But privately we have realised that ticket prices have reached their maximum, at least in the immediate future.'

These warnings come slap bang in the middle of an attendance slump. Despite an increased capacity at Arsenal and Manchester United, the average attendance is down from last year, and whilst the big four continue to sell out their games, the overall Premiership average is down by more than 1,000 year on year and now stands at 32,775, not including this weekend. What is causing fans to stay away? Well, once, you could watch the footy and not dent the wallet too much, and know exactly when you'd be going out. Basically, high prices and amended kick-off times to enable saturated TV coverage aren't encouraging fans to get down the ground. 

Of course, a lot of money is generated by the TV rights, which obviously help clubs to bring in new players and the like. That said, the Premier League negotiated a new £600million, three-year deal for overseas TV rights to the Premiership. Add the £1.7 billion Sky and Setanta will pay to screen matches in Britain, and the £400m for internet and mobile phone rights, and it seems scandalous that ticket prices continually increase. Each club will be getting around £900m per season (starting in August).

Apart from drops in season ticket prices, a group are also want away matches addressed. The Football Supporters' Federation want a fixed price for all travelling supporters. 'Away fans in England are unique. You would not get 5,000 Milan supporters travelling to Juventus. If prices were to stay in line with the Taylor Report's recommendation, then £15 would be a fair price for those who travel to watch their team.' The report, published in January 1990 in the aftermath of the Hillsborough disaster, stated that 'it should be possible for seating to be £6'. With inflation, that would mean fans paying just £9.60 now, rather than the average of about £30.

So what's the answer? Well, looking at Germany's Bundesliga, the average attendance was approximately 40,000, which is superior to our league matches. In fact, it's about a quarter more fans in through the turnstiles, shouting for their team. German fans can buy tickets for as little as £10 or £15 for all games, and in some cases, terracing is being used, which gives a fan a feeling of real unity, as opposed to the sterile stadia over here. What is interesting is that the Bundesliga is renowned for its competitiveness, with many teams standing a chance of winning it. Should we look at the German model to fix our game? [Mof Gimmers]

Who Ate All The Pies? Not the Manchester United fans, that's for sure

Manchester United fans are being urged to boycott the traditional half-time pie in protest at the inflated ticket prices they have to pay to attend away matches. The leaders of a campaign to cut ticket prices are telling fellow United fans not to spend any money at Fulham's Craven Cottage ground tomorrow.

The protest organisers want fans to lay-off the pies, programmes and prawn sandwiches as they claim they are being "ripped off" by other Premiership clubs. United fans have paid £45 for tickets for the Fulham match, while fans of rivals Manchester City paid just £25 when their side visited the London club.

Organiser Pete Doyle said: "If a few thousand Reds don't buy a thing or place any bets maybe we can persuade Fulham to reduce their prices to a reasonable level next season. The team we support might be wealthy but it doesn't mean all Manchester United fans are. We have to pay inflated prices everywhere. If other clubs cannot fill their grounds with their own fans it's not down to us to balance their books."

Fulham have defended their pricing policy claiming that all their matches against the Big Four have been rated Grade A+, meaning that home supporters too pay an elevated price. [Via BBC, Rob Parker]

Moritz Volz's Hoff boots sell for £295

Moritz Volz's Nike boots embroidered with 'The Hoff' have sold for £295 at auction. The boots boasted a 100 per cent strike rate as they were only worn in Fulham's 1-1 draw with Aston Villa when Volzy was on the scoresheet. Stick here to see what else the German flogged. [Rob Parker]

Sunderland and Fulham try to play in the snow

A bit of snow today means the UK has all but ground to a halt. Here is a video of last season's abandoned match between Sunderland and Fulham when it appeared to be raining snowballs. This is dedicated to all the hardy Pies readers who could have made it to work but decided to be snowed in instead!

[Rob Parker]

Vincenzo Montella L'Aeroplanino t-shirt from Tshirts365

Italian striker Vincenzo Montella is well on his way to becoming a cult figure at Fulham after three goals in three substitute appearances. And where there's a cult figure there usually follows a TShirts365 tshirt. Voila! This airline-style top is a reference to Montella's aeroplane goal celebration and accompanying nickname ( 'L'Aeroplanino'). Click here to buy it for £14.99. Just remember which website tipped Montella to be a hit first!

[Rob Parker]

Jimmy Bullard, angling superstar

Jimmy Bullard, who is currently recovering from a season-ending knee injury, is gaining quite a reputation as a top-flight match angler. Angling Times reports that the Fulham midfielder recently won a carp competition at Gold Valley Lakes (a fishing venue near Aldershot) using the innovative 'pva bag method'. Fishing tiny walnut-sized bags filled with a mixture of pellets, and hair-rigged pellets on the hook, Bullard tempted carp to just under double figures for his match-winning 87lb 6oz net. Here's a pic of the Bull with one of his scaly victims (Jimmy's the one with the curly hair).

At this stage, I'm obliged to make a joke about Fulham being Premiership minnows, but I'll resist the urge… oops, too late.

Volzy auctions off a load of football memorabilia

Fulham's Moritz Volz, who is fast approaching Ian Holloway as a Pies icon, is auctioning off a load of his football memorabilia, including his Nike 'Hoff' boots (he loves David Hasselhoff), a load of signed shirts and his own Germany 06 Panini sticker album. Here's the link to the auction. If you like what you see, place a bid – it's all for a good cause. Only a few days left to go, so be quick.

And by the way, you HAVE to check out the simply awesome cover of Sting's 'Alien in New York' that now greets visitors to Volzy's splendid website. Let's start a campaign to get it in the charts… all those in favour, say 'Ja!'

Free travel to football matches

Fans who have experienced the thrill of an away match will know how addictive it is. The trip down, the pre-match pints in a strange pub, being in a strange ground. It's like a holiday with a football match stuck in the middle of it! However, loads give it a wide berth because they can't get a lift down to the games. Well, you needn't fear that any more.

A website called WeWillfollow aims to stop all that worry and hassle by allowing you to offer and request lifts to games home and away, and it’s completely free. Added to that, the site also has a ticket exchange for fans with a spare. It's all rather nice isn't it? To add to the community feeling, WeWillFollow also have a unique 'Exile List' for each club, so if you've drifted away from your club (geographically speaking) you can register as a member on the site and talk to other exiled supporters of your club. With a list of 1000+ supporters clubs too, you need never feel lonely and exiled again! Have a look and sign up with the site now!

Are Fulham the most exciting side in the Premiership?

When I think of Fulham, it's usually a dismal traveling support and uninspired football that springs to mind. However, that may not be the case this season as Fulham are, quite obviously, the most entertaining team on the planet.

Why?  Let's look at the stats from the Fulham's last half dozen games. 25 goals in six games. Every match bar one has featured a last minute equaliser. Last night, we saw Fulham come back from 3-1 down to win 4-3. Something that is becoming quite a regular thing with the Cottagers. Not only that, but they've got a rapper in their team too! I've not even mentioned the genius of Mauritz Volz either! Surely Fulham should have a place in every neutrals heart? [Mof Gimmers]

'Don't Tread' by Clint 'Deuce' Dempsey

Fulham-bound Dempsey is ghetto baby. This is the video for a Nike-promoted hip-hop single Deuce released just before the 2006 World Cup. It's actually not that bad - not as good as 'World In Motion', but a lot better than the likes of 'Fog on the Tyne' and 'Diamond Lights'. Dempsey's co-rappers are XO and Big Hawk, who died in a shooting in Houston in May 2006. At the end of the video, Clint lays a flower on the grave of his late sister Jennifer. A promising tennis player, she died of a brain aneurism at the age of just 16.

NEWS FLASH Fulham captain Boa Morte signs for West Ham

Fulham skipper Luis Boa Morte has signed for West Ham United, in a deal that is reported to be worth around £5m. Wow, I didn't see that coming.

Fulham manager Chris Coleman claims he didn't want to sell the Portuguese winger, but I think it represents decent business for both clubs - £5m is decent money for a 29-year-old winger, especially with like-for-like Clint Dempsey waiting in the wings. And, let's be honest, Boa Morte needs a new challenge. [Via BBC]

Kit Parade: U-S-A!

Fulham fans can celebrate Craven Cottage's new status as the American Embassy by snapping up the USA national team shirt. With Clint Dempsey having agreed a move to join Brian McBride and Carlos Bocanegra, and Chris Coleman still keen on Oguchi 'Gooch' Onyewu, west London is becoming a home-from-home for exiled Yanks. The retro-style shirt – which puts me in mind of a Nike-sponsored Escape to Victory – is reduced to £19.99 at Kitbag. Click here to buy it. More kits on Pies
[Rob Parker]

Fulham close in on Roma's Vincenzo Montella

Fulham are close to completing a six-month loan deal for Italian striker Vincenzo Montella. The 32-year-old is expected to finalise the move later today. Nicknamed Little Aeroplane in honour of his aviation-themed goal celebration, Montella cost Roma €25 million when they bought him from Sampdoria in 1999. Although he has struggled with injuries in recent seasons I still think this could be a good bit of business by Chris Coleman, and this is why:

More Fulham news and features on Pies

[Rob Parker]

Fulham 'keeper cleared of serious injury

I normally have a little whince when there is a horror injury in football, but I'm strong of stomach and watch on largely unflustered. However, that changed yesterday when I screamed like a girl when Antti Niemi fell on his neck and went all wrong-ways. Well, after being aghast at the whole thing, I was thrilled to hear that he's been released from hospital after doctors cleared him of any spinal injuries.

The Finland international won't be playing in the FA Cup third-round clash with Leicester on Saturday but may not be sidelined for half as long as it had originally been feared. All together now... PHEW! To find out more about the incident, read over.

Niemi fell on his head from a considerable height after trying to clear the ball from the edge of his own area with a header. After landing awkwardly (and that's putting it mildly), the sickener halted play for seven minutes during the goalless Watford. Immidiately after impact, Niemi writhed in agony on the pitch with worried players stood over him. The 'keepr was immediately taken for x-rays and a statement on the website, fulhamfc.com, said: "The club can now announce that Antti Niemi, having been reviewed at the ground by a spinal surgeon, was taken to hospital where he was reviewed by the doctors there and was cleared of any spinal cord or spinal column injury. Therefore, the injury sustained is believed to be related to the soft tissue (the ligaments and muscles).

It continued "Antti has been released from hospital and is currently not in a neck brace. But he is being reviewed by the Fulham medical team constantly and will undergo further investigations over the next few days, after which a full prognosis will be issued."

Fulham boss Chris Coleman said "We were very worried about Antti. It didn't look very good from the replay. He fell very awkwardly. He has got some damage to his neck but he can feel his arms and legs, so that's all right. It looks worse on the replay than it actually was but we don't know when he will be back. The most important thing is for him to get better." [Mof Gimmers]

Everton want to swap Lada for Rolls Royce (or at least Simon Davies for Luis Boa Morte)

Sneaky Everton are apparently trying to con Fulham into swapping Luis Boa Morte (the Cottagers' skipper and talisman) for Simon Davies (mediocre Welsh midfielder). The Mirror reports that the Toffees want to exchange £8 million-rated Boa Morte for Davies, a player they paid an over-inflated £4 million for last year.

You have to wonder whether Chris Coleman or one of the Fulham board might notice that they are being ripped off before the deal goes through! Besides, why would Boa Morte want to leave the comfort and warmth of his Fulham shirt?

[Rob Parker]

Lord Stevens to name innocent clubs?

Lord Stevens is being urged to name innocent clubs today that are not involved in his bungs investigation. Several club chairmen will put their case at a meeting today, arguing that their clubs have been tainted by accusations after Lord Stevens announced that there were a total of eight clubs and 39 deals under investigation.

An FA Premier League shareholders' meeting will take place in London today and there may be a vote forced on the issue. It is thought that the motion to disclose will be passed just because several chairmen will not dare put up their hands to vote against in fear of implying guilt. So, if Lord Stevens does name the clubs, who do you think they'll be? Obviously Bolton will be fancied after the Panorama debacle, but who else is dodgy? [Mof Gimmers]

[via 365]

FA to look into coin throwing incidents

The FA has launched investigations into the two coin-throwing incidents at the West Ham/Arsenal and Fulham/Everton matches that took place over the weekend. On Saturday, Fulham's Claus Jensen was hit by a coin thrown by an Everton fan in their 1-0 victory at Craven Cottage and Gunners' striker Robin van Persie was struck by 2p at Upton Park on Sunday during the Gunners' 1-0 defeat.

An FA spokesman said "we will be looking at the referees' reports and speaking to the relevant clubs. We want to see what steps the clubs are taking to identify who is responsible. The key thing is to identify those responsible and make sure they are dealt with appropriately."

Fulham boss Chris Coleman and West Ham manager Alan Pardew have both called for some tough action against the perpetrators. Coleman said: "I hope the offender is identified. It was a coward who threw the coin. Send him to prison or somewhere away from football."

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time Everton fans have come under the spotlight. The Merseyside team were criticised over the abuse given to Joey Barton with regards to his brother. The result of the stick given was for Barton to flash his arse at them, but as usual, the Everton fans went unpunished. Obviously, David Moyes was first to condemn the coin throwing saying that "It's unsavoury when that happens... they should be banned", which of course, they should.

Aside from managers calling for action, how do you stop these things from happening? The stewards don't seem to be up to the job. As Joey Barton said when talking of the Everton fans, "If I can hear the abuse from thirty or forty yards away, why can't the stewards hear it when they are stood a matter of metres away?" Of course, stewards are great at asking home fans to sit down when they've leapt up, but seemingly allow different rules to the away ends. A steward's job is to watch the fans and keep tabs on trouble makers, but as this weekend has shown, two seperate incidents can go unnoticed with slack jawed stewards stood around... probably watching the game. [Mof Gimmers]

George Best Gets On The Money

Ulster Bank have decided to honour Northern Ireland's most famous son. They've decided to introduce a limited edition £5 note in honour of 60s soccer legend (and general booze hound lothario) George Best. The commemorative fiver will be limited to a run of one million notes and will be available through Ulster Bank branches across Northern Ireland and by mail order for fans worldwide.

If you want one, you'll have to wait until November 27th which marks the one year anniversary of Best's snuffing of the lid. You'll be able to pick one up in any Ulster Bank branch and for those of you who aren't local to one, a website will be online from November 13th to purchase one mail order. The site isn't yet online, but you'll be able to find it nearer the time at GeorgeBestFive.

[Mof Gimmers]

via RetroToGo

Volzy still loves David Hasselhoff

Fulham's Moritz Volz has been trying to move away from his reputation as the Hoff's number one fan. High profile media coverage of his obsession plus the fact that Hasselhoff is now the public face of Fulham's sponsors Pipex led to Volzy distancing himself from his idol.

In his 5 October diary entry, a moody Volzy said: "I've played in the last four Fulham games and the only time the papers seem to want to quote me is when I mention the Hoff. Maybe they think it's me who has single-handedly put him back on the map again because, let's face it, he's cruising the country looking for fun at the moment... Think I'm a bit over the Hoff now."

Volzy still loves David Hasselhoff continued

Volzy had soon changed his tune by his diary entry on Monday though, after scoring against Aston Villa in a pair of boots bearing the slogan 'HOFF 2'. He is now boasting of "Hoff-power" and wondering whether to continue with the lucky boots or retire them with a 100 per cent record!

[Rob Parker]

Moritz Volz gives himself food poisoning

We leave Volzy alone for a couple of weeks and he ends up poisoning himself. According to his latest diary (or should that be diarrhea) entry on the lengendary Volzy.com, a homemade pumpkin and prawn soup disagreed with the Fulham full-back on Tuesday night.

He said: "I'm never going through a night like I did last night so that's it - I'm never eating prawns again. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy." Volzy has been named in Fulham's squad to play Aston Villa today so he must be feeling a lot better now.

[Rob Parker]

Premiership goals of the week video

What gets your vote as the best Premiership goal of the week? Our vote goes to Gareth Barry's beauty against Spurs, no question.

10 Most Underrated Players in the Premiership

10 Emanuel Pogatetz (Middlesbrough)
If you want commitment and the odd leg-breaking tackle, 'Mad Dog' Pogatetz is your man. Middlesbrough's Austrian defender 'never, ever gives less than 300%' in games, according to former Boro coach Steve McClaren. Pogatetz is a versatile defender and can play at centre-half, as he has done this season, or left-back. He's the sort of whole-hearted player every team should have. Robert Huth and Sicknote Woodgate may have bigger profiles, but Pog gets the job done.

9 Linvoy Primus (Portmsouth)
Hard as nails, great in the air, excellent dreads. Can play at centre-back or right-back. He's something of a journeyman in British football, but he's the sort of committed journeyman you'd want in your team. Has formed a terrific defensive partnership with Sol Campbell at Portsmouth.
 

8 Franck Queudrue (Fulham)
French Franck may not be the most lovable of players – could be that hint of Gallic arrogance – but he is a class act and very underrated in my books. He's the ideal modern full-back in that he's a decent, committed tackler but he can get forward and put in a mean cross too. He also takes a vicious free-kick.

7 Alexander Hleb (Arsenal)
The Belarusian hasn't scored as many goals for the Gunners as he would have liked, but his overall contribution to the team is often overlooked. Hleb always runs his little socks off and yes, sometimes he resembles a headless chicken, but he's no Robbie Savage. He has great acceleration, no little skill and an eye for a defence-unlocking pass. One for the future, definitely. I know several Arsenal fans who rate him very highly.

6 Pedro Mendes (Portsmouth)
He always seems to hit the headlines for the wrong reasons – think of his long-range goal for Spurs against Man Yoo that was never given and the Ben Thatcher incident. Mendes hasn't had much luck whilst playing in England but he was one of the main reasons that Pompey escaped relegation last season. He's a hard-working box-to-box midfielder and while it's a stretch to compare him to Roy Keane, Mendes is that type of player – a great team man who chips in with the odd cracking goal.

5 Ivan Campo (Bolton Wanderers)
I love Ivan Campo, but probably not as much as Bolton fans love him; Wanderers fans may correct me on this, but surely the Gyppo is the best-loved player at the club? I love Campo's big cartoon hair and his big dumb grin. I love the fact that his name translates into English as 'John Field'. I love watching him play too – he makes the game look so easy. It's easy to dismiss him as a comedy cult hero, but this is a man who helped Real Madrid win the Champions League in 2002. He's class.

4 Mikel Arteta (Everton)
Rangers and Everton fans alike will tell you that Arteta is a huge talent, but the modest Spaniard still doesn't get the credit his creative midfield play deserves. Toffees fans voted Arteta their player of the season for 2005/06, as did his team-mates, which tells you just how much they value him at Goodison.

3 Jussi Jaaskelainen (Bolton Wanderers)
Why is this guy rarely mentioned in 'Best keeper in the Premiership' debates? Shay Given, Edwin van der Sar, Petr Cech and Brad Friedel usually get mentioned ahead of him, but to my mind JJ is a fricking rock. He's a great shot-stopper but he also commands his penalty area with authority – a rare combination.

2 Gareth Barry (Aston Villa)
The clamour for Barry's promotion to the England squad is increasing by the week and with good reason. Barry is the antithesis of the overhyped, overprotected English football star (Lampard, Beckham, Gerrard etc.) – he's modest, hard-working and a true professional. Quite how Stewart Downing gets into the England set-up ahead of him is a mystery to most football fans. He's been the best English player in the Premiership so far this season, no question.

1 Kolo Toure (Arsenal)
Fabio Cannavaro is not the best centre-back in the world. Toure is. You're entitled to disagree with that statement, but you'd be wrong. Even players like John Terry, Rio Ferdinand and William Gallas get better press than Toure, but for my money the Ivorian is the best around. There are no major weaknesses in his game. For a central defender, Toure has astonishing pace, athleticism, strength and skill. He's so talented he could probably play the Makelele/Sissoko/Gilberto holding midfield role too. And whilst Arsenal's defence has been falling apart around him for the past two years, he's remained an absolute rock.

[Ollie, Pies Ed.]

Do you agree with our list? Who have we missed out? Let us know by posting a comment…

The Bung Saga continues with extention to Stevens' enquiry

The Premier League have allowed Lord Stevens a further two months to investigate any irregularities (aka BUNGS!) in recent transfers in the English game. The former Metropolitan Police commissioner and his team have looked into 362 transfers, covering the period from January 1, 2004 to January 31, 2006. Stevens has revealed that 39 transfers involving eight clubs warranted further scrutiny, and Premier League chief exec' Richard Scudamore has granted an extension to this murky inquiry.

Scudamore said on Sky Sports News earlier that "This is something Premier League clubs wanted to do, and has been done with full support of the clubs who wanted a thorough, professional and credible process to deal effectively with any irregular transfer payments. We have as a group unanimously agreed to extend the period of inquiry by two months in order to investigate transfers that are in need of further investigation."

Lord Stevens revealed 39 of the 362 transfers require further investigation over the next two months. Those 39 transfers involve eight clubs.

"I have briefed all of the chairmen and chief executives of Premier League clubs and this interim report remains a work in progress," Lord Stevens told a press conference televised by Sky Sports News. "Quest, under my leadership, has managed to examine 362 transfers and reduced that down from that to 39. They are within the English game and require further investigation before I am prepared to sign them off. These involve eight league teams. The work conducted led me to make a number of observations regarding administration and monitoring of the transfer market. These were made to the chairman and chief executive of the Premier League. Once the enquiry is complete we will report these as recommendations for consideration by the league. I would like to express gratitude to the clubs and regulatory bodies and others involved in the game for their unanimous support."

Lord Stevens revealed that the inquiry team received "good co-operation" from agents after seeking assistance and he also confirmed that "some agents independently requested meetings with the inquiry team."

Lord Stevens also stated that valuable information had been submitted by individuals who were prepared to go on the record, and by those who preferred to release evidence but were unwilling to disclose their identities. With regards to assessing finances, he added: "There will continue to be forensic investigation of entities both offshore and onshore. There also will be further meetings with appropriate clubs." This won't include Sheffield United, Reading or Watford  who weren't in the top flight during the time frame of the investigation. Nor will it include Leeds (who were) as they did not trade any players during the period under investigation.

"This is not an easy inquiry but we will do everything in our powers to make sure it is a successful one," said Lord Stevens. "We will focus, we will be thorough, and we will get to the bottom of what the problems are." Richard Scudamore added further "If there is any criminal activity we will pass that to the police." Scudamore admitted he was "disappointed" to learn that 11% of transfers - 39 deals - justified further investigation. "I'm unhappy that it's not nought," he said at the press conference. "I sat before you seven months ago and said we're doing this because we don't know. I didn't expect it to be nought, but I'm disappointed it's not nought. The clubs are absolutely fed up with the negative speculation and there is no resistance from clubs to co-operation."

Scudamore vowed that his body would give their full respect to the Stevens' report findings. "If there is anything [found to have] gone on, Lord Stevens will hand over the relevant information and we will deal with it." Lord Stevens underlined the importance of the enquiry saying  the results "will be absolutely essential for the future of this game. We are in possession of unprecedented information that has come in. This is unprecedented and that's why we've got confidence in what we're doing and why you'll have to wait another two months."

[Mof Gimmers]

Volzy is at it again!

Mauritz Volz is fast becoming a favourite with all the writers on WhoAteAllThePies. Why? Something to do with his hilarious blog that makes him seem as daft as a box of frogs.

Not only is he content with riding his fold-up bike everywhere he goes, a huge fan of Del Boy from Only Fools and Horses and happy to dedicate a section to The Hoff on his website... but a Tom Waits fan too! In a recent compilation he got from a friend's iPod, he decided to share his ears with us.

Read over for the full tracklisting.

Say Hello – Deep Dish

Mr Brightside (Remix) – The Killers

Town Called Malice – The Jam

Suspicious Minds – Elvis

Born of Frustration – James

Made of Stone – Stone Roses

I Think I’ll Call It Morning – Gil Scott Heron

Sunset – Kate Bush

Grapefruit Moon – Tom Waits

Always on my Mind – Ryan Adams

Pocket Full of Money – Jens Lekman

Hoppipolla – Sigur Ros                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

[Mof Gimmers]

Michael Brown's nasty tackle on Ashley Cole. The boy's got form

Fulham's Michael Brown was fortunate to escape without a red card after a nasty tackle on Ashley Cole on Saturday (was that an Arsenal fan muttering something about karma?!). It now seems certain he will not face any further action for the challenge. There is no need for a News of the World exclusive a la Ben Thatcher to see Brown's track record - a simple trawl through YouTube should do the trick.

Michael Brown's nasty tackle on Ashley Cole. The boy's got form continued

This was on the opening day of the season when Brown stamped on Ryan Giggs' knee.

I heard a couple of pundits mention the Giggs incident, but I was surprised nobody brought up this wild tackle on Sean Davis at the end of last season.

[Rob Parker]

News Balls: Javier Mascherano linked with Juventus move

Javier Mascherano to continue his tour of unusual destinations for top players with a move to Serie B Juventus [Mirror]
Craig Bellamy and Stephen Carr involved in Anfield tunnel 'spat' [Guardian]
Leeds to move for Dennis Wise after sacking Kevin Blackwell [Mirror]
Ljungberg: 'Arsenal need to get tough' [The Sun]
Mourinho claims Chelsea match is the World Cup final for Fulham players [Sporting Life]   

Fulham top of the Premier League!

Fulham fans, rejoice! Your team is currently top of the Premiership injury league, with an impressive eight players stuck on the physio table! They are: Boa Morte (fractured cheekbone), Christanval (knee), Bouba Diop (thigh), Bullard (knee), Elrich (knee), Milsom (back), Pembridge (calf), Elliott (calf).

Boa Morte's cheek injury means Fulham knock Charlton off the top of the table. Ian Dowie's team has seven crocks (Hughes, Reid, Diawara, Traore, Sorondo, Gibbs, Thomas). Arsenal are in third place, with six injured players (Van Persie, Henry, Clichy, Senderos, Diaby, Lauren).

According to The Physio Room, who provide these stats, only one Premiership club currently has no injured players – stand up Portsmouth. It's surely no coincidence that they're top of the real league.

Miserly Moritz Volz fleeces his Egyptian mate

We love a football nutter here at Pies. Barmy Fulham defender Moritz Volz is one of our favourites - probably second only to Ian Holloway, in fact. While some of football's more compliant characters were partaking in a spot of international football last week, Volzy went on a holiday to Egypt.

Miserly Moritz Volz fleeces his Egyptian mate continued…

The Premiership defender - who is therefore probably on Premiership defender's wages (although with Volzy you never know!) - had all his expenses for the trip covered by his Egyptian mate Khalid. The pair had only met at this summer's World Cup. Volzy wrote in his website diary: "Was made to feel very welcome by everybody - and Khalid paid for absolutely everything. He wouldn't let me get my wallet out!" How tight can you get? Bearing in mind this is a man whose extravagant spending stretches to a seven-year-old VW Golf and a folding bicycle!

[Rob Parker]

Fulham's Jimmy Bullard out for the season with knee injury

The Who Ate All The Pies campaign to get Jimmy Bullard into the England squad is over quicker than you can say: "Ouch, Scott. Please get off my knee." Fulham's chimney sweeping midfielder is likely to be out for the rest of the season after scans revealed damage to the cruciate ligament sustained when he dislocated his knee against Newcastle on Saturday.

Fulham had originally played down the injury despite it looking very nasty on TV. For those of you with a morbid curiosity, here it is again (we know you are the same people who are watching the Steve Irwin video!).

[Rob Parker]

Moritz Volz: one man and his folding bicycle

Who Ate All The Pies favourite Moritz Volz has been at it again. The barmy Fulham defender has revealed he travelled to the match against Sheffield United (a home match, thankfully!) on his trusty folding bicycle. And - as if the image of a Premiership footballer travelling to matches on a folding bike wasn't funny enough - he did it while wearing his club suit.

Volzy said: "Good to have a bit of sunshine again - has given me a chance to get around my hood on the folding bike. Cycled to the stadium on Saturday for the Sheff Utd game - in my club suit!! Just about avoided the rain but it's better than driving." [Via Volzy.com]

Rob

Transfer deadline looms: 5 last-minute rumours

The summer transfer window will close tomorrow, blown firmly shut by a chilly, autumnal gust. Several big-name British clubs haven't finished spending though. Panic buying, anyone? Here are the five hottest transfer rumours:

1 Ashley Cole is stuck at Arsenal
Argghhhh! Jesus wept, does anyone still care about the Cole/Chelsea/Arsenal love triangle? If you do, at least it seems like there's an end in sight - The Daily Telegraph reports that Cole's move to west London is off, I repeat, OFF! Arsenal have refused to accept less than £20m for the left-back, whilst the champions got paranoid that Cole was on offer to other clubs at a lower price and turned their back on the deal. Phew, thank God for that. (Still, it's a good excuse to publish a pic of Cole's lovely missus, Cherly Tweedy)

Transfer deadline looms: 5 last-minute rumours continued…

2 Tottenham to sign Steed Malbranque and Pascal Chimbonda
According to The Guardian, Spurs are ready for a last-minute plunge into the transfer market – haven't they tinkered with their bloated squad enough already? – with the signings of Fulham outcast Steed Malbranque (for £2.5m) and Wigan turncoat Pascal Chimbonda (for around £5m). White Hart Lane = the last refuge of the footballing scoundrel. To balance the books, Wayne Routledge (Fulham) and Lee Young-Pyo (AS Roma) will leave north London.

3 Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano go missing, putting Arsenal and Man Utd on red alert
The two Argentine stars have gone AWOL from Corinthians, their Brazilian club side, sparking a frenzied football man hunt. The Sun maintains that Arsenal are favourites to land Tevez, for £18m, while Man Yoo may put in a last-minute bid for Mascherano, as compensation for their failure to sign either Tevez or Owen Hargreaves.

4 Steven Appiah on his way to Portsmouth
'Appy Harry Redknapp is 'on the brink of completing the signing of the Ghanaian captain Steven Appiah' – so says The Independent. The fee is reported to be around £6m. Appiah was very impressive in the World Cup this summer, and would be an excellent addition to Pompey's squad.

5 Martin O'Neill prepares last-minute bid for Jermain Defoe
The Mirror claims that 'Martin O'Neill is ready to make a £9m bid to sign Tottenham striker Jermain Defoe before tomorrow's transfer deadline'. Aston Villa's new manager has offloaded Kevin Phillips to West Brom and has identified Defoe as the ideal replacement. Defoe can't get a regular game under Martin Jol, but I can't see Spurs letting him go.

Michael Brown's two footed lunge at Giggs

Tis the season for horror tackles and related. Ben Thatcher, a name not known to most before this week. Roy Keane (lord of the horror tackle) in managers job. And the newest to the fray, Michael Brown. Little Brownie has been involved in a few terrible tackles, and his latest came against ManYoo... or to be more precise, Ryan Giggs' shins. Here's the tackle again, just in case you missed it.

Mof Gimmers

Jimmy Bullard, he'll save every one of us

C'mon Stevie Mac, it's time you picked JB, everyone's favourite chimney sweep/midfield general for England. The campaign starts here [As seen in Guardian Unlimited's latest footy gallery]…

Is Michael Brown the new Ben Thatcher?

I still haven't seen video footage of Michael Brown's stamp on Ryan Giggs, but Fulham fans tell me it was bad - although not as bad as Ben Thatcher's forearm smash. Fergie is certainly pissed off about it.

It's not the first time Brown has been the perpetrator of a dodgy tackle. Is he the new Ben Thatcher?

Scholes video - just for Fulham fans

Just for all you Foolham fans out there who had their fingers crossed about Rooney and Scholes suspensions, here's what you could have been missing. Enjoy. Although you could see this too... not enjoyable at all...(NSFW)

Mof Gimmers

One to watch: Jimmy Bullard, Fulham

Jimmy Bullard is a great midfielder. As Kevin Keegan might say, he's full of 'legs and energy'. Don't know how Wigan let him leave for Fulham, but Chris Coleman is obviously delighted with his new signing.

Bullard is also a nutter (not a hardman, just a mad English 'character'), as this YouTube clip of him in the JJB changing room shows. He's the one in the bin…

Moritz 'Volzy' Volz's most excellent website

From Moritz Volz's awesomely entertaining website, Volzy.com:

'Here's a bit about me – I LOVE Little Britain and Only Fools & Horses. Del Boy is a legend. I spend as much time as I can riding around the streets of Fulham on my folding bike. The folding bike should be an Olympic competition by the way – I'm going to win gold in 2012. I'm still trying to get my maths A-Level (third time lucky!) and I'm also Fulham's PFA Representative. Even though I'm German, I promise that I know a few jokes - but being German also means that I worship the Hoff.'

Who said Germans have no sense of humour? Pay special attention to Volzy's diary: it's up there with Ann Frank's and Samuel Pepys's.

Rumour Tuesday

Arsenal's £10m bid for Marseille's French winger Franck Ribery (pictured) will be dwarfed by a £26m Real Madrid offer. [The Guardian]
Real Madrid also want Man Utd defender Gabriel Heinze, for £10m. Is that steam coming out of Fergie's ears? [The Sun]
Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger ready to pounce for Gigi Buffon (as a Jens Lehmann replacement), depending on outcome of the Italian match-fixing trial. [The Mirror]
Birmingham's £3m bid for Fulham striker Collins John has been accepted. [Birmingham Mail]
Gareth Southgate tells Spurs, 'Hands off Stewart Downing'. [Daily Mail]

Rumour Tuesday continued…

Other bits and bobs for your consideration –

Portsmouth up their bid for Gareth Barry to £4.25m •Djibril Cisse to spend this season on loan to Marseille •Blackburn in for Villa defender Mark Delaney on a free •West Brom to hold talks with Swiss national keeper Pascal Zuberbuehler •Boro want Bret Emerton off Blackburn, for around £1.5m •Gary Megson will pip Paul Ince to be new Wolves boss

Fulham's new kit has thumb holes. Wtf!

This season I will mostly not be wearing… a football shirt with thumb holes. I repeat, thumb holes. What the hell were the designers at French sports company Airness thinking when they put frickin' thumb holes in the new Fulham kit? What possible purpose does a thumb hole serve, apart from making a laughing stock of your team? Luis Boa Morte looks confused and can you blame him? If this is indeed true and not an internet spoof, then Jimmy Greaves was right – football is 'a funny old game'.