Who Ate All The Pies

Steven Gerrard learns that he won't have to play alongside Frank Lampard tonight…

Frank Lampard out of Andorra game with broken wrist. Be still our beating heart

Disaster strikes! Frank Lampard is out of the Andorra game after breaking his wrist during a training session - the country owes a debt of gratitude to Wayne Rooney, whose shot struck Lamps.

What we need now is for Gerrard and Hargreaves to play a blinder in central midfield and for Steve McClaren to wake up to the fact that Gerrard and Lampard will never play well together, ever. Oh, that's cheered me up no end.

PS Still getting to grips with our new publishing platform, so apologies for the lack of posts today. Will be back to normal tomorrow, we promise.

Burmese keepy-ups video

This lot make Cristiano Ronaldo look like Gavin McCann.

Pies moving house, crockery may get broken

If you've been having any problems with Pies in the last 24 hours (I know I have!), it's almost certainly due to the fact that we're currently in the process of switching publishing platforms. We should be fully settled in to our new shiny new home very soon, and ready to push for automatic promotion. Thanks for your patience. Ollie, Pies Ed.

Benjani brawls with Peter Ndlovu

It's a fight to strike fear into the heart of the most accomplished of boxing MCs: Benjani Mwaruwari v Peter Ndlovu. The two Zimbabwe internationals scrapped it out at their team hotel after rowing over an ex-girlfriend. Portsmouth striker Benjani and former Coventry City player Ndlovu smashed windows and tables at Harare's Crest Lodge Hotel. Benjani - already eyeing up his next fight (with the missus) - said: "I don't fight about girlfriends. I have a lot of them, and I am married." [Via Mirror, Rob Parker]

Shit England manager week: Kevin Keegan thinks he abuses Jean

Women of the world, wouldn't you love it, just LOVE IT, if you could go out with the hotness that is Kevin Keegan? Just watch how he carries his blouson/jacket over his shoulder, not to mention the exemplary way he treats his lovely wife Jean…

Shit England manager week: David Beckham's Photoshop School

'Hello, David Beckham here, writing this in my LA mansion. Welcome to my Photoshop School, where talented young Photoshoppers can come, for a small (well, large actually) fee and learn proper mad skills off me, innit. This week I done a poster wiv Sean Penn and that nasty man Steve McClaren, who's so stupid he won't ever pick me again. I also included a moody pic of Frankie Lampard, who's rubbish at dead balls, unlike me who's the best dead ball-kicker in the world, at least that's what adidas tell me to say, innit. Gotta go now, the phone's going… Victoria… VICTORIA! That little Scientology fella's on the phone again…'

Shit England manager week: Steve McClaren vs Garth Crooks

Crooks tries to break Steve 'Dead Man Walking' McClaren's spirit but the Mac's got his game face on – you know, the one where he looks like a National Express driver emerging from his coach's toilet after a Glasgow-to-London long-haul journey.

Tremendously topical YouTube video: Ruud van Nistelrooy's goal celebration, Holland vs Andorra

A random YouTube search for 'Andorra' threw up some Eurovision Song Contest bollocks and this memorable goal celebration by RVN. Having been taunted by Andorra's players for missing a penalty, Ruud gets his own back in his own special (ie. childish) way.

The 10 Greatest Football Books, part 2

Here's the second part of our Ten Greatest Football Books list. You can read part one here.

My Father and Other Working-class Football Heroes, by Gary Imlach
Like Nick Hornby's Fever Pitch, My Father… is more of a memoir than a straight football book. Imlach, whose face you may know from his time presenting TV coverage of American football and the Tour de France, tells the story of his complex relationship with his footballer father, Stewart Imlach, a talented winger who represented Scotland at the 1958 World Cup. When Imlach Snr died, the author realised that he never really knew his father as a man, but merely in terms of his achievements on a football pitch. This touching book won William Hill's 2005 Sports Book of the Year and deservedly so – like most good sports books, this is about so much more than a game. BUY IT

Futebol: The Brazilian Way of Life, by Alex Bellos
What does football mean to Brazil and vice versa? Many of the answers can be found in Bellos's rigorous study of the beautiful game and its inextricable relationship with the mythical yellow shirt. Although there is a whiff of the dissertation about Futebol… Bellos is a good enough writer to ensure that the book's tone reflects the gloriously colourful subject matter – if this is a history lesson, then you won't want the end-of-lesson bell to ring. BUY IT

Stamping Grounds: Liechtenstein's Quest for the World Cup, by Charlie Connelly
Football is a great subject for a standard travelogue, Liechtenstein less so, you might think. However, put the two together and Bang! you have literary dynamite, or something like that. Stamping Grounds is the classic tale of the underdog. It follows Liechtenstein's attempt to qualify for the 2002 World Cup; Connelly travels to all of its qualifying matches… hang on, this isn't really selling it, is it? Suffice it to say, this is a very funny, well-written book about a very quirky little country. Perfect holiday reading material. BUY IT

The Ball Is Round: A Global History of Football, by David Goldblatt
If Alan Partridge were reviewing this book, he'd say something along the lines of 'Oof, big book isn't it? Wouldn't want to drop it on my foot!' And it is a big, big book – almost 1,000 pages long. It covers the brilliant careers of Pele, Maradona and Best, the great teams in history (Brazil 1970, Hungary in the 1950s) and generally aims to explain how football has developed since its conception into a global monster. That Goldblatt can take this bewildering mass of material and transform it into a coherent whole is admirable. Every football fan should find the time to read it; 990 pages and you'll still want more. BUY IT

Soccer in Sun and Shadow, by Eduardo Galeano
The lyrical title says it all. This is a book written from the heart and as such it's infused with a joyful admiration of the game. Like the songs of The Beatles, we know the major football histories and characters so well that it's difficult to find new ways to describe them. But Galeano, a distinguished Uruguayan journalist and author, succeeds. The English translation captures beautifully the poetry and passion in Galeano's writing. BUY IT

So what did we miss? If you feel that we got it wrong or left out one of your favourites, let us know…

News Balls: Steve McClaren and Terry Venables close to split and more juicy news balls

El Tel and Smac - another showbiz divorce for Max Clifford to deal with? [Guardian]
Ronaldo pledges to stay at United [Mirror]
Mido to move out of the Dracula-shaped shadow of Dimitar Berbatov and to Manchester City [Mirror]
City will also be splashing the cash to keep Micah Richards away from Manchester United [MEN]
Steve Coppell can take his coat off after signing two-year deal at Reading [Football 365]

David Beckham to live the Herbalife at LA Galaxy

Health firm Herbalife are the latest business to buy into Brand Beckham after becoming the new shirt sponsors of LA Galaxy. The company flogs weight loss and nutritional products, despite a logo and name which make it seem like the friendly face of marijuana dealing!

Herbalife has signed a deal worth between $3.5 million and $5 million every season until 2011 with Beckham's new team, which should cover his wages for a couple of hours! LA Galaxy are the second MLS side to take advantage of new rules allowing them to sell shirt sponsorship. [Via SoccerFiesta, Rob Parker]

Classic Moment: England 4-2 Croatia, Euro 2004

Remember when Wayne Rooney used to score goals for England? Vaguely? Well, his last two competitive goals for England were this pair he scored against Croatia at Euro 2004. Check out some excitable commentary from John Motson, including the prophetic: "Is there nothing this boy can do!"

[Rob Parker]

Kit Parade: Newcastle United 2007-08 home shirt

The release dates for the new kits seems to get earlier and earlier each season. Newcastle's home shirt for next season is already available for pre-order ahead a 2 May launch. Out go the traditional stripy sleeves in favour of an a much more black affair. Think more zebra than bar-code for the 2007-08 season! Click here to pre-order. [Rob Parker]

Hawar scores from his own half in UAE President's Cup

If it had been David Beckham or Xabi Alonso we would have all been raving about, so why shouldn't we get excited about Hawar scoring from his own half for Al Ain against Al Shaab in the UAE President's Cup last month. This was the winning goal in a 3-2 victory. Not bad!

[Rob Parker]

Lampard: Master thumb wrestler

Ladies and gents. Pies can finally reveal something that Frank Lampard is great at (which many people have been wondering after yet another woeful performance in an England shirt). Yes folks, Lamps is great at beating Kalou in a thumb wrestling match whilst wearing a Mexican wrestling mask. Stops us looking at that face which he's stolen from KD Lang.

Is the England camp falling apart?

England can't score. We've got a rubbish manager who can't help to stop negative play and it's all infuriatingly boring. For any Englishman, this isn't exactly news, but what is worrying about the current set-up is the lack of drive, willingness to perform and a dressing room that looks about as harmonious as George Best's relationship with his liver. Is England's rot caused by a broken spirit?

Reports have filtered through the press claiming that Wayne Rooney has reacted angrily at being singled out for criticism following the Euro 2008 qualifying draw in Israel. England gaffer McClaren said: "It's ridiculous. We couldn't believe it inside the camp. It is an absolute load of rubbish. Everyone is together and know what we need to do." Everyone's together? Does that statement alone not leave the alarm bells ringing?

Managers and coaches usually claim harmony during turbulent times in the dressing room. Whilst saying 'nothing to see here...' McClaren has had to dismiss speculation that his relationship with his assistant Terry Venables had become strained. The England boss said "An absolute load of rubbish once again. It's an overreaction and about people having other agendas. The camp is very strong and there is great belief. My staff are all very good and working together. We stick together, we get advice from everybody including Terry - great advice. But, ultimately, I'm in charge and it's my neck on the block."

After a series of dire results and a lack of potency up front, McClaren laughed off any talk of him stepping down from the England job. "My desire is greater than ever. We know what direction we have to go and we know we need to produce and perform. We understand the fans' reaction and everyone else's but we feel it was over the top." I can understand that McClaren has to try and ease the unrest felt by the fans, but surely he can see that England face an incredible task to reach the European Championships? It is looking like we will have to win all of our remaining games, which include two tricky ties against Guus Hiddink's Russian outfit who, at the minute, look like they could paste England at the moment.

With all this unrest, England's future looks a bit bleak. However, adversity has suited England sides in the past, so maybe we can grind out the results and look hopefully towards the finals. The worst aspect of this whole situation is just how every England fan's worst fears have come true with the style of McClaren. We all feared that he'd taken up the dull football of Sven, albeit with even less tactical guile. Looks like we've all been proven right... and now it's time for Macca to prove us all wrong. [Mof Gimmers]

Moritz Volz loves the English weather

Fulham defender and unofficial English Tourist Board spokesman Moritz Volz has leapt to the defence of the English climate. The German told The Guardian's Small Talk [Cue Land of Hope and Glory in the background]: "It's not as bad as people say it is. England has to be one of the most beautiful countries in the world when the sun is out. People have this idea, probably from Agatha Christie and Sherlock Holmes, that England's always rainy, but it's nice and mild: you have flowers blossoming here as early as February. I can't knock the weather, but mind you I've never lived in Middlesbrough." Click here to read the full interview in which Volzy sets the record straight on Hoff. [Rob Parker]

10 reasons why Ian Holloway should be appointed England manager

1 He is not Steve McClaren.
2 Even after a dull 0-0 bore draw with Israel, Ollie would still entertain us with his post-match interview. Whereas McClaren...
3 Ian Holloway could motivate a stone (although whether this is a big a feat as motivating a bunch of overpaid egotists is up for debate!)
4 Ollie is happily married and a true family man. He is therefore unlikely to throw up any embarrassing Sven-style scandals.
5 He would have the balls to substitute Frank Lampard.

10 reasons why Ian Holloway should be appointed England manager continued

6 He's not afraid to stick it to FIFA.
7 He wouldn't be scared of picking David Beckham.
8 The last time England had a half-decent manager it was Mike Bassett and he came from a Championship side.
9 Imagine what he would if he won the World Cup...
10 He's an all-round legend and we love him very much!

What do you reckon? Holloway for England?

[Rob Parker]

Japanese babe plays keepy-up (badly)

At least she plays with a smile on her face. If we can dig up an English grandparent, perhaps she can be the solution to England's left-sided problem? She needs to work on her ball control though… [Via With Leather]

Classic Moments: 'Platttty!!!'

Ah, I remember the days when England had a good manager…

Click below for another classic Turnip clip:

Les! Demand it!!

Israel v England, the real player ratings

Paul Robinson Robbo (pictured, left) failed miserably to score the goals for which he was brought into the side. And he wore gloves when it wasn't even cold. 1/10
Phil Neville His lopsided face only served to upset the balance in the team. Surely Gary/Phil's sister Tracey would be a better bet? One point for at least trying to sing the National Anthem (unlike comrade Gary, who never does). 1/10
Rio Ferdinand Tried gamely to merk Israel's defence with pinpoint passes. Failed gamely too. Solid at the back, in the face of Israel's relentless 'stay in our own half' attack. 2.5/10
John Terry Our Captain Marvel didn't put a foot wrong, or right for that matter. Time to ditch the Foxton's-estate agent haircut though. 1/10
Jamie Carragher The Best Centre-Half in the World (Scouse trademark) was unfairly played out of position, so he gets a full 10/10

Owen Hargreaves Looks like one of Jossy's Giants but plays like a young Carlton Palmer. A truly world-class water carrier. 2/10
Steven Gerrard Wore his heart on his sleeve - messy. No player misplaces passes with such enthusiasm and verve. 9/10
Frank Lampard Stevie Mac needs to build his team around the World's Second Best Player. That way, we'll get rid of the manager in no time. -2/10
Aaron Lennon This tiny man confuses the opposition and his team-mates in equal measure. Fast feet, not-so-fast brain. Shows promise though. 6/10
Wayne Rooney Exposed as the Sergei Rebrov to Cristiano Ronaldo's Andrei Shevchenko. 3/10
Andy Johnson 'Worked the channels tirelessly', when he should have been 'scoring goals tirelessly'. 2/10

Landon 'Landycakes' Donovan, scores a hat-trick (USA vs Ecuador friendly)

So whilst England failed abjectly to trouble the scorers against plucky Israel (and respect to the home side's stalwart defenders), the good 'ole US of America stood as one to applaud this hat-trick, scored by Landycakes for the national team against Ecuador. Watch out for his third goal - it's a cracker:

Pies' new tipster lands 150-1 fourway in first week – we're rich, I tells ya (evil laugh to fade)!

Here's a picture of Ollie, Pies Ed. arriving at work in his new yacht this morning, having cleaned up at the bookies this weekend. Mad props to Lee Honeyball, our new tipster, who landed all four of his live bets in his debut column, adding up to around a 150-1 quadruple.

Mystic Lee correctly predicted that Germany would beat Czech Republic away (great shout), that Ireland would beat Wales at home (bit more obvious), that Chris Boyd would score first for Scotland v Georgia, and that the correct scoreline of Israel v England would be 0-0. Bad luck if you missed out, but keep watching for Lee's second column, this Friday…

Belgium fail to put Cristiano Ronaldo on a stretcher (oh, and he scored against them... twice!)

Cristiano Ronaldo rammed Belgium goalkeeper Stijn Stijnen's threats of violence down his throat as he helped Portugal to a 4-0 victory on Saturday. And he scored two goals against the man who warned he would be leaving the pitch on a stretcher for good measure! Just like England, Portugal made the necessary adjustments after a goalless first-half to run in four second half goals. Pah!

Anyway, the highlights are below and they are worth watching for Ricardo Quaresma's stunning effort with the outside of his right foot for Portugal's third.

[Rob Parker]

Good weekend, bad weekend

Good weekend
Turkey A 1-4 away win in their grudge match against Greece.
David Healy The Northern Ireland striker scored his second hat-trick of the qualifiers against Liechtenstein.
Scotland Still sitting pretty on top of Group B after victory in Georgia.

Bad weekend

[Rob Parker]

Highlights from the England and Israel match

[Mof Gimmers]

Top 10 Football fouls and fights

Did you enjoy the brilliant Top 20 Comedy Football Moments (Vol. 2) t'other day? Well, the flip side of the footballing coin is the ugly bit of the game. This video features the recent spat between Inter and Valencia, but you'd have to look hard to top the horrendous Schumacher hip-tackle that saw Battiston breaking his jaw, losing teeth and very possibly an eye. Possibly.

[Mof Gimmers]

David Beckham's Photoshop School: Israel 0-0 England

Fantasy Friday: week 29

With FA Cup matches decimating the Premier League fixtures a fortnight ago, a Fantasy Friday last week would have been about as well-received as a bronze statue of Ted Bates that looks like Jimmy Krankie. But we're back this week with a vengeance. Click below to see the latest league table.

Fantasy Friday: week 29 continued

This week's league table:

1 Where Was Dean Ashton? (Tommy) 403
2 Strictly Badmanism (Matt M) 381
3 Pauper For Manse (Rob P) 374

4 Modbury Juniors (Ollie) 364
5 Onimans Legends (James) 358
6 Tanghall Tykes (Matt D) 342
7 Dynamo George Vader (Rob W) 322
8 Houssemayne FC (Jan) 321
9 West Country All-Stars (Ben) 310
10 Big Bunch of Lewsers (Lewis) 289
11 Gimmervision (Mof) 283
12 Scrumpy Rovers (Simon) 267
13 Dial Square (Nicholas) 249

14 Villa Rourke FC (Jez) 232
= Felixs X1 (Felix) 232
16 Abney Park Rangers (Ash) 164

Good fortnight for... The chasing pack. Ollie and James both scored 26 to close the gap on third place, which would be... erm me! Run away!

Bad fortnight for... Jez. He picked up just nine points allowing Felix to close the gap.

[Rob Parker]

Top 20 Comedy Football Moments, Vol. 2

We fricking love bloopers. This compilation is perfect for a lazy Friday afternoon (thanks to Pies reader rozkminiacz for the spot). Watch out for the horny Owls at No.2…

Top 10 Footballers who could play Bond villains

No Mr Bond, I expect you to dive…

1 Franck Ribery
Born to play: ruthless scar-faced pyscopath with a bullet lodged in his brain and vengeance on his mind.
See: Robert Carlyle as Renard in The World Is Not Enough.

2 Nemanja Vidic
Born to play: Strong-but-silent SPECTRE heavy who never says a word but is more than capable of taking Bond in a fist fight.
See: Robert Shaw as 'Red' Grant in From Russia With Love.

3 Joleon Lescott
Born to play: Nutty, angular-haired assassin who thinks it's acceptable to sleep with a 103-year-old Roger Moore.
See: May Day, played with appalling woodenness by Grace Jones in A View To a Kill.

4 Andrei Shevchenko
Born to play: poker-playing terrorist sympathiser with a tendency to bleed from his eye. Mmm, nice.
See: Mads Mikkelsen as Le Chiffre in the most recent Bond flick, Casino Royale.

5 Carlos Tevez
Born to play: A South American/East End drug lord with problem skin.
See: Robert Davi as Franz Sanchez in Licence To Kill.

6 Garth Crooks
Born to play: sinister dictator-turned-drug dealer with a penchant for voodoo/asking inane questions.
See: Yaphet Kotto as Mr Big/Dr Kananga in Live and Let Die.

7 Jose Mourinho
Born to play: arrogant, island-dwelling assassin with a deadly aim and three nipples.
See: Christopher Lee as Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun.

8 Frank Lampard
Born to play: short, fat henchman to a man with three nipples (see above).
See: the late, great Herve Villechaize as Nick Nack in The Man with the Golden Gun.

9 Cristiano Ronaldo
Born to play: cocky and reckless young sidekick to South American drug lord.
See: Benicio del Toro as Dario in Licence to Kill.

10 Rio Ferdinand
Born to play: big-haired temptress who likes to play it casual at the back. Yo' got merked beeyatch!
See: Gloria Hendry as double-crossing CIA agent Rosie Carver in Live and Let Die.

[Ollie, Pies Ed.]

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

1 Trelleborg, Juventus, Djurgarden, Stade Rennais, Manchester City (current). Whose career?
2 Only one nation has appeared in more European Championships than England. Which nation?
3 Picture round. Who he?

4 Who is currently club captain of Blackburn Rovers?
5 Which English league club (including the Premiership), has the fewest letters in its full name?
6 The club crest challenge:

Click below to be enlightened…

Answers

1 Andreas Isaakson
2 Germany
3 Martin O'Neill
4 Ryan Nelson
5 Bury
6 River Plate of Argentina

I predict that somewhere out there in the blogosphere, one or more Pies readers will score a maximum six out of six…

THE VOTE The Steve McClaren Israel Situation

How did England get themselves into yet another 'We've got a rubbish manager who we don't want' scenario? Anyway, no use moaning. Pies would like to suggest these two scenarios:

a) We scrape a result against Israel and then end up sneaking into Euro 2008, where we fail to get past the quarter finals because Stevie Mac is clueless.

b) Israel stuff us, and the FA is forced to sack McClaren and hire a decent manager - the catch being that we don't then qualify for Euro 08 because of the position McClaren has left us in. The upside is that we at least have a good manager to build for the next World Cup.

Not sure if I'd go for a) or b). The first choice seems the most likely scenario to actually happen, but that depresses the hell out of me, because it's so familiar to all England fans. I've read opinion from lots of England fans who actually want us to lose to Israel and so enforce scenario b), but no doubt the FA would cock things up again. All views welcome…

PS. Yes, I am shit at Photoshop.

NEW COLUMN Lee Honeyball's top five football bets

Pies is delighted (look at our Steve McClarenesque grin) to welcome Lee Honeyball, former tipster for the Racing Post, Observer Sport Monthly and Guardian Unlimited, into its fold. Lee will be writing a betting column for Pies every Friday, laying out his top five tips for the weekend. Then, on Monday, we'll see how he got on. Away you go, Mr Honeyball:

REPUBLIC OF IRELAND TO BEAT WALES
Forget the infighting, playing in front of 72,000 at Croke Park should be more than enough to inspire Stan’s men to victory in the banker bet of the weekend. The only consistent thing about Wales is poor away form. 4-5 (Boylesports)

STEVE McCLAREN NOT TO BE ENGLAND MANAGER BEFORE 2010 WORLD CUP QUALIFICATION BEGINS Qualifying for Euro 2008 is already precarious and even if England make it, the gaffer whose hairline resembles the Isle of Wight has done nothing to suggest he can stay longer than one tournament. He could even be gone by Wednesday night. 6-5 (William Hill)

ENGLAND TO DRAW 0-0 WITH ISRAEL
One goal in four games and just one win in three away from home. Can you confidently back England at odds-on? McClaren’s men simply can’t afford to lose and if there is no early goal it could easily become a turgid affair. 11-2 (Bet365)

GERMANY TO BEAT CZECH REPUBLIC
Few teams win away to the Czechs but Germany have continued to be the ultimate results nation since finishing third at the World Cup. Seven wins in eight makes them the value call. 2-1 (Bet365)

KRIS BOYD TO SCORE FIRST FOR SCOTLAND AGAINST GEORGIA
Eight goals in his last eight games for Rangers (including two hat-tricks), and Boyd is due one for his country. His old Gers boss Alex McCleish, whose first game this is in charge, knows how to get the best from him. Boyd is down to take spot-kicks, too. 4-1 (Ladbrokes, Blue Square)


All odds correct at time of posting

One to watch: Nani, Sporting Lisbon

Spurs have put themselves at the front of the queue for Portuguese youngster Nani. The 20-year-old is the latest sensation off the Sporting Lisbon production line and has been dubbed the new Cristiano Ronaldo - although the old one might have some life left in him yet. Manchester United are also known to be interested in the attacking midfielder, who is reported to have a £17 million buy-out clause in his contract. Let's see what the kid can do:

[Rob Parker]

Classic Moment: Referee scores a goal in Brazil

The referee's a poacher! In this clip from the 1980s, a Brazilian referee manages to get himself on the scoresheet as he deflects a shot into the back of the net. The man in black is goal-hanging on the back post and finds himself in the right place at the right time. The opposition are understandably not best pleased with this!

[Rob Parker]

French footballer sues his coach for 'calling his honour into question'

A French footballer has launched a defamation lawsuit against his coach for allegedly claiming he was no longer good enough to play for the team. Troyes defender Jean-Louis Montero is suing his coach Jean-Marc Furlan in what is believed to be the first case of its kind.

Montero said: "This has nothing to do with the fact I'm no longer playing. He has called my honour into question on numerous occasions. In an article written on November 28, he said that I was no longer good enough to play in the first division. I have played 200 matches in that league."

French footballer sues his coach for 'calling his honour into question' continued

The 34-year-old is not even playing in the struggling club's reserve team at present. I suppose - if the allegations are true - you could argue that they would be damaging to Montero's career, but he is a daft brave man to step out of line and sue his manager for tittle-tattle. Besides, a day in court listening to evidence about why you are no longer good enough to play top-flight footballer does not sound like a lot of fun! It sounds like he might deserve a place in our sulky French footballers list. [Via The Offside, Rob Parker]

Shaun Wright Phillips and Frank Lampard take on the wibbly wobbly challenge

Welcome to Jose Mourinho's 18-30 holiday camp. First up on today's activities is Frank Lampard and Shaun Wright Phillips on the wibbly wobbly challenge. This is quite possibly the cleanest strike of Lampard's career!

[Via The Offside, Rob Parker]

Shopping Basket: adidas TUNiT 2 football boots

These new TUNiTs are the most advanced footy boots adidas have ever made. They're fully customisable, depending on which surface you're playing on, and their dazzling whiteness will make you look a bit like Cristiano Ronaldo, if not play like him. The boot is now completely seamless which allows for a better touch, while the velcro cover for the laces gives a greater sweet-spot for striking the ball. At least that's the theory. Available from April 07.

The real Shaolin Soccer

Karate kick, go! Ouch, that's gotta sting. As far as I can make it, it's a foul by Anthony Tieku on Leendert van Steensel, committed during a German league match between Koblenz and FC Jena.

Dutch referee in trouble for celebrating an Ajax goal

Dutch referee Eric Braamhaar is in trouble after appearing to celebrate Ajax's fifth goal in their 5-1 drubbing of PSV Eindhoven last weekend. The official - who oversaw Manchester United controversial 0-1 win against Lille in the Champions League last month - was spotted by TV cameras pumping his fist following Kenneth Perez's goal. The official claimed he was pleased at playing an advantage in the lead up to the goal.   

[Via Metro, Rob Parker]

Top 10 goals scored by goalkeepers (with video evidence)

'Tis the season for goalies to get their name on the scoresheet. Like these special chaps…

1 Anonymous dude with a foot like a traction engine
This incredible goal makes me grin like an idiot every time I watch it. Undoubtedly the best ever goal scored by a 'keeper.

2 José Luis Chilavert
The world's most famous scoring goalkeeper is one of the small band of No.1s who have scored more than one goal - but then he did take free-kicks and penalties. The Paraguayan scored an amazing 62 goals in his pro career, a few of which you can watch here:

3 Rogerio Ceni
The only genuine rival to Chilavert's crown, Ceni is still playing, for Sao Paulo in Brazil. He has actually scored more goals than Chilavert. Ceni's tally currently stands at 69 (tee-hee), the most by any 'keeper in the history of the game.

4 Peter Schmeichel
The Great Dane can't match the scoring feats of Chilavert or Ceni, but he did manage to finish his playing career with 10 goals, including this volley, which any striker would be proud of:

5 Hans-Jorg Butt
You have to laugh…

6 Luis Martinez
Columbia's keeper puts one over on Poland's Tomasz Kuszczak. Now I see what Fergie saw in the Pole. Great commentary too.

7 Some Japanese dude
A carbon copy of Paul Robinson's recent effort.

8 Mark Crossley…
…Rises like a wardrobe to equalise.

9 High-school soccer dude
Posted recently on Pies but worth its place.

10 John Kluba
No, we'd not heard of the Continental Indoor Soccer League either. But well done John. Go Twisters!

Blog of the week: Soccer Fiesta, making soccer wonderful again

Soccer Fiesta proudly celebrates 'The Wonderful of Soccer', which is a beautiful sentiment – whether it's meant to be the 'Wonderful World of Soccer' or simply the 'Wonder of Soccer', we're not sure. Either way, we agree with them that, yes, soccer/football (delete where applicable) is bloody wonderful.

Like Pies, Fiesta features news, videos, scurrilous rumours and other cool stuff. If you too appreciate the 'Wonderful of Soccer', why not give 'em a try… LINK

Haiku Corner: Steven Gerrard's MBE

Welcome back to the tranquil haven that is Haiku Corner. Take off your shoes and let us sit a while, to contemplate the more spiritual side of the beautiful game. This week, our Zen-like focus is on Steven Gerrard, the bestest midfielder in the whole wide world ever, who collected his MBE medal on Wednesday.

God save Stevie G!
But please don't pass to Fat Frank
against Israel.

If you have any haiku of your own on this pressing matter, we'd love to read 'em…

Peter Shilton shows Zoo magazine around Wembley

I presume Peter Shilton is working for the FA in some official capacity in helping to open the new Wembley, rather than just lurking in the stadium giving guided tours to anyone who will listen. Here he is showing Zoo magazine around.

[Rob Parker]

Girl in stockings tries to make the Unibond League sound sexy. She fails

Nothing with the word 'Unibond' in the title can ever be sexy – unless, say, I discovered that Scarlett Johansson's middle name was Unibond. [Via Deadspin]

Belgians threaten to put Cristiano Ronaldo on a stretcher

Cristiano Ronaldo will have to leave the pitch on a stretcher after two minutes of Portugal's Euro 2008 qualifier against Belgium on Saturday. That is the claim made by Belgian keeper and Ronaldo's fellow professional footballer (ie someone else who relies on people not putting them on stretchers to make a living) Stijn Stijnen.

The Club Brugge goalie said: "After two minutes we will have massacred him so much he will have to leave the pitch on a stretcher. What else do we need to do? Portugal have greater quality and that’s why we have to do things our way."

Belgians threaten to put Cristiano Ronaldo on a stretcher continued

He added: "We have to play with character and not spare our opponents’ tibias. I don’t think my words are shocking. We’re the visiting team." Sir Alex Ferguson reportedly disagrees and thinks the words are shocking. I'm inclined to agree.

Even if Stijnen does dislike Ronaldo enough to think it is acceptable to deliberately threaten his livelihood, surely he has seen this season that the Manchester United winger is at his best under this kind of adversity. A big own goal by the Belgian, I reckon. [Via The Sun, Rob Parker]

England's first training session at the new Wembley

The England squad trained at the new Wembley stadium for the first yesterday. Coach Steve McClaren led his players in a training session ahead of their Euro 2008 qualifiers against Israel and Andorra. According to The Mirror, the grass did not take very long to cut up with players regularly stamping divets back into the pitch. Groundsman Steve Welch was not too downhearted though. He said: "The pitch is in a much better position than I expected." [Rob Parker]

 

Wayne Rooney's brother stars in a TJ Hughes advert

Wayne Rooney's brother is the fairly familiar face of discount department store TJ Hughes. You see hiring Wayne's brother instead of the man himself saves money in much the same way that shopping at a discount departm... Wait a minute, I see where they are going with this!

[Rob Parker]

Seven sulky French footballers

1 Eric Cantona
The ultimate sulky French footballer, Cantona is so moody that he made it into our 10 Football bad boys list. With a temper to match his brilliance, Cantona's sulks cut short his international career and infamously led to him doing time for kung-fu kicking a Crystal Palace fan.
Sulk highlight: "When the seagulls... follow the trawler... it's because they think... sardines will be thrown into the sea."

2 Nicolas Anelka
The Incredible Sulk has caused friction wherever he has been. Is he one of football's greatest sulkest or just the mouthpiece of his money-grabbing brothers/agents? He manufactured a move from Arsenal - where he played the best football of his career - to Real Madrid... and proceeded to moan as soon as he got there.
Sulk highlight: "I have asked the journalists to stop putting my picture in the papers. If they carry on doing it, I won't talk to them. I play football to have fun, not to be a star."

3 William Gallas
The, erm, versatile defender allegedly refused to play for Chelsea and threatened to score an own goal if picked after one too many games away from his preferred centre-back position.
Sulk highlight: "Mourinho got it wrong with me in the way he approached the situation. He dealt with it badly and put pressure on me. They didn’t cover my place as well as they thought they had and Chelsea have had problems at the back all season."

4 Zinedine Zidane
A footballer as sulky as his skills were silky. Zizou had a surprisingly short fuse which saw him dismissed 14 times during his career, most notably against Italy in the World Cup final for his headbutt on Marco Materazzi.
Sulk highlight: "I can't regret my actions because that would mean he had the right to say what he did. I can't, I can't say that. No, he didn't have the right to say what he did."

5 Frank Leboeuf
A different brand of sulking built on arrogance and resting on World Cup-winning laurels. In 2002 Leboeuf was voted the French league's most overrated and arrogant player by other players. During his infamous appearance on sports panel show They Think It's All Over, the ex-Chelsea man responded to any questions he got wrong with his Sulk Highlight...
Sulk highlight: "I don't care, I won ze World Cup."

6 Thierry Henry
Old Tel loves nothing better than a good sulk, especially if he is underperforming in a big match. He's so hard done by. He is so much better than the defenders he is facing that it would be unfair to make too many runs. Probably best to stand arms outstretched tutting at his team-mates.
Sulk highlight: "It started when I was young. I was 11 or 12 and I used to score goals and my Dad would say, ‘You didn’t [create] any.’ I created some and he said, ‘You didn’t score.’ People who know me know that I’m never satisfied with myself."

7 Laurent Robert
A career defined by regular swings between the sublime and the ridiculous, and equally frequent fall outs with managers. Robert can count Graeme Souness, Alain Perrin and Luis Fernandez among those on the receiving end of his sulks.
Sulk highlight: "We would have won it if Souness had the intelligence to see what was going on. If he keeps going like he has, he'll get fired and deserve it."

[Rob Parker]

News Balls: Berbatov to stay at Spurs etc.

Zinedine Zidane to un-retire himself? [Soccer Fiesta]
Dimitar Berbatov to stay at Spurs next season. Yay! [Soccer Fiesta]
Luke Young called up to England squad. [Addick's Prem Diary]
Rafa Benitez not going to Real Madrid, says his agent. [BBC]
Dean Ashton out for rest of season. Like, duh. [F365]
Oliver Kahn says sorry to doctor for doping outburst [SI]

Southampton's Ted Bates statue fiasco

This is our favourite story of the week, no question:

An 11-foot bronze statue of Southampton legend Ted Bates, erected last week outside St Mary's stadium will now be taken down after fans branded it a 'joke'. Saints' supporters are livid that the statue of Bates, who played for, coached and served on the board at Southampton between 1937 and 2003, was put up with legs the same length as its arms (see photo - it's true!), and a grinning face that bears an uncanny resemblance to former Porstmouth chairman Milan Mandaric (again, I can see their point).

BREAKING NEWS: In fact, it seems the statue was taken down earlier today.

The statue cost £112,000 to make, half of which was raised by fans through the Ted Bates Trust, the other half coming from the club. Members of the Trust were shown pictures of the sculpture before it went up, but insisted that the version they saw was a more accurate likeness.

I'm really trying very hard to sympathise with Saints' fans on this – Bates was a great man and a great servant to the club – but that picture does make me giggle like a little girl.

Dealing with rogue fans, the Keith Richards way

A message to Frank Lampard and indeed any player who is physically threatened by a fan invading the pitch: take a leaf out of Keith Richards' rock 'n' roll tome and come out swinging…

WAG of the week: Alessia Merz

Name Alessia Merz
Nationality Italian
WAG of… Sampdoria star striker Fabio Bazzani. Alessia gave birth to their son last year.
Fame ranking 7/10 - Very famous in Italy, thanks to her work as a model, TV presenter and actress who prefers to hang around wearing not very many clothes. She also starred in the Italian version of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'
Babe ranking 8/10 - a classic Mediterranean beauty. 

Click below to see a few more pix of the divine Ms Merz (just check that your boss isn't looking over your shoulder cause there is some nudity involved…)

More Alessia for your eyes…

And here's some YouTube vid of her singing on an Italian talent show.

Alex 'The Hairdryer' Ferguson told Geoff Shreeves to 'f**k off'. Knight that man again

Fergie blasted Sky Sports' reporter Geoff Shreeves after Man Utd's 1-0 win against Boro in the FA Cup on Monday night. The Man Yoo boss reportedly called poor Geoff a 'f***ing bastard' and told him to 'f**k off' after the reporter questioned Cristiano Ronaldo over the incident that earned United the match-winning penalty.

Upon learning that Shreeves had asked Ronaldo whether there had been any contact before he fell under Jonathan Woodgate's challenge (there clearly was contact, Ed.), Ferguson claimed he was 'disgusted' by the line of questioning. Fergie's hairdryer treatment of Shreeves continued off-camera. According to The Sun, 'Ferguson's foul-mouthed tirade was so loud that a BBC interview with Boro chief Gareth Southgate had to be abandoned'.

To read a full transcript of Ferguson v Shreeves [via The Sun], click below…

The gory details of Shreevegate:

Shreeves: 'I asked him…'

Ferguson: 'F***ing (inaudible) bastard.'

S: 'Don’t talk to me like that.'

F: 'F**k off to you.'