Who Ate All The Pies

I Ate All The Pies t-shirt from Football365

Who ate all the pies? It could be you with this 'I ate all the pies' slogan t-shirt from Football365. The shirt is available up to size XXXXXL (that's five Xs, folks!) just in case you literally did eat all the pies. It cost £14.99 and you can buy it by clicking here.

Rob

UPDATED Tevez and Mascherano sign for West Ham. Bloody hell!

UPDATE Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano have indeed signed for West Ham, and not just on a poxy one-year loan deal - these are permanent signings, folks. Who'd have thunk it?

Of course, there's still much suspicion that Roman Massivelyrichovich – who owns a controlling stake in Corinthians, the Argentine pair's previous club – is behind this coup. Chat forums are abuzz with rumours that Chelski will end up signing the pair in January or at the end of the season, provided they impress at Upton Park. Watch this space.

Top 10 Horror Tackles (with video)

10 Dan Smith on Abou Diaby
Smith broke Diaby's ankle with this awful two-footed lunge.

Top 10 Horror Tackles (with video) continued…

9 Carlo Nash on Dave Kitson
Preston's keeper does his best Harald Schumacher impression.

8 Michael Brown on Sean Davis
Brown likes his two-footed challenges, doesn't he?

7 Marco Materazzi on everyone
The boy's a wild animal!

6 Michael Essien on Didi Hamann
Essien goes over the top. Ouch.

5 Boris Johnson on Maurizio Gaudino
A timeless classic.

4 Michael Brown on Ryan Giggs
Could have ended Giggs' career. Shocking.

3 Roy Keane on Alfie Haaland
'Take that, you c**t!' Lovely chap, Roy. This wasn't too clever either.

2 Harald Schumacher on Patrick Battiston
The daddy of horror tackles.

1 Ben Thatcher on Pedro Mendes
As that loon Highlander might have said, there can be only one No.1. This is it…

Colin Kazim Richards - not always Coca Cola

Sheffield United have a had an offer for wantaway Brighton striker Colin Kazim Richards accepted. The Blades have looked short of proven Premier League quality in the opening stages of the season, so Neil Warnock has chosen to swoop for the untried 20-year-old... Hmmm.

Kazim Richards has only been at the Withdean Stadium for a year since being signed from Bury with money won by a fan in Coca Cola's Win A Player competition. He scored six goals for the Seagulls last season as they were relegated to League One and has been angling for a transfer, well, pretty much since he signed for them.

Rob

Little Hooliganz face Premier League legal action

The Premier League is to take legal action against the makers of Little Hooliganz toys. Blighty Collectibles produces 'firms' of the small figures for every Premier League club, including the Watford Willy Warmers and the Portsmouth Piglet Pelters.

A Premier League spokesman said: "Anything that celebrates or trivalises hooliganism in any form is deplorable." However, the Little Hooliganz website claims: "Instead of fighting on the terraces these days the Little Hooliganz can be found supporting their teams and congratulating the opposition fans win, lose or draw... For now the world of the little Hooliganz is a peaceful place." The products have been taken off-sale while the legal action takes place. [Via Four Four Two]

Rob

News balls: Transfer deadline day special!

For football managers, transfer deadline day must be like Christmas Eve – a mad, sweaty dash to find a half-decent bargain before the shops shut. And more often than not, you end up having to settle for second-best, 'cause they'd run out of what you really wanted.

Here's who wants what, according to the ever-reliable red-tops:

Real Madrid's Julio Baptista (pictured) must decide today if he wants to move to Arsenal. If he does, then perhaps Juan-Antonio Reyes can move in the other direction [The Sun]
Patriotic Sunderland boss Roy Keane in for Irish trio of Liam Miller, Andy O'Brien and Jonathan Douglas [Mirror]
Liverpool still keen on Lucas Neill, Blackburn's unsettled Aussie [Mirror]
'Desperate' Martin Jol waded back in to rescue Stewart Downing from 'Boro… [Mirror]
…But Boro laughed in his face, forcing Spurs to turn their attention to Harry Kewell (see what I mean about settling for second-best) [The Sun]

Newcastle snap up Giuseppe Rossi on loan

Newcastle have agreed a surprise loan deal for highly-rated Manchester United youngster Giuseppe Rossi. The 19-year-old will join the Magpies until January, but will not be available to play against Man Yoo.

Earlier in the summer, Sir Alex Ferguson had ruled out a loan move for his starlet but has backed down at Rossi's request. Ferguson said: "It was a big decision for us especially as we don't have the choice of strikers. But this is something that Giuseppe wanted as he needs regular first-team football." Click below to see Rossi in action. [Via BBC]

Here is what Rossi is all about:

Rob

Neil f***ing Warnock

Neil Warnock may have started wearing a suit now that the Blades are back in the top flight, but he's not fooling anyone…

They don't make 'em like Thomas Gravesen anymore

Tommy Gravesen is madder than a handlebar moustache made out of marmalade, as this video demonstrates. No wonder Celtic boss Gordon Strachan (also quite bonkers) signed him.

Separated at transfer window: Steven Gerrard and Neil Mellor

Just like Siamese twins, Liverpool lookalikes Steven Gerrard and Neil Mellor have been separated. The operation to separate the pair was performed ahead of the end of the transfer window by Preston North End boss Paul Simpson who has snapped up 23-year-old Mellor for an undisclosed fee on a three-year contract.

Rob

Classic HolloWatch: Ian Holloway is Will Smith

More classic lines from one of football's most colourful characters and Who Ate All The Pies favourite Ian Holloway. In this speech to a QPR supporters' club in 2002, Holloway is accepting an award while also wanting to put fans at ease following relegation, the sale of several top players and financial problems. What else could the situation demand except an extended Men In Black metaphor?!

Classic HolloWatch: Ian Holloway is Will Smith continued

Olly: Did anybody see the Men in Black? Well I've got a little black suit on and so has David [Davies, QPR Chief Executive]. We've got a little black bow tie and we've got some glasses and every now and again we are going to have to go PHTTTT with this little thing to lose your memory. Because, what you don't realise is that over the last year, we have been so close to the brink of someone wanting to steal the Galaxy, that we were in big, big trouble. All you can feel, all you can sense is 'What's happening to my club?!' and I understand that. But we can't tell you all the information, because you won't be able to sleep! That's true!

Click here to read the full speech from QPR1st.

Rob

Horror Tackle Wednesday Part 3

The daddy of all horror tackles. A tackle that left Patrick Battiston with a fractured head and missing teeth. Like most horror tackles, it was missed by the ref... in this case, awarding a goal kick to the villianous Schumacher.  Watch how, after the tackle, Battiston's clenched fist fades to nothing, and the sickening movement of his head as the West German keeper's hip collides in the replay. Shocking.

Mof Gimmers

Will Wembley ever get finished?

I'm getting tired of this nonesense going on with the new Wembley Stadium. Brian Barwick, FA cheif clown says it's all the fault of Megaplex. The 'Plex on the other hand are blaming someone else. Someone else probably thinks it's all Barwick's fault... and on and on and on... To be honest, I don't care where the blame lies, I just want to be proud of something for once.

With various shambolic attempts at getting the chance to host the World Cup under our belt, you'd think that the £757million used by the FA would have got us a stadium by now... especially as FIFA are sniffing around our every move to see if we're up to hosting a tournament like the World Cup. Fair enough, we've got the Olympics... but the Olympics is nowhere near as big as football's most prestigious tournament.

It seems that, to have a successful bid, you need a decent set of grounds. Ok, we've got those. You need a flagship stadium to host all the biggies in. Nope. Oh, and a decent transport system to get people from venue to venue. Well, the trains run about as timely as our Wembley. So what can we do? To be honest, I think we're more likely to have a second coming of Jesus Christ than we are a national stadium. The whole thing reeks of mismanagement, much like the terrible Millenium Dome... which incidentally (and ironically) is set to be a huge place for gambling. That's the trouble. Too many gambles and not enough sound decision making. No wonder Adam Crozier ran off to the Royal Mail. Still, at least Sven was £25million well spent eh?

Mof Gimmers

Petrov seals Villa switch

Stilian Petrov has finally succumb to Martin O'Neill's charms and penned a 4 year deal at Villa Park. Aston Villa, long the joke of English football now look set to have a small turn around in fortune with the canny Irishman at the helm, but will Petrov be able to cut it in the Premiership after playing in Scotland all this time? In a deal that's reportedly worth £8million (a rip off), Celtic have already got his replacement in the form of gentleman thug, Thomas Gravesen, although Boro, Bolton, Everton and Newcastle are still in the hunt.

Mof Gimmers

Reading's Leroy Lita arrested after suspected assault

Reading star Leroy Lita was arrested today on suspicion of GBH, after he allegedly headbutted a man during a night out in Bristol. Lita is being questioned by police over the alleged attack, which is said to have taken place in the Haymarket area of Bristol city centre in the early hours of Sunday morning. The 21-year-old striker (no pun intended), who signed for Reading last summer from Bristol City, has been accused of leaving his alleged victim with a black eye. It's understood Lita may be released on bail later today. [Via Football365]

Horror Tackle Wednesday! Part 2

Now this is a real sickener (don't watch if you're of a nervous disposition/eating)…

Horror Tackle Wednesday! Part 1

Karate kick to the head. Bruce Lee would be proud of this one…

Catch 22: Gary or Phil Neville?

In last week's Catch 22 we asked you, who would you rather have at the heart of your team's defence, Jean-Alain Boumsong or Pascal Cygan?

This week, we ask:

If a big, loaded gun was pointed at your head and you had no other choice, which of the lovely Neville brothers would you select to play for your club – Gary (Mr Dependable) or Phil (Mr Dependable)?

Javier Mascherano, PES wonder goal

All Pro Evo Soccer 5 fans know that Javier Mascherano is the best young midfielder in the game. He develops into a little monster. Here's a (virtual) clip of the Argentine in action – he's not quite this good in the real world, but after his mature performances in Germany this summer, I can see why Man Yoo want to sign him.

Premier League team of the week

David James (Portsmouth)
Daniel Agger (Liverpool)
Sol Campbell (Portsmouth)
Linvoy Primus (Portsmouth)
Olof Mellberg (Aston Villa)
Gareth Barry (Aston Villa)
Jimmy Bullard (Fulham)
Joey Barton (Man City)
Mikel Arteta (Everton)
Kanu (Portsmouth)
Darren Bent (Charlton)

A second appearance for both Kanu and Sol Campbell, reflecting Pompey's great start to the season. Do you agree with our choices? Who have we missed out?

Transfer deadline looms: 5 last-minute rumours

The summer transfer window will close tomorrow, blown firmly shut by a chilly, autumnal gust. Several big-name British clubs haven't finished spending though. Panic buying, anyone? Here are the five hottest transfer rumours:

1 Ashley Cole is stuck at Arsenal
Argghhhh! Jesus wept, does anyone still care about the Cole/Chelsea/Arsenal love triangle? If you do, at least it seems like there's an end in sight - The Daily Telegraph reports that Cole's move to west London is off, I repeat, OFF! Arsenal have refused to accept less than £20m for the left-back, whilst the champions got paranoid that Cole was on offer to other clubs at a lower price and turned their back on the deal. Phew, thank God for that. (Still, it's a good excuse to publish a pic of Cole's lovely missus, Cherly Tweedy)

Transfer deadline looms: 5 last-minute rumours continued…

2 Tottenham to sign Steed Malbranque and Pascal Chimbonda
According to The Guardian, Spurs are ready for a last-minute plunge into the transfer market – haven't they tinkered with their bloated squad enough already? – with the signings of Fulham outcast Steed Malbranque (for £2.5m) and Wigan turncoat Pascal Chimbonda (for around £5m). White Hart Lane = the last refuge of the footballing scoundrel. To balance the books, Wayne Routledge (Fulham) and Lee Young-Pyo (AS Roma) will leave north London.

3 Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano go missing, putting Arsenal and Man Utd on red alert
The two Argentine stars have gone AWOL from Corinthians, their Brazilian club side, sparking a frenzied football man hunt. The Sun maintains that Arsenal are favourites to land Tevez, for £18m, while Man Yoo may put in a last-minute bid for Mascherano, as compensation for their failure to sign either Tevez or Owen Hargreaves.

4 Steven Appiah on his way to Portsmouth
'Appy Harry Redknapp is 'on the brink of completing the signing of the Ghanaian captain Steven Appiah' – so says The Independent. The fee is reported to be around £6m. Appiah was very impressive in the World Cup this summer, and would be an excellent addition to Pompey's squad.

5 Martin O'Neill prepares last-minute bid for Jermain Defoe
The Mirror claims that 'Martin O'Neill is ready to make a £9m bid to sign Tottenham striker Jermain Defoe before tomorrow's transfer deadline'. Aston Villa's new manager has offloaded Kevin Phillips to West Brom and has identified Defoe as the ideal replacement. Defoe can't get a regular game under Martin Jol, but I can't see Spurs letting him go.

Dubai residents on red alert for Liverpool fans

Readers of an English language Arab news website have requested information on where the local Liverpool supporters' club meets so that they can keep their cars away from the area. A (hopefully tongue-in-cheek) letter to the editor of United Arab Emirates-based 7Days said knowledge of the Scousers' whereabouts was in the interest of the community.

The letter writer, Paul Brown, claimed members of the public would need to "engage a higher sense of vigilance with regards to their personal belongings and their hub caps," while in the vicinity of the Dubai Reds club. [Via 7Days]

Rob

News Balls: Arsenal close to signing Carlos Tevez

Arsenal are close to completing the £18 million transfer of Carlos Tevez (pictured) [The Sun]
Compulsive wheeler-dealer Martin Jol to sign Pascal Chimbonda and Steed Malbranque [Guardian]
Ashley Cole's move to Chelsea is definitely off... again [Telegraph]
Boro bolster defence with a player who's always injured and another who failed their medical earlier in the summer [Football 365]
Czech defender Pavel Mares announces he's joining Bolton. Does Big Sam know? [BBC Sport]

Man City introduce 'gay scheme'

Manchester City are seemingly gunning for the 'pink pound' with a new initiative to encourage homosexuals to watch the footy in North Manchester. The club has paid a four-figure sum to join the Diversity Champions scheme, run by gay rights group Stonewall. It is the first professional club to join the scheme, which focuses on a range of gay-friendly initiatives.

The club said it wanted to send a welcoming message to gay, lesbian and bisexual supporters, be inclusive and be a progressive employer.

Stonewall's chief executive, Ben Summerskill said: "The work can range from looking at recruitment processes to what's already going on in the workplace, to developing marketing strategies. It is mainly about Manchester City wanting to be an exemplary employer." Mr Summerskill said he believed that a more gay-friendly environment would attract more straight fans, as well as homosexuals, because families were more likely to attend an atmosphere free from homophobic abuse. He added: "If we help to get the club more supporters, more money and better staff, then they will have better training, better facilities, and it is all part of a virtuous circle of success."

The move does beg the question about gay people and their involvement in football. I for one always thought that if a gay person wanted to watch the footy, they'd go anyway, regardless of any initiative. Or am I being naive? With City aiming to attract the gay community into the Bell End (sorry, I really couldn't resist), it does mark the first real effort from any club to 'include' those who may feel chastised away from the sport. Is it only a matter of time before other clubs join in?

Mof Gimmers

Michael Brown's two footed lunge at Giggs

Tis the season for horror tackles and related. Ben Thatcher, a name not known to most before this week. Roy Keane (lord of the horror tackle) in managers job. And the newest to the fray, Michael Brown. Little Brownie has been involved in a few terrible tackles, and his latest came against ManYoo... or to be more precise, Ryan Giggs' shins. Here's the tackle again, just in case you missed it.

Mof Gimmers

Why on earth would anyone like Roy Keane?

Roy Keane is a grade A nitwit. Naturally, I'll have to back this up, but sometimes I wonder why I should bother pointing out the bleedin' obvious. Before arms are thrown dramatically in the air, I'll say that, yes, I'm well aware of the quality of football he (mostly) offered to the World... but really, does that a man really make?

I'm told time and time again that Roy Keane's fire comes from him being a man of honour. It's his integrity in the face of football's jessies that makes him so admirable. Rot. If Keane is a man of honour, then I'm actually a monkey's uncle. Keane, captained his country during the South Korea/Japan World Cup. This is an honour bestowed on only the very very fortunate. Most players talk endlessly of the honour of captaining your national side. Unless you're a sulky Keane who has the attitude of a spoilt 6 year old who has just been told that there aint gonna be a pony for Christmas.

Keane walked out on his country when they needed him most. In Saipan, Keane complained that the facilities weren't good enough for his boys. When some of his 'boys' said 'hang about a minute Roy... things may be a bit tough, but maybe we can triumph over this adversity? Come on... we need to pull together and show the entire World what we can do..." Roy stropped off home. Leading the witch hunt were Keane's colleagues, Jason McAteer (who famously had the toys thrown at him when he made the brilliant 'put that in your autobiography Roy' gesture during a game) and then manager, Mick McCarthy.

Keane's now famous rant against his old coach isn't one for the faint of heart. Roy's diplomacy lead him to tell his gaffer "Mick, you're a liar... you're a fucking wanker. I didn't rate you as a player, I don't rate you as a manager, and I don't rate you as a person. You're a fucking wanker and you can stick your World Cup up your arse. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are the manager of my country! You can stick it up your bollocks" How would Keane deal with that from one of his players? Would he 'fucking stick one on him' like he did to Alf Inge Haaland?

His new boss, who he has seemingly forgotten all about, spoke against Keane after the Saipan incident, with Keane quoted as saying "Niall Quinn? Who is he? Mother Teresa?" before branding him as 'disloyal'. Of course, now Niall Quinn is prepared to throw money at him and give him a chance, good old Keano's morals and principals go straight out of the window.

So, Keane has ended a fellow player's career, and clashed with various managers and branded his supporters as 'prawn sandwich' eaters. I sometimes feel alone in wishing utter failure on Keane, and for the life of me, I cannot understand why anyone would back him up. Let's see if all those United fans calling for Ben Thatcher's head feel the same.

Mof Gimmers

Roy Keane video compilation

Would you want this man to give you the hairdryer treatment?

News Balls: Man Utd make £10m bid for Trezeguet?

Man U make £10m bid for David Trezeguet? [Sporting Life]
Owen Hargreaves: I'm staying at Bayern, boo-hoo [BBC]
Spurs set to re-sign Mido. Er, why? [Football365]
Charlton close to signing Costa Rican winger Christian Bolanos [Guardian]
Arsenal's shock £17m bid for Carlos Tevez [The Sun]

Romanians fear Bulgarian minister's football voodoo

Afraid that Bulgaria's Defence Minister might cast a bad spell over Romania's national football side, the management of the Farul stadium in Constanza didn't let him set foot in the venue, according to local reports. Vesselin Bliznakov, the minister concerned, was carrying some turf from the Vassil Levski stadium in Sofia.

Bulgaria is about to play Romania in a Euro 2008 qualifier, and Bliznakov wanted to help the squad feel at home by leaving the turf inside the Farul stadium. When cornered by Romanian journalists asking whether he had been performing football voodoo, Bliznakov said that this was just a joke.

Those crazy east-Europeans. [Via The Offside]

Arsenal's crap start to the season: what the bloggers say

'It is such a pity we loaned out Bendtner because you feel this kid is the whole package. He is Henry, Adebayor and Van Persie all rolled into one!' [Soccerlens]
'There will be some criticisms about our reluctance to shoot and this week I think they’re justified to an extent. While there’s not much point trying to shoot through a big crowd of players it can’t hurt now and again and you might even get a lucky Lampard, sorry, deflection.' [Arseblog]
'All those vodkas with Vicodin chasers that I frantically slammed down to cauterize the pain of Arsenal's latest limp-dick performance has made me delusional.' [Deadspin]
'Arsenal Ladies have scored 24 goals in the last three matches, without conceding one. Perhaps they could give the first team a nudge in the right direction? Oh, and show them how to take corners.' [Blog FC]
'Arsenal needs to do a number of things immediately after starting the season with humiliation and disgrace on [sic] getting beaten by Manchester City on Saturday. One of the things they need sorted out quickly is the case of Reyes.' [Soccerati]

Sol Campbell & David James in 'reliable' shock

Blackburn at home… Man City away… Boro away - not the toughest start you could have to a league campaign, but you have to say that Portsmouth have surprised everyone to record two wins, a draw and – most impressive of all – three clean sheets. Arsenal fans seemed more than happy to wave goodbye to Sol Campbell but on current form, I'm sure a good percentage of Gooners would have him back tomorrow.

You have to give another unloved veteran credit too – David James is in cracking form and currently looks like the best English 'keeper around.

Sol and Calamity, the stars of the Premier League so far – who'd have thought it?

Classic Moment: Pedro Mendes's disallowed goal, Spurs v Man Utd, 2005

Poor Pedro's not had much luck since he moved to England, has he…

Which was worse - Keane's tackle on Haaland or Thatcher's tackle on Mendes?

All this talk about bad tackles prompted me to go back and watch Roy Keane's revenge-challenge on Alfie Haaland (which ended Haaland's career). It was a disgraceful tackle and 100% premeditated. But was it as bad as Ben Thatcher's mindless charge into Pedro Mendes? Watch Keane's tackle below and let me know what you think…

Weird science: Premier League footballers using babies as 'repair kits'

Premier League footballers are storing stem cells from their newborn babies to use in case of their own career-threatening sports injuries. They are freezing cells taken from the umbilical cord blood of their babies as a possible future cure for cartilage and ligament problems, The Sunday Times reported.

Five professional footballers have frozen their children's stem cells with Liverpool-based CryoGenesis International; London-based Smart Cells has done the same for three Premiership players in the past year.

One anonymous Premier League footballer, playing in the northwest of England, explained: 'We decided to store our new baby's stem cells for possible future therapeutic reasons, both for our children and possibly for myself… As a footballer, if you're prone to injury it can mean the end of your career, so having your stem cells - a repair kit if you like - on hand makes sense.'

Crazy but true. Wonder who the forward-thinking players are – any ideas?

Mark Lawrenson thinks Barcelona's reserves could finish in the 'top four' in the Premier League. Is he talking sh*t?

Football Focus, this Saturday. Barcelona's 3-0 defeat to Sevilla (in Uefa's meaningless Super Cup) comes up, and Lawro spouts some nonsense about how Barcelona's second team are good enough to finish in the top four in the Premier League.

For the record, a Barcelona second team could line-up something like this:

Jorquera; Gio Van Bronckhorst, Lilian Thuram, Oleguer, Sylvinho; Edmilson, Mark Van Bommel, Eidur Gudjohnsen; Ludovic Giuly, Javier Saviola, Santiago Ezquerro

Top six maybe, but top four is pushing it, I think. What say you, Pies readers - is Lawro talking arse? It wouldn't be the first time.

Good weekend, bad weekend

Good weekend
Roy Keane Is this the start of a great managerial career?
Martin O'Neill Set top become a permanent fixture in this column – just as David O'Leary could no right, O'Neill can do no wrong.
David Moyes Everton's manager completes a Celtic hat-trick for 'good weekend'. The Toffees' 2-0 defeat of Spurs at White Hart Lane (and with 10 men for most of the match) was a stunning result.

Bad weekend
Andre Ooijer (pictured) Two defensive errors on Blackburn debut = 2-0 to Chelsea. Oh dear.
Obafemi Martins Taken off on a stretcher on his Newcastle debut. Bring back Shearer!
Thomas Gravesen Wanted by five different clubs (Celtic, Newcastle, Bolton, Middlesbrough and former team Everton), but the bald Dane is concerned he'll be stuck at Real Madrid.

Is Claude Makelele being treated like a slave?

Jose Mourinho claims Claude Makelele is being treated like 'a slave' by France coach Raymond Domenech. Domenech has insisted Makelele reports for Euro 2008 qualifiers against Georgia and Italy, despite the midfielder announcing his retirement. What's the deal? If a footballer says he's retired, he's retired. End of story.

Well, no. It seems common sense is in short supply, as so often is the case when it comes to club v country. Fifa rules state Makelele faces a stiff ban for Chelsea if he does not turn up for France – he would miss two domestic games apiece for each France game he refuses to play. Crazy, but that's Fifa for you.

'Makelele is not a football player – Makelele is a slave,' said a furious Mourinho. He added: 'We have no chance. The rules are there… We know the rules. You are a slave, you have no human rights.'

I agree with Mourinho on this one. What the hell does Domenech think he's playing at?

Jimmy Bullard, he'll save every one of us

C'mon Stevie Mac, it's time you picked JB, everyone's favourite chimney sweep/midfield general for England. The campaign starts here [As seen in Guardian Unlimited's latest footy gallery]…

Sunday news balls

A few titibits to accompany your coffee and croissants:

Arsenal & Man Utd keen on Nigel Reo-Coker [Observer]
Mark Van Bommel off to Bayern Munich - does this mean Owen Hargreaves is going to Old Trafford? [Football365]
Roy Keane formally introduced to Sunderland's players? [BBC]
Swedish police to investigate Henrik Larsson for alleged punch [The Offside]
Sports Illustrated's 'World Soccer Power Rankings'. Hell yeah! [SI.com]

Robin van Persie, the Drumstick Kid

Canada-based Pies reader Dan O'Leary used his mobile to snap this picture, which clearly shows Robin van Persie moonlighting as the face of Nestle Drumsticks ('a bit like a Cornetto,' Dan tells us). Does Arsene Wenger know?

'Ban Thatcher for life' t-shirt

Football365 don't mess about. They've already rushed out this 'Ban Thatcher for life' t-shirt – I've not known an incident provoke such ire among the football community. Thatcher's a marked man for the rest of his career; to be honest, it's nothing more than he deserves.

Buy the t-shirt here - I'm sure it'll sell well in Portsmouth.

Classic Moment: 'It's up for grabs now!' Michael Thomas wins the league for Arsenal at Anfield in the dying seconds, 1989

The best climax to a league season ever. Amazing, shattering, dramatic - words hardly do it justice (and I'm not even a Gooner). Teams just didn't go to Anfield in the 1980s and win 2-0. Arsenal did. This result signified the end of a remarkable era for Liverpool.

Is Michael Brown the new Ben Thatcher?

I still haven't seen video footage of Michael Brown's stamp on Ryan Giggs, but Fulham fans tell me it was bad - although not as bad as Ben Thatcher's forearm smash. Fergie is certainly pissed off about it.

It's not the first time Brown has been the perpetrator of a dodgy tackle. Is he the new Ben Thatcher?

Ben Thatcher dropped by Man City & charged by FA

Ben Thatcher has been suspended by Man City and charged by the FA following his disgraceful challenge on Portsmouth's Pedro Mendes. Thatcher must answer a charge of serious foul play by 12 September. A statement on City's website said: 'Ben Thatcher has been suspended from first-team action... This is pending the results of the club's internal investigation into the incident involving Pedro Mendes during the game with Portsmouth on Wednesday.'

Greater Manchester Police have also confirmed it had received complaints which it is 'duty bound' to investigate.

Will Roy Keane make a great manager?

Seems probable that Roy Keane will be announced as Sunderland's new manager. That's a bloody big club to manage when you have no previous coaching experience.

A lot of world-class players have failed to make the grade as managers, but I think Keane has what it takes to succeed - he'd certainly command the respect of any dressing room he walked into (I can't imagine the Sunderland players would give Keane any lip or show him any disrespect).

Do you agree, or do you think Keane will fail as a manager?

Uefa Cup draw: Spurs and Hearts both face trips to Prague

The Uefa Cup - does anyone care these days? Yes, if you're team's in with a chance of winning it. So for fans of Spurs, Newcastle, Blackburn, West Ham, Hearts, Rangers and Derry, here's how the first-round draw looks (ties played on 14/28 Sept):

Levadia Tallinn (Estonia) v Newcastle Utd
Molde FK (Norway) v Rangers
Derry City v Paris St Germain (France)
Sparta Prague (Czech Rep.) v Hearts
FC Salzburg (Austria) v Blackburn Rovers
West Ham Utd v Palermo (Italy)
Slavia Prague (Czech Rep.) v Tottenham Hotspur

All the Premiership teams should make it through to the group stage (although Spurs and West Ham face decent opposition), and I'd be surprised if Rangers didn't qualify. Hearts have a tough, but eminently winnable tie against Sparta Prague, while Derry will have to play out of their skin to come through against PSG. For more news on European football, check out sister site Who Ate All the Bratwurst.

YouTube Video of Weird Goals

Here's a video of some strange goals that have been scored in football history... but I'm sure you lot can think of some better ones...

Mof Gimmers

Extraordinary Kits from the past

Over the years, there have been some mental kits. Man United's amazing invisible kit that cost them points at Southampton. Spurs new poo brown one. All these pale in comparision to what our Victorian cousins used to wear. Pictured left is the kit Chesterfield wore in 1892. Patriotic and then some! Better still is Bolton's old kit of red polka dots that resembles some dreadful jockey jersey. Salmon pink features heavily too with Everton, Pompey and Brighton all adopting the minging colour.

To check out some amazing old kits, follow this link to Historical Kits and see what your club could've had you wearing

Mof Gimmers

Anelka completes £8million switch to Bolton

The Incredible Sulk that is Nicolas Anelka has completed his move to Bolton Wanderers from Fenerbahce in a deal for £8million. Anelka, who must surely be the most expensive player in the world by now (transfers combined... I can't be bothered doing the maths), is set to join up with fellow strop, El Hadji Diouf.

Kevin Nolan, the Trotters captain can't wait to play with Anelka saying; "He will fit in well here and I am sure he will be a big hit with the fans. He has always scored goals in the Premiership and will add another threat to our attacking efforts. I'm looking forward to teaming up with [him]"

Mof Gimmers

Fantasy Friday: week 1

So, it's the end of the first week of hot Premier League action, and the Pies Fantasy League is alive with the sound of cheering (James and Jez), grumbling (Ashley) and hasty transfer-making. Click below to see how the table stands & feel free to comment/blag the hell out of fellow managers.

Fantasy Friday: week 1 continued...

So the first ever Pies league table looks like this:

1st= Onimans Legends (James Sanders) 26 points
1st= Villa Rourke Fc (Jez Rourke) 26
3rd Modbury Juniors (Ollie Irish) 25
4th= Scrumpy Rovers (Simon Fryett) 23
4th= Gimmervision (Mof Gimmers) 23
6th Houssemayne FC (Jan du Boulay) 22
7th Tanghall Tykes (Matt Douthwaite) 20
8th Where Was Dean Ashton? (Tommy W) 18
9th Felixs X1 (Felix Winstone) 17
10th= West Country All-Stars (Ben Farrell) 15
10th= Big Bunch of Lewsers (Lewis White) 15
12th Pauper For Manse (Rob Parker) 13
13th= Strictly Badmanism (Matt Maxwell) 11
13th= Dynamo George Vader (Rob Williams) 11
15th Abney Park Rangers (Ashley Norris) 4
16th Dial Square (Nicholas Sowemimo) 0

Well done to James and Jez (the Martin O'Neill factor) for topping the table; not so well done to Nicholas (nil points) and Ashley (very poor, Ash).

Just to remind you:

1) There will be prizes for the top three managers in this league after the first month of fantasy action. (Some of the prizes will be good, some will be a bit crap.)

2) You can now make up to 3 transfers in your team, until lunchtime tomorrow. I see league leader James has already ditched master Rooney, out for next two games, and brought in Saha - a wise move.

cheers
Ollie

Premier League predictions: Week 2

Saturday
Liverpool v West Ham (12.45pm) After a so-so performance at Bramall Lane, I expect Liverpool to get their campaign going with a narrow win. 2:1
Charlton v Bolton (3pm) No points yet for Charlton but I think they'll scrape a point against one of the toughest teams in the league. 1:1
Fulham v Sheffield Utd (3pm) Jimmy Bullard's late penalty mid-week against Bolton will have given Fulham much-needed confidence and I can see them picking up their first three points of the season here. 2:1
Tottenham v Everton (3pm) Spurs will have too much firepower (Berbatov, Keane, Defoe) for David Moyes' men. 2:0
Watford v Man Utd (3pm) Man Yoo are the Prem's form team so far and Watford won't stop them picking up their third win in three matches. 1:3
Wigan v Reading (3pm) No better fixture for Wigan to get their first win of the season. 3:0
Man City v Arsenal (5.15pm) Will Ben Thatcher play for City? Who cares. Have to go for Arsenal - City have looked v poor so far. 1:2
Sunday
Aston Villa v Newcastle (2pm) Classic English league fixture, so I'll predict a classic English league result, the score-draw. 1-1
Blackburn v Chelsea (4pm) The last place you want to go after a confidence-shaking defeat is Ewood Park. This will be tough for the champions, but they should get a point. 1:1
Monday
Middlesbrough v Portsmouth (8pm) Complacency and over-confidence will be Boro's biggest enemies. Pompey won't be too great away from home this season though. 2:1

Barca v Chelsea, Round Three!

Are you really surprised that Barcelona and Chelsea ended up in the same Champions League group? I'm not. Given that the other two teams in their group are Werder Bremen and Levski Sofia, I doubt Jose Mourinho or Frank Rijkaard are too concerned about having to meet each other for the third year in a row. I actually think this is a decent draw for Chelsea - at least they can't now face the Spanish champions in the knockout stages. What do you think?

Man U, Arsenal and Liverpool should all be reasonably happy with their respective groups, although Liverpool's quartet (Liverpool, Galatasaray, Bordeaux, PSV Eindhoven) looks pretty competitive.

Full details of the draw here.

Ben Thatcher's foul: what the bloggers say

'Ben Thatcher should get a 10-match ban, at least. His forearm smash on Pedro Mendes would get you arrested for GBH if you did it to someone in the street. The FA must be tough about this kind of thing.' [Blog FC]
'We talk about handballs not being given and dives being given as penalties, and we fight so much about who is cheating and who is not. How about we tell our referees, first and foremost, to cut this sort of violence out of football?' [Soccerlens]
'We’re not sure which is more criminal, the elbow thrown by Manchester City’s Ben Thatcher during yesterday’s match against Portsmouth or the fact that Thatcher was only shown a yellow card for his forearm shiver to the face of Pedro Mendes.' [The Offside]
'Special mention must be made for Ben Thatcher though. Poor positioning and distribution was augmented by an attitude that bordered on disinterested, but as I've read reports when I got back it seems his challenge on Pedro Mendes was not merely clumsy and unnecessary, as I thought at the time, but a deliberate one in which he led with his elbow.' [Bitter and Blue]
'Thatcher's body language screamed guilt - he has form for this sort of thuggery, don't forget - yet he is likely to escape any footballing sanction. That is not just wrong, it is ridiculous.' [Guardian Football Blog]

Here's what Mendes himself thought of 'that tackle', which you can watch here.

Jose Mourinho spits dummy out after defeat at Boro

"We cannot blame referees, we cannot blame the opponents, we cannot blame bad luck. We have to blame our own performance." Yep, you read it right the first time... that's Jose Mourinho slagging off his own team after Chelsea's defeat to Boro last night.

"It was not the sort of attitude that I expected from a Chelsea side that have won the Premiership in the last two seasons," spat Jose to Five Live."I've managed for six or seven years. That was not a Jose Mourinho team." Which begs the question, whose team was it then? Middlesbrough fans, enjoy this while it lasts.

Mof Gimmers

Ace Freekick Game to Skive At Work With

Now the new season has started, I thought there would be loads of new online footy games to try out... however, this isn't the case. Still, I've managed to fish out an addictive little effort which sees you as someone, who is quite obviously David Beckham, taking freekicks against various national sides. MiniClips have made 'Beat the Wall' and you can get to it by clicking here. Just do better than I did and get past Switzerland. Obviously, Who Ate All The Pies takes no responsibilty for you getting no work done, and your boss giving you ear ache.

Mof Gimmers

Should Ben Thatcher be arrested for his mindless assault on Pedro Mendes?

Ben Thatcher's disgraceful forearm smash into the jaw of Pedro Mendes, which left the Portsmouth midfielder in hospital, is without doubt one of the worst incidents of violence I've ever seen on a football pitch (watch it here, if you haven't yet seen it).

Thatcher's 'tackle' was tantamount to ABH - if he'd have done that to Mendes on the street, he'd be arrested for sure. And he only got a yellow card! Nice one, Dermot Gallagher.

If it was my decision, I'd ban this thug for the rest of the season - and it really doesn't matter how many times people say 'Oh, he's a nice boy off the pitch'. The FA has to send out a message that there's a massive difference between a competitive tackle and straight-up assault. Stuart Pearce deserves a ticking off, too, for saying that Thatcher 'mistimed his challenge'. Pathetic.

Have you ever seen a worse tackle on a football field?

Stunning goals video

Yes… yeees… yeeeeees! Shit, did you see that!

Was Ben Thatcher's 'tackle' the worst in football history?

For those of you who missed last night's games, you'll no doubt be wondering about Ben Thatcher's vicious forearm, stuck on Pedro Mendes. In all honesty, it looked like the referee, Dermot Gallagher, had a shocker. Not only did he miss one of the worst assaults I've seen on a player (it's up there with Schumacher on Battiston) but a blatant handball too.

Here are the highlights from the game: Thatcher's assault is about four minutes in (you can see slow-mo highlights of the tackle – which show it more clearly - on about 6min 38sec).

Mof Gimmers

Juventus – shut up already! Shhh, we mean it!

Fifa has said Italy may be thrown out of the qualifying campaign for Euro 2008 if Juventus continue to fight relegation to Serie B for match-fixing in the courts. Juve were relegated to Serie B and docked 17 points for trying to exert influence over referees; now they're trying to take their appeal to a civil court.

That would be against Fifa's rules and could lead to the Italian Football Federation being suspended.

I now have a mental image of Sepp Blatter, dressed as Dr Evil, telling Juve coach Didier Deschamps to 'Ssssh!'

2006 Homeless World Cup

I'm not making this up – there really is a Homeless World Cup. Maybe you knew about it already, but it's sure as hell news to me.

The 2006 Homeless World Cup will be held next month, in South Africa. Each team consists of four players, and each game lasts 14 minutes. I'm not sure how the participants arrange the air fare to South Africa – I guess the event is heavily subsidised/sponsored? Scotland's team is sponsored by the Big Issue, according to Wikipedia.

Btw, Italy are favourites to retain the title they won in Princes' Street Gardens, Edinburgh, in 2005.

The Ozzy Osbourne-powered football club

A barmy dedicated Brummie has formed a football club to promote his beloved Black Sabbath. Garry Raybould has been trying to drum up support to make sure that Ozzy & co are properly recognised in their hometown. Raybould has created 'The Ozzy Powered Football Club', a local-league team that wears shirts that read 'Free Ozzy'. I didn't know he was in jail?

[Via The Offside]

Martin O'Neill - The Saviour of Villa Park

It's clear that Martin O'Neill is the most popular man in Aston right now. He's a popular bloke who is hoping to turn around the fortunes of a sleeping football giant. So, for all you Villians out there, show Martin how much you love him with this fun T Shirt depicting the former pundit as Che Guevara.

Available from Football 365.

Mof Gimmers

Brilliant 'cause and effect' football ident

Some of our readers don't live in Lancashire. I've come to accept that. Well, providing this wasn't a generic ident, you won't have seen this cheeky little thing. If only it went on for longer!

Mof Gimmers

Liverpool induce snores with scrappy victory in Europe

I could have predicted two things before last night's Liverpool/Maccabi Haifa match. The first being the ever reliable Clive Tyldsley saying that Peter Crouch has got 'a good touch for a big man' and secondly, that the match itself would be one of the dullest in history.

Will the alleged title contenders please step forward?

Last night, I could hear the pathetic mews of "We got the result, and that's the most important thing" and "we were professional and did the job..." long before the final whistle. These two lines are relatively new in football. Once, a manager would have said "We were lucky to win", now, middle management rhetoric. You see, Rafa's Reds looked terrible last night. Fair enough, Maccabi Haifa are no mugs, and have played in these big matches before, but from a team that looked incredibly exciting on paper, to what I saw last night... well, I'm not sure if the red half of Merseyside will have much to celebrate at the end of the season.

Of course, I understand that the season is "a marathon, not a sprint", but Criag Bellamy looked lost in his pitch time last night. Crouch needed support and didn't get it. Pennant rarely threatened and spent most of his time winning freekicks. Against better opponents, Liverpool would be out of Europe. The victory was also tainted by the cries of foul play from the Israeli side.

Haifa coach Roni Levy said Uefa's decision to switch the tie to Kiev due to the Middle East conflict had not helped his side. "It was always going to be difficult for us with the way